E27: Are You Good Enough For Them, Or Are They Good Enough For You?
The mother wound is something many people carry without even realizing it. It doesn’t always show up in the same way, and it doesn’t always come from the same kind of experience. Sometimes it’s the result of a mother who was emotionally distant or critical. Other times, it’s about a mother who wasn’t there at all. For Hanifa, who lost her mom when she was just five, the pain came from a deep absence that she couldn’t begin to understand until much later in life.
In the episode of “Let’s Get Naked” with Hanifa, the conversation dives into how these wounds show up and stick with us. Whether the pain comes from a parent’s death, emotional neglect, or harsh parenting, the impact can stay with us long after childhood. It can affect how we see ourselves, how we show up in relationships, and how we learn to protect our own energy. A lot of people move through the world carrying these invisible weights without even knowing where they came from or why they feel so heavy.
What makes this kind of pain even more complicated is how it gets passed down. Most mothers don’t set out to hurt their children. They’re often carrying pain of their own that was never addressed. So the cycle continues. In Hanifa’s case, moving from Uganda to the U.S. after her mom’s death meant being raised by relatives who didn’t have the tools to support a grieving child. Emotions weren’t talked about. Grief wasn’t named. She was left to figure things out on her own, and in the process, she learned to stay quiet and keep everything inside.
Healing this kind of pain isn’t easy. It takes vulnerability, which many of us are taught to avoid. Both Hanifa and the host talked about how they used to numb their feelings with things like shopping, drinking, or endless scrolling. Anything to not feel what was underneath. But real healing starts when we stop running and start getting honest about what we’re carrying. For Hanifa, part of that meant asking hard questions and having a raw conversation with her father about why no one talked about her mom. That moment changed something in her. It opened the door to connection and understanding.
One of the most powerful shifts in healing a mother wound is learning to flip the question. Instead of always wondering if we’re good enough, we start asking if something is good enough for us. That one change can open up so much. It helps us stop looking for approval in places that will never give it and start giving ourselves the love and protection we’ve needed all along.
This kind of healing isn’t about reaching a finish line. It’s about continuing to show up, being gentle with ourselves, and sometimes getting help from people who know how to guide us through the process. It’s hard work, but it’s also freeing. We don’t have to keep living out the same patterns just because we grew up with them. We can choose something different. And while we can’t rewrite the past, we can make sure it doesn’t decide our future.
