From Foster Care to Freedom: Chris Martin's Journey to Healing

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I'd love to help you get vulnerable.

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Let's get naked.

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Hey everyone, I'm Ann.

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Welcome to the let's Get Naked podcast, where we dive deep into vulnerability.

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In this space, we'll explore what triggers us, uncover the patterns holding us back and discover how to take charge of our own growth.

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If you're ready to dig in, be vulnerable and face the tough stuff, then buckle up.

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It's time to get naked.

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Today, we're going to talk about boys who grow up with fists instead of hugs, with shouting matches instead of bedtime stories.

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We're not just talking about troubled kids.

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We're talking about kids who never got a childhood.

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Boys who were born into chaos, handed pain before they even knew what peace felt like, and instead of stepping in with real, deep support, we shuffle them through a foster system like they're paperwork instead of people.

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You've got boys who learn to flinch before they even learn to read.

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Boys who grow up thinking love hurts because that's all they've ever known from the ones who are supposed to protect them Fathers who use fear as a parenting style, Step-parents who show up angry and stay angry, and when the situation finally explodes, when the system finally intervenes, what happens?

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They get tossed into foster care like it's a solution, not just another trauma factory with a fresh coat of paint.

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They move from house to house, school to school.

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No stability, no roots, no one who chooses them, and society looks at them sideways.

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When they act out like they're the problem, no one asks what happened to you, just what's wrong with you.

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These boys, these kids aren't broken.

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They're surviving.

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They're doing the best they can with the absolute worst hand imaginable.

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And instead of real therapy, instead of trauma-informed care, instead of consistent love, they get judged, criminalized and thrown into the pipeline that leads straight to prison.

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Because once the world labels a boy troubled, it rarely looks back.

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It's infuriating because every single one of those boys could have been someone different if they were just seen early enough, if someone fought for them the way they've had to fight for themselves.

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But instead they grow up thinking they don't matter, that pain is normal, that no one stays and that right there, that's the real tragedy.

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You want to fix the system?

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Start by caring about the boys.

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It fails all of them, not just the ones who manage to hide the damage.

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Well, Today we're stripping it all off with Chris Martin.

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Chris is known as the hemp chef and Billy Zonka, among other things.

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Chris has a powerful story that we're going to talk about today and that you can watch on his documentary Haters Make Me Famous.

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Welcome to the show, Chris.

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Thanks for having me.

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Absolutely so.

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I watched Chris's documentary in preparation for the show and was blown away by your story and I could not be happier that you reached out to come and be willing to get vulnerable and share kind of the ingredients that make up the recipe of Chris Martin.

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I feel like the universe is a really cool place.

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It is yeah.

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Like energies attract and magnet to each other, and there's reasons for everything.

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Yeah, Now, every time you open your mouth, I just get more and more impressed with you, so I'm excited to hear you tell more of your story.

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So let's start by just maybe telling a little bit about your early childhood.

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You know some of the things that kind of shaped who you are and what that looks like.

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You know it was a rough start.

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I was the oldest of a few of us.

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My mom was friendly, that's the nice way to put it.

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She ran bars and we had several stepdads and I've got brothers and sisters from other people and you know normal, normal life.

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To me it really wasn't a bad thing.

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I love all my brothers and sisters dearly.

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But my mom just had a drug and drinking problem and I.

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There's some psychosis involved that comes along with that and it just.

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You know, I don't think she was ever diagnosed postpartum or anything like that.

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I don't think that was a thing back in those days.

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But there's definitely a disconnect with her and I.

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There's things that go on and went on with her and I in my childhood.

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That did not happen with the other kids, definitely not to the extent, and I can't explain that I just that's not for me to even carry anymore.

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So I've learned, you know I just that's not for me to even carry anymore.

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So I've learned.

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You know growing up was more about defense and defending yourself and your brothers and sisters than it was anything.

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As soon as you heard violence, it was finding a way to protect everyone else.

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How do I keep them safe, which is not a job for a 10-year-old, an 8-year-old.

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It's just not something we should have to worry about.

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I mean, I feel like that's why now, as an adult, I do what I do and I talk about it, because as a kid, no one had answers for you and we definitely didn't know what those were.

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Running away, those were the kinds of answers that we had.

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So, you know, that was the first thing I did as soon as the violence started happening and it was bigger than me, and I realized it wasn't normal as I ran.

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Um, you don't want to leave people behind that you love, but you can't stay when you're getting bitten in the face or you're getting stabbed and burned, and there's just things you can't be a part of.

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You've got to get away in order to help, and even as a 10 year old, I guess I figured that out.

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Um, not that the group homes and foster homes were any better, but they at least gave you an opportunity that you could make your own choice.

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You know, like, if I don't want to be here, I'm leaving, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go, and if that means I sleep at a high school or I sleep on a park bench and I hustled to make money, then that's what I'm going to do.

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At least I don't have to get hit and I don't have to live in a home where there's 30 of us and not enough food or, you know, fights and stabbings over tennis shoes.

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At least it felt like the streets were a little bit safer and I was from there, so I had had friends.

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I had people that to this day, until the documentary came out, had no idea what I dealt with and I felt like that was that defense mechanism.

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I did it on purpose.

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I wanted people to know me for me, not because I lived in a boy's home or because I got beat up or I really just wanted to be a normal kid.

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You know, know, hey, I want to go play ball, I want to spend the night with my buddy and go to our game and, you know, do what kids do.

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And I think that was the hardest part was that balance, trying to balance that.

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You know, like once a few people figured out what it was like and where you came from.

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You know, not everyone agreed with you, not everyone supported that, thought you were weird or thought you you know you were different and I definitely supported that thought you were weird or thought you, you know you're different and I definitely was.

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I I came from some different stuff, so, um, it was an honor and a blessing in one hand and then another it was, it's kind of torture yeah.

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Well, when you look back and you realize that those things, those hard things that you went through as a kid or what make you who, you are right, that are what make the mess that kind of turns into your message and what motivates you now as an adult, I think it's pretty powerful, you know.

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So you don't have to look back at it from this place of like oh my god, I'm such a victim.

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You can do the work to heal that.

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And then what are you going to do with that?

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Right.

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Because I think those of us that have the biggest scars are the coolest people.

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You know, you're my people as far as that's concerned.

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It's awesome.

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There's nothing interesting to me about a trust fund baby.

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Show me somebody that's been through some shit that's been in the trenches.

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That understands that Obviously you wouldn't wish that on anybody, but I think it really teaches you about how gritty and how deep of a person you can be by what you go through.

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Well, now I've taken it a step farther too, because I feel like it also showed me that fork in the road and where we all don't make that right call.

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You know, like I've lived with both sides and I have friends on both sides and not everyone made it, not everyone did walk this walk and not everyone did turn that negative into a positive, and that's where I try to hit that root cause.

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That's where I want to try to go back and help, is it?

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I felt like, yeah, right in the inmates now that have been caught for weed and in jail is a great message and it's a great, great work to do, but it's almost too late.

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They're already there and trying to get someone to go back and rewrite a shitty law or to get someone out is like miserable.

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It's not very easily done.

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So then what's the root cause?

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Where are we?

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How far do we go back, you know?

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And it's those kids that couldn't make those changes, those kids that are faced with that same problem every day.

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But go, you know what.

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I'd rather go rob that guy.

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I'd rather pull that gun out and go make sure I get my money Right.

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I'd rather pull that gun out and go make sure I get my money.

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And I kind of feel like that's where we lose it, where it's all about.

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Let the system deal with it, let the state handle it.

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That's why we have programs, and I want that disconnect known.

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I want people to understand what programs.

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You throw JTPA at somebody and you put a bunch of gang members in it that want to go try to get all the same job of driving a truck cross-country.

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That's not results and answers.

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I'm just gonna put it out there, you know, showing these kids that they can only qualify at this one little junior college to do anything in school.

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I'm sorry, that's.

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That's not an answer.

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That's not a fix to a huge mental health-based problem that we have, or the fact that dads just aren't in the house anymore, that white elephant that sits in the room, and usually it's a black elephant too.

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You know, we got a lot of dads that don't come home anymore and, whether it be because by choice, by drugs, or by prison or worse, we got to fix it, and that's kind of where I I feel like we we've dropped the ball the most yeah, no, I I couldn't disagree with you more.

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I look at you, you know, when you talk about being 13 or being, you know, 10 or whatever, and having to do all of these really adult things, you know, protecting your siblings or defending against grown ass men, right, when you're 10 years old and you're trying to defend against a stepfather because you're in a situation like that, it makes my heart just break for you in that situation because you're doing things that adults shouldn't have to do a little scary thing when you think of I got to protect my mom, that's your first instinct.

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And then, when you do, you know the beating, you know what's coming down, because that's a man, that's not just another kid, but you don't even think about that side of it because I didn't care about getting hurt because he's hitting me.

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Now you're not hitting her, and that's what mattered.

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Um, even to the point to where, when you got got to get violent with a weapon, you know it's me or her.

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And now I look back and I'm like what was I thinking?

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Like she didn't give two shits about that.

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So why did I?

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But at the point you know you're, I don't know.

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I guess I was just raised a little different, also Coming from the Midwest.

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You look out for your mama, sure, you look out for your mama Sure.

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You only got one.

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Yeah, you only got one.

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There's a special relationship there between.

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Even to this day, with zero conversation or relationship, she's still.

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When we go back to Kansas, what's the first thing we do?

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We drive right by my mom's house.

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Does she have a clue?

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Zero, not a chance.

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Just my way of checking in my way.

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Yep, she's still there, making sure.

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You know, that's all I got.

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I run with it.

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Uh, it doesn't mean that the relationship between her and I is ever going to be anything different than that.

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And I've, I've owned that.

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I get that.

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There's not a thing I can do with.

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It definitely doesn't make it feel any better, but it's how I deal with.

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It's how I have to have to.

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I I've gotta, I've got to be able to let go at some point, or it's going to drag me down to that hole.

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But but I also still have to have that decency, you know, because then I feel like I've changed into her.

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If I turn into that hate and that, you know, I can't stand her.

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I want her away from me.

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I did all that, I've walked all that and it didn't make me a better person.

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It didn't do shit for me.

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It made me evil, it made me want to break stuff and throw things and hurt others.

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And if I didn't let go of that, then I'm right back at the bottom with her and you know it's a.

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It's a tough battle back and forth, but I don't want to be her.

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I I've got five of my own kids that are grown up now and four grand boys, and you know that's what my life's about.

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She chose to do away with all that.

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She chose not to be a part of that and all I can say is you know, mama, I'm sorry and that sorry and that's on you, that's your bad now and I don't know.

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I just keep going forward because if she's not going to come, I can't wait.

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I have.

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It's been 50 years, you know.

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Well, and you've reconciled that so beautifully, I think because there's nothing to be angry about in that situation.

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Not at all.

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Even though, like you said, it was horrible and put you in bad situations and she didn't protect you in the ways that she should have.

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But I think when you realize that she was doing the best that she could with what she had, right she had.

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Times were different back then.

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You know Women were in situations where they didn't have a choice but to be with a man.

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That maybe was not amazing, you know, to your kids.

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But you know women were not in a position where they're like no problems, I'll just go earn enough money to take care of all of these kids.

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They didn't have choices.

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My mom was a little different.

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She was the type of person if you were a good man she wasn't staying.

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She was cheating, she was lying, she was shitting on you.

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If you hit her, she loved you until the end of time.

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If you knocked her teeth out, you couldn't get her out of the house I house.

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I can't even answer why, other than that addictive behavior, the drugs and alcohol that are involved and the mental health side of it from what came from her and her dad.

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Yeah, and you know, as I did my own digging writing my book, I caught hell from all angles of the family, because my mom was one of 15.

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Oh, my god, a very yes.

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My grandma was born in Australia.

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My grandfather and her met when they were young and brought to the States where they had this large family.

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Now, what happened after that is still up for argument, because my mom tells me one story and I get a whole nother from the other side of the family.

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So I got told there's lots of abuse, lots of violence and all this other stuff.

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Well, stuff, well, when that came out in my story I had aunts and uncles attacking me like how dare you talk bad about grandpa that you don't even know.

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And look, I'm just repeating comments that were given to me.

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Obviously I wasn't there, I don't know, but it would answer a lot of questions if this were true and you get you know.

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50, 50, yes, this happened.

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Yes, this didn't happen.

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So I take it more 85, because those who want to protect that kind of bullshit deserve to be on the other side anyway.

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And if you want to hide it and pretend like it doesn't happen, you're just as worthless as the people inflicting it.

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So again, you just cut those people out and you move on with your story.

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But I learned a lot.

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I've realized, like you know what, what?

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I don't blame her for everything.

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You know what she did is what she did and she's got to own that.

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But I can also understand that some of the challenges she had as a 19 year old mom coming from a family who ostracized her, I mean I learned things in this journey that I had no clue, even since I wrote the book and dropped the doco.

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My Uncle Gus, who was a step-uncle, my first stepdad was Max.

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We had two siblings from him.

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I thought he was my dad for the longest time.

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I had no idea, until they separated.

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Well, the story I always got told was that he and my mom hitchhiked across the country with me in a backpack and all this chivalry shit.

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And it was a lie.

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It was not true.

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My uncle Gus, which is his brother, just passed away last year and before he passed he was an attorney in St Louis that I remember very few moments of my childhood, getting to go visit and go to St Louis Cardinals baseball game and going into the arch with this guy and just really liking him.

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Well, he reached out and said Chris, you know I read your book, I watched your doc and I want to clear some things up that you might not understand.

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And of course I'm like please, anything I can do to fill gaps, let's go.

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So we drove all the way out, we met with Uncle Gus at the Capitol building Like it was this the universe making things happen, you know.

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And we sat and chatted and he said you know, I know you've always thought that your dad left you and my brother came in and saved the day and he goes.

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I want to tell you that's not what happened.

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Your dad was stationed in Fort Collins in Colorado, and so was my other brother, joe, so all three brothers came up to see Joe while he's in the military and we go to this bar and your mom just happens to be working at this bar.

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You were home as a baby, which we didn't even know.

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Nobody knew that your dad's on post.

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Well, my brother falls head over heels in love for the first time seeing your mom, and by that night he's got her convinced to pack her stuff and leave.

00:16:52.240 --> 00:17:00.160
And they've moved back to Topeka, kansas, where you thought you were from, because they had this thing that all of a sudden now they're in love.

00:17:00.160 --> 00:17:03.440
They didn't give your dad a chance and I just froze.

00:17:03.549 --> 00:17:06.038
So for 40 years I blamed my dad for all this.

00:17:06.038 --> 00:17:08.395
Just bad stuff, like you never found me.

00:17:08.395 --> 00:17:09.695
You didn't come looking for me.

00:17:09.695 --> 00:17:15.991
Well, now I just bad stuff.

00:17:15.991 --> 00:17:16.553
Like you never found me.

00:17:16.553 --> 00:17:17.236
You didn't come looking for me.

00:17:17.236 --> 00:17:17.817
Well, now I kind of get it.

00:17:17.817 --> 00:17:18.720
He was in the military, he can't leave post.

00:17:18.720 --> 00:17:19.142
What's he gonna do?

00:17:19.142 --> 00:17:20.204
Like I gotta go find my son, like he couldn't do that.

00:17:20.224 --> 00:17:52.440
So it changed a little bit of the narrative, obviously a little after the fact, because my dad's gone now and um, and I held a lot of disdain and grudge towards him and maybe why things went the way they went, and I was just thankful that this guy, who I got to call uncle for a brief time in my life, had the balls to stand up and tell me the truth, which none of my family has been able to do, and I, you know it doesn't make me not like his brother or max or any of that and doesn't make me none of that, it just it gave me another perspective to understand what was going on at that time and why.

00:17:52.440 --> 00:18:01.484
And you know anything that helps me lift the blame and the pressure of wanting to be upset about something.

00:18:01.484 --> 00:18:02.030
And now it's.

00:18:02.030 --> 00:18:08.756
You know, it just lessened that for me to where I'd be like, cool, I'm not mad at my dad as much Do I like my mom anymore.

00:18:08.756 --> 00:18:12.119
Probably not as much as I was hoping to.

00:18:12.309 --> 00:18:16.635
But the truth is all you ever want to hear, you know, and it makes sense.

00:18:16.635 --> 00:18:20.141
It makes sense with the way my mom handled stuff and the way she did thing.

00:18:20.141 --> 00:18:22.037
It's not a surprise at all.

00:18:22.037 --> 00:18:26.998
It just really made me feel like, damn dad, I didn't, I didn't give you a fair shot at all.

00:18:26.998 --> 00:18:31.990
I shot at all.

00:18:31.990 --> 00:18:34.800
I, I held your foot to the fire from the jump because that's what I was told and you know it's just.

00:18:34.800 --> 00:18:37.289
I think he gets it now and I do too, and it's nice to have the truth out.

00:18:37.289 --> 00:18:47.819
Especially my my uncle, gus, passed away like not even weeks later, so it was almost like he couldn't wait to what a gift just get it off his chest what a gift for him to give you.

00:18:47.940 --> 00:18:48.601
I mean, I, I'm.

00:18:48.601 --> 00:18:57.378
I find myself in that same fact-finding mission, because the more that I learn about the things in my childhood, the more that I'm oh my God, thank you for that, those aha moments.

00:18:57.439 --> 00:19:14.377
Absolutely right, like thank you for that extra perspective, you know, or something that I didn't understand, because you just get what your perspective was from the age that you were, and so when you have other adults that are telling you here, and so when you have other adults that are telling you here's how this actually was, or maybe you didn't see this because we were adults and you were just trying to get, through.

00:19:14.438 --> 00:19:24.326
I really trust Gus because Gus I see, I remember seeing him in our pictures of like the happy moments birthdays, where he's got the cones on his ears and he's being the comedy guy.

00:19:28.089 --> 00:19:29.492
I really remember those moments and there's not a lot to remember.

00:19:29.492 --> 00:19:37.557
But he's also the guy that when I did have this conversation with, I used to have this reoccurring dream all the time where my feet were burning as a baby, like maybe one or two.

00:19:37.557 --> 00:19:42.636
I remember being in my diaper and I remember standing in this parking lot at 17th and fairlawn.

00:19:42.636 --> 00:19:45.145
I remember the apartment, I remember the parking lot.

00:19:45.145 --> 00:19:56.404
I remember my mom laying in a lawn chair, laying out and not moving, me burning my feet and I'm just screaming like mom, hello, and I can't talk but it's burning, and I remember the diaper.

00:19:56.404 --> 00:19:58.952
It's just these little vivid moments that I remember.

00:19:59.494 --> 00:20:02.161
And gus and I just happened to get into that conversation.

00:20:02.161 --> 00:20:03.593
He's like chris, that wasn't a dream.

00:20:03.593 --> 00:20:12.353
I pulled up in my van and your mom was standing there watching your feet curl up on the parking lot and she didn't move, she didn't try to come grab you.

00:20:12.353 --> 00:20:16.511
That's when him and his wife Kathy this is what he's telling us at the time and he goes.

00:20:16.531 --> 00:20:17.976
That's when we knew there was a problem.

00:20:17.976 --> 00:20:19.540
We knew there was something wrong.

00:20:19.540 --> 00:20:20.977
We just there was nothing we could do.

00:20:20.977 --> 00:20:27.056
We would try to tell my brother like, dude, there's something wrong with that lady like she's just not taking care of her kids the way she should.

00:20:27.056 --> 00:20:36.199
But it would always turn into this war between mom and max that it would put stress on their relationship and stress on our relationship.

00:20:36.199 --> 00:20:38.353
That gus was like I had to be an outsider.

00:20:38.353 --> 00:20:52.711
You know I wanted to get involved, but there's only so much I could do and I'm thinking you're an attorney like there's probably lots of things you could do but, he was a young attorney with his own children and his own wedding and wife and marriage and life, and you know it.

00:20:53.153 --> 00:20:55.238
Who's going to come on and take on all these kids?

00:20:55.238 --> 00:20:55.759
I get it.

00:20:55.759 --> 00:20:57.563
I totally understand.

00:20:57.563 --> 00:21:00.857
It's just nice to have some answers now yeah, that's the truth.

00:21:00.938 --> 00:21:09.675
It reconciles things for you in a way that it's like you don't have to be so resentful and carry all that anger around towards your dad, and then you can set that down I let it free.

00:21:09.715 --> 00:21:18.297
We drove home that trip and it's about 15 hours and it felt like three days because it was just, whew, I could breathe again.

00:21:18.297 --> 00:21:19.695
I didn't carry it.

00:21:19.695 --> 00:21:26.218
I never wanted to, I never thought I really did, until I let it go and then I realized how heavy it really was.

00:21:26.218 --> 00:21:32.319
Like man, I thought that dude hated me from the jump, like why else would you not go see your kid?

00:21:32.319 --> 00:21:39.696
I'm a dad, you know, and I have challenges with my kids, but I fight every day to see them or to be in their life.

00:21:39.696 --> 00:21:42.390
Or even when they don't answer my text, hey you better boy, like answer my calls.

00:21:42.390 --> 00:21:45.578
I just couldn't understand why that wasn't there.

00:21:45.578 --> 00:21:46.875
I couldn't get it, and now I do.

00:21:51.369 --> 00:21:52.472
You know, and there was a different time.

00:21:52.492 --> 00:22:01.199
It's not like he could text us, it's you know, there were no phones yeah, just another, another time frame which, now that I'm mature enough to take all that into account, you know it's.

00:22:01.199 --> 00:22:05.335
I'm not the victim, I'm not the one taking the blame and putting it somewhere.

00:22:05.394 --> 00:22:09.751
It was just something that happened yeah, I'm, I'm so impressed with you.

00:22:09.751 --> 00:22:16.829
I'm, I'm, literally I'm so impressed with you and I'm I'm assuming that this love muffin sitting over my shoulder has about 90 credit for that.

00:22:16.930 --> 00:22:34.417
Because you know she wants, she wants you to see, to see you win right and and carrying all that shit around, like I've been telling different men in my life too, like I don't think you even realize you're carrying it, what you just said about being able to set it down and how good that feels, and when you didn't even realize it was there to set down.

00:22:34.598 --> 00:22:35.000
Didn't know.

00:22:35.099 --> 00:22:37.398
Right, didn't have any idea, but when you're able to do that.

00:22:37.419 --> 00:22:41.075
You don't know you're carrying it until you let it go and you're like whoa, Whoa yeah Like look how much lighter.

00:22:41.134 --> 00:22:45.992
I feel I don't have to carry all this around.

00:22:45.992 --> 00:22:52.076
Grew up in a lot different household and I'm not saying I would have beat women or done anything that I saw.

00:22:52.076 --> 00:22:54.758
I definitely know right from wrong and have a conscience.

00:22:54.758 --> 00:22:57.720
But who knows, maybe I would end up on drugs and alcohol.

00:22:57.720 --> 00:22:59.602
That causes some other bad decisions.

00:22:59.602 --> 00:23:01.823
You know, I really don't know.

00:23:01.823 --> 00:23:09.188
I do know that because of who I met and chose to spend my life with, I don't even have to worry about that environment.

00:23:09.188 --> 00:23:13.029
You know she was.

00:23:13.029 --> 00:23:13.891
Her parents were married 46 years.

00:23:13.891 --> 00:23:15.612
Just a whole, nother family life.

00:23:15.612 --> 00:23:22.756
Like if the phone's ringing it's either my kids or it's her siblings, like there's no one else that calls those phones.

00:23:22.756 --> 00:23:23.616
It's kind of.

00:23:23.616 --> 00:23:29.259
The joke before her mom passed was like did you tell your mom If something happened?

00:23:29.259 --> 00:23:30.520
Have you told your mom yet?

00:23:30.520 --> 00:23:33.241
Because mom knew everything.

00:23:33.241 --> 00:23:36.644
Like mom knew that Andy was upset with me before I knew.

00:23:36.743 --> 00:23:38.105
Andy was upset with me.

00:23:38.105 --> 00:23:41.307
I'd have Andy's mom calling me like fix this now.

00:23:41.307 --> 00:23:43.028
You know, like what did I do?

00:23:43.028 --> 00:23:46.413
But that was the standard.

00:23:46.413 --> 00:24:04.647
And you know, when I saw, when mom passed and I saw her dad just aimlessly wander through the rest of his being and not even know how to grocery shop without her or not understand how to cook a meal without her, running the kitchen, like I knew I wanted that.

00:24:04.647 --> 00:24:09.615
I knew at that moment, right then, like that's it, that's what I'm trying.

00:24:09.615 --> 00:24:10.377
I know I love her.

00:24:10.377 --> 00:24:11.923
I know I love her and I don her.

00:24:11.923 --> 00:24:14.295
I know I love her and I don't know how to tell her and I don't know how to show her.

00:24:14.295 --> 00:24:26.434
But I know that's what it looks like with no, no man showing you that like there's a lot of things you pick up on that you could do wrong between those ages and I.

00:24:26.715 --> 00:24:48.260
I saw that and if it wasn't't for Andy and her dad and her mom grabbing me, even at a young age, even when we weren't as a couple, just guiding me as a man, when I first got with Andy, after there had been talk and we'd been friends and we have separate kids from separate marriages, it was like a momentous experience when her dad looked at me and said they're yours now.

00:24:48.260 --> 00:24:51.017
There's no other to to me.

00:24:51.017 --> 00:24:58.733
That was the I made it moment not now that I'm a grandpa and I've got a retirement and I've got all this stuff going for me and my kids are grown.

00:24:58.733 --> 00:24:59.355
It was then.

00:24:59.355 --> 00:25:09.182
It was like because he believed he, he, he saw something there, whether I was even there yet or not, that he knew that he could trust me.

00:25:09.182 --> 00:25:12.752
He knew that they were in good hands, even through all the bullshit.

00:25:12.752 --> 00:25:15.440
And I think that's only because I was honest with them.

00:25:15.440 --> 00:25:17.092
I I told him where I came from.

00:25:17.092 --> 00:25:18.698
I didn't try to hide it.

00:25:18.698 --> 00:25:21.710
I I knew it wasn't the best case scenario for your daughter.

00:25:21.849 --> 00:25:27.863
You probably want some guy who's got a huge money backing or great parents or, and I got none of that.

00:25:27.863 --> 00:25:28.330
I I got.

00:25:28.330 --> 00:25:29.513
I know what not to do.

00:25:29.513 --> 00:25:32.921
I I learned what not to do and I can apply that.

00:25:32.921 --> 00:25:33.603
That's all I can do.

00:25:33.603 --> 00:25:39.442
He also got to see the experience I had with his grandkids.

00:25:39.442 --> 00:25:51.019
You know who were my littles at the time and they're all grown up and call me dad and their kids call me papa, and I think he saw that then and I just knew that's what I wanted to be like.

00:25:51.019 --> 00:25:54.017
Now, am I saying I'm anything like her father?

00:25:54.017 --> 00:25:55.240
Absolutely not.

00:25:55.240 --> 00:25:55.621
I couldn't.

00:25:55.621 --> 00:25:59.494
There's not a comparison level possible to be that.

00:25:59.494 --> 00:26:05.125
But that trying that, striving to be that is the goal.

00:26:05.125 --> 00:26:06.434
So that's where I'm at now.

00:26:06.772 --> 00:26:08.549
It's the effort that you put in with all of that.

00:26:08.730 --> 00:26:12.413
Oh, they were just great people that didn't judge me, they didn't.

00:26:12.413 --> 00:26:21.859
And I put them through some shit, like I mean I was growing weed in my garage like I knew I had crones but I couldn't afford it and I needed the medicine.

00:26:21.859 --> 00:26:24.454
And her mom walked in and was like get that out of my house now.

00:26:24.454 --> 00:26:26.239
And she passed away.

00:26:26.239 --> 00:26:34.257
And then I get raided like the universe is awesome, because if you would have done that while she was here, we probably wouldn't have stayed together.

00:26:34.257 --> 00:26:40.178
She was a very powerful woman in their family, you know, and not that Andy's not, but boy.

00:26:40.178 --> 00:26:42.457
Her mom says leave this guy.

00:26:42.670 --> 00:26:46.220
There's some decisions to be made, you know, and I knew that.

00:26:46.319 --> 00:26:46.800
I knew that.

00:26:46.800 --> 00:26:53.461
But I also wanted them to understand that the decisions were never made with malice or intent.

00:26:53.461 --> 00:26:55.017
It was always to try to be better.

00:26:55.017 --> 00:26:57.076
I didn't grow weed.

00:26:57.076 --> 00:27:01.458
I had two plants when they busted me, I wasn't trying to be a kingpin drug dealer.

00:27:01.458 --> 00:27:09.480
I was trying to grow medicine that I knew I couldn't afford to buy as a young dad, which you know she was a Catholic grandma.

00:27:09.480 --> 00:27:12.219
She's not trying to hear any of that shit, right she doesn't care.

00:27:12.289 --> 00:27:13.794
That begins with the letters pot.

00:27:13.794 --> 00:27:19.799
You know and I got that there are jokes now that we say that you know, we've gotten where we've gotten.

00:27:19.799 --> 00:27:21.896
And there are times where I'm like, see, I told you.

00:27:22.259 --> 00:27:25.555
Right and it's jokes between her and I that I know we'll deal with when I get there.

00:27:25.555 --> 00:27:33.917
But it's just funny for us in the family to say we wondered would she be proud now, because we know how against it she was then.

00:27:33.917 --> 00:27:41.257
But we've really made a statement, we've really put it out there and let people understand that this is a medicine, this is something that needs to be here.

00:27:41.257 --> 00:27:44.656
So I don't know, it's kind of an inside joke for our family now.

00:27:45.352 --> 00:27:58.039
I absolutely love that and I think obviously there's no in in you guys getting paired up together and her family being so strong where they could really take you in and make you feel like you belonged, no matter how hard it was, no matter what you put them through.

00:27:58.039 --> 00:28:02.292
Um, you know her dad saying they're yours now, kind of thing.

00:28:02.292 --> 00:28:05.701
I mean, that's the kind of stuff where that's powerful shit heavy.

00:28:05.721 --> 00:28:13.604
Yeah, her dad passed from brain cancer and they were pretty adamant that cannabis wasn't going to be an alternative.

00:28:13.604 --> 00:28:17.220
And her uncle was a sheriff for 30 years.

00:28:17.220 --> 00:28:21.020
So when dad got sick, mom was already gone.

00:28:21.020 --> 00:28:28.777
Dad moved in with uncle and uncle which I didn't know at the time was a cannabis supporter.

00:28:28.777 --> 00:28:32.178
But I'm facing over a hundred years in prison.

00:28:32.679 --> 00:28:55.435
So trying to go to the family and say, hey, look, I've got an answer and I can put it in dad's drink and he won't even know it and we'll just medicate him, that's just not a conversation that I felt comfortable having on a million dollar bond, looking at over a hundred years in prison and trying to convince an uncle who's been in the forest for that long.

00:28:55.435 --> 00:28:57.239
So I told her.

00:28:57.239 --> 00:29:01.034
I said, look, I'm still gonna do it, I'm gonna put it in your dad's drink.

00:29:01.034 --> 00:29:02.460
But no one can say anything.

00:29:02.460 --> 00:29:04.346
I'm already looking at life.

00:29:04.346 --> 00:29:09.541
This will put the nail in my coffin like, but I can't watch your dad die of brain cancer.

00:29:09.541 --> 00:29:15.636
So I'm torn, like do I just run away from this whole situation and leave my love of my life?

00:29:16.117 --> 00:29:17.220
no I gotta help her dad.

00:29:17.220 --> 00:29:30.643
So I'm putting rso in her dad's aloe drinks and he's slowly responding from the tumors in his brain where there were times he couldn't even answer you or count on his fingers or change the channel.

00:29:30.643 --> 00:29:42.883
And now that we've been administering rso it's all coming back and like she'd come in as his caregiver and he would answer her as she would call his name, so like it was too late in his life to save him.

00:29:42.883 --> 00:29:44.311
But he was getting quality.

00:29:44.311 --> 00:29:50.862
Yeah, he was being able to enjoy his daughter and his family and recognize them and not have the tumors kill him.

00:29:51.285 --> 00:29:54.234
Well, her uncle comes in and is like Chris, we need to have a talk.

00:29:54.234 --> 00:29:57.041
And I'm panicked, like I told Andy.

00:29:57.041 --> 00:30:06.957
I said oh, your uncle George wants to sit down and I think it's because he caught me putting RSO in his drink and I'm already looking at life like your uncle's 70.

00:30:06.957 --> 00:30:13.390
Can I just run like he won't catch me, like I am physically a little bit quicker at this point.

00:30:13.390 --> 00:30:15.777
Can I just jam out like he?

00:30:15.777 --> 00:30:17.221
You know, we'll call it even.

00:30:17.221 --> 00:30:21.954
And she's like no, you can't, this is my family, you've got to, you've got to talk to him.

00:30:21.954 --> 00:30:24.200
So I walk into the room shaking.

00:30:24.200 --> 00:30:35.344
I'm literally like I know he's gonna call my, my, my parole officer and I'm just it's over, like yeah, I'm gonna be on the front page of the paper again and he said you know that stuff you're putting in uncle dan's drink.

00:30:35.403 --> 00:30:36.530
And I go yeah, yeah, I do.

00:30:36.530 --> 00:30:39.036
He goes what's helping him, don't you stop?

00:30:39.036 --> 00:30:43.593
And I just froze, like oh, and he hugs me and he's like what is it?

00:30:43.593 --> 00:30:54.093
Show me how well, two years later, I built the grow on uncle george's property and he makes our so for his whole family now, which is something.

00:30:54.153 --> 00:30:58.784
If you asked me 20 years ago, would that ever even been a topic?

00:30:58.784 --> 00:31:01.159
No way, no way, no way.

00:31:01.159 --> 00:31:12.424
And I almost still feel guilty even talking about it, like I'm going to get told on or go to jail for it, only because it has been such taboo, especially on that side.

00:31:12.424 --> 00:31:24.410
But they're so thankful now because they can make butter and lotion and all the stuff that just I hate to say that, but all the stuff that they used to get so mad at me for, like now it's helping their family.

00:31:24.410 --> 00:31:26.134
That's why I know deb is totally cool with it now.

00:31:26.134 --> 00:31:26.978
You know, like I know she's okay.

00:31:26.998 --> 00:31:27.659
Um, it just it was heavy.

00:31:27.659 --> 00:31:29.002
It was one of those things where I, you know, you're right.

00:31:29.002 --> 00:31:30.086
You know, like I know she's okay.

00:31:30.086 --> 00:31:30.769
It just it was heavy.

00:31:30.769 --> 00:31:40.559
It was one of those things where I, you know you're right, you know what you're doing is right, but the laws are just telling you you're a piece of shit and everyone else has taken that advice.

00:31:40.559 --> 00:31:48.140
So I'm just glad now I can openly talk about it and you know it did help them and it's helping the family still.

00:31:48.140 --> 00:31:51.044
So you know I know mom's not mad.

00:31:55.470 --> 00:32:00.497
It's powerful that you were able to really stand behind what you believe and do the hard things, even if that wasn't the popular things or even if that was illegal.

00:32:00.497 --> 00:32:07.135
At that point I mean, thank God there's people like you that are able to really put your neck on the line for stuff that you really believe in.

00:32:07.250 --> 00:32:19.843
You know, when I walk this out, this is where, like religion and spiritualism and life all kind of did a train wreck in the middle of my life.

00:32:19.843 --> 00:32:42.673
I was not a religious person growing up, especially as a kid in the places I grew up god doesn't let things happen like that to children and that's just where I could not swallow it like, yeah, granted, we're all going to grow up and have great lives and walk this stuff, but what about the ones down here getting raped and yeah, and and molested and and abused and and left on the street like where's God?

00:32:42.673 --> 00:32:52.952
And I, I'm telling you like my, my motto was God hates me, like he's walking behind me, flicking me in the head because if he didn't, why was I allowed to see and endure a lot of these things?

00:32:52.952 --> 00:32:54.336
And I just didn't get it.

00:32:54.336 --> 00:32:55.959
I didn't understand.

00:32:55.959 --> 00:33:02.742
So flash forward to I get raided, I'm in trouble for this edible company and I'm in jail.

00:33:02.742 --> 00:33:13.444
Well, because of my childhood, unfortunately, I understand jail and I get it, and being a 6, 6'1", 250-pound, slung-down ball-headed guy makes it pretty easy.

00:33:13.444 --> 00:33:18.803
I flip that switch and make people not like me real fast and I'm running shit overnight.

00:33:18.803 --> 00:33:22.961
It's not something I'm ever proud of, but it's definitely how I've survived.

00:33:23.589 --> 00:33:27.101
So in walks a guy named Jim from the documentary.

00:33:27.101 --> 00:33:30.589
He is an ex-Hells Angel, ex-club member.

00:33:30.589 --> 00:33:39.895
He's very into the church and he's convincing me about church and God and praying over me and all these things that start to happen that start to convince you that he's right.

00:33:39.895 --> 00:33:42.563
I even poured my family into the church.

00:33:42.563 --> 00:33:50.054
We got out of jail, we both worked for the church, my kids ran youth group and I thought this is exactly what I'm supposed to do.

00:33:50.054 --> 00:33:53.122
And then I start realizing the church is like using us.

00:33:53.122 --> 00:33:56.616
They're like oh, look at these guys, we can fix you just like we fixed them.

00:33:56.616 --> 00:33:59.779
And I'm over there going wait a minute, you didn't fix shit, we did all the work.

00:33:59.779 --> 00:34:01.636
Like, what are you talking about?

00:34:01.636 --> 00:34:13.744
Well, then one of the elders approaches me and says hey, aren't you that family that's fighting the case that time?

00:34:13.744 --> 00:34:13.811
Well, yes, I am.

00:34:13.811 --> 00:34:14.681
Well, are you still using marijuana?

00:34:14.681 --> 00:34:15.282
Well, yeah, I use cannabis as medicine.

00:34:15.282 --> 00:34:15.539
Absolutely I do.

00:34:15.539 --> 00:34:15.793
I have crohn's.

00:34:15.793 --> 00:34:16.878
I'm gonna die like I bleed every day if I don't use this medicine.

00:34:16.878 --> 00:34:18.945
Well, you don't belong here if you still use the medicine.

00:34:18.945 --> 00:34:29.938
I'm like oh, as you drink your alcohol at night and pop your pills, right, you're telling me, even though genesis 129 and revelations 22, to talk about seed bearing plants and giving them to nations to heal.

00:34:29.938 --> 00:34:32.023
Like, what are you talking about, old man?

00:34:32.023 --> 00:34:35.199
Like, close your eyes and open your ears.

00:34:35.199 --> 00:34:39.137
You're totally contradicting and pissing on everything that this is supposed to stand for.

00:34:39.731 --> 00:34:42.478
So at that moment I was forced with this huge challenge.

00:34:42.478 --> 00:34:43.440
I'm looking at life.

00:34:43.440 --> 00:34:45.577
I have no safe space anymore.

00:34:45.577 --> 00:34:47.476
I can't even take my kids to church.

00:34:47.476 --> 00:34:53.599
I have no job because of all these felonies piled up on me and I'm a piece of shit in the eyes of every employer.

00:34:53.599 --> 00:34:57.478
I have no insurance that's going to take care of my kids.

00:34:57.478 --> 00:35:00.896
If I go to jail for life, like, what am I to do?

00:35:01.130 --> 00:35:03.498
I literally I remember sitting in front of my laptop.

00:35:03.498 --> 00:35:07.940
My wife had gone back to work and I was having thoughts that I'm not supposed to have.

00:35:07.940 --> 00:35:17.436
Like I'll just leave the truck running and fall asleep in the garage and, oops, it's an accident.

00:35:17.436 --> 00:35:18.340
Maybe then they'll take care of my family.

00:35:18.340 --> 00:35:20.186
And even then I felt mad and angry and guilty and all the like I'm not that guy.

00:35:20.186 --> 00:35:23.432
And I remember slamming my hand down on my laptop, cussing God out, going.

00:35:23.472 --> 00:35:25.195
What did I do wrong?

00:35:25.195 --> 00:35:26.858
I did everything you asked.

00:35:26.858 --> 00:35:30.302
I jumped through every hoop I laid down, I gave it up.

00:35:30.302 --> 00:35:32.489
It was too heavy, too light, too all.

00:35:32.489 --> 00:35:36.400
I've done it like you know I'm a warrior, you know I'm the guy you want on your side.

00:35:36.400 --> 00:35:39.596
Why am I not getting the answers I'm asking?

00:35:39.596 --> 00:35:41.840
And all of a sudden my computer goes ting.

00:35:41.840 --> 00:35:43.403
I open it up.

00:35:43.403 --> 00:35:48.197
It's got this little advertisement from cavalry church and I'm like yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:35:48.197 --> 00:35:50.742
And it says revelations 22 too.

00:35:50.742 --> 00:35:56.418
And I went like, okay, okay, I get it.

00:35:56.418 --> 00:35:58.623
Like I know the ending, I know the beginning.

00:35:58.623 --> 00:36:05.572
I don't have a lot of shit in between, but I'll figure this out and as soon as I read it, I give to you all seed-bearing plants to hill nations.

00:36:05.572 --> 00:36:11.927
And okay, I'm doing your work, I'm doing your work and no matter what I do, I'm doing your work, I'm doing your work and no matter what I do, I'm going to be doing your work.

00:36:12.391 --> 00:36:23.000
I called Andy at that very moment and, as I'm trying to FaceTime her and take a picture of the screenshot, that's 2.22 on the clock I dropped, my phone broke, my computer broke my phone.

00:36:23.000 --> 00:36:27.373
We're both laughing with snot bubbles coming out of my nose, and I'm like, look, we're going to be okay, okay.

00:36:27.373 --> 00:36:29.277
And she's like what the fuck are you talking about?

00:36:29.277 --> 00:36:30.960
I said we're gonna be okay.

00:36:30.960 --> 00:36:33.664
I know I'm looking at life but I'm not gonna get it.

00:36:33.664 --> 00:36:40.842
I might have to go to jail, but even you know, people on that side of religion got in trouble too.

00:36:40.842 --> 00:36:44.416
And I'm not comparing anything, I'm not that at all.

00:36:45.250 --> 00:36:52.735
But if you make a choice and you believe in it and you stand by it, it's not always going to be gravy, it's not always going to be okay.

00:36:52.735 --> 00:36:57.097
Sometimes you're going to have to walk the tough shit out, and that's what it told me.

00:36:57.097 --> 00:36:58.155
That's what he told me.

00:36:58.155 --> 00:37:00.717
Now, did I run back to church?

00:37:00.717 --> 00:37:01.773
Absolutely not, told me.

00:37:01.773 --> 00:37:02.030
That's what he told me.

00:37:02.030 --> 00:37:02.802
Now, did I run back to church?

00:37:02.802 --> 00:37:03.057
Absolutely not.

00:37:03.057 --> 00:37:04.405
It showed me that this is a spiritual experience.

00:37:04.405 --> 00:37:13.213
This has nothing to do with sitting in a room full of a bunch of silver-headed people who are just going to judge the shit out of me because I don't look like them and that's not where I want to be.

00:37:13.213 --> 00:37:15.199
That's not where I want my kids to grow up.

00:37:15.882 --> 00:37:16.885
Do I believe in the bible?

00:37:16.885 --> 00:37:18.231
I don't know.

00:37:18.231 --> 00:37:19.914
I believe in a lot of it.

00:37:19.914 --> 00:37:20.916
I believe in of it.

00:37:20.916 --> 00:37:25.146
I believe in there's something bigger than me that caused all of this to happen.

00:37:25.146 --> 00:37:26.487
But do I believe?

00:37:26.487 --> 00:37:28.353
Was that every word verbatim?

00:37:28.353 --> 00:37:30.657
I don't know, I just don't know.

00:37:30.657 --> 00:37:39.411
And I believe my God gives me that ability to not know and to make those decisions now, and that's all I teach my kids and that's all I teach my family.

00:37:39.411 --> 00:37:41.518
Does God empower you to do something?

00:37:41.518 --> 00:37:49.596
I feel like that energy, that that, that spirituality is what drove me to do the book and the doco I do.

00:37:49.615 --> 00:37:50.918
I wrote the book as a memoir to my kids.

00:37:50.918 --> 00:37:51.340
That's it.

00:37:51.340 --> 00:37:53.130
It was a story telling my kids.

00:37:53.130 --> 00:37:54.632
Look, I'm not a piece of shit.

00:37:54.632 --> 00:37:58.840
I'm not what the news is going to tell you, this big tattooed ex biker guy that sold drugs.

00:37:58.840 --> 00:38:02.190
All that's true, but it doesn't make me a piece of shit.

00:38:02.190 --> 00:38:04.378
I want you to understand my side of it.

00:38:05.061 --> 00:38:12.367
It only got turned into a movie because I actually took a job with a crooked piece of shit business and I didn't want their money.

00:38:12.367 --> 00:38:14.353
I didn't want anything to do with the money.

00:38:14.353 --> 00:38:28.072
I wanted the opportunity and I took all that money and I turned it into the book and the doco because now I'm not holding that shitty money, I'm not a part of that shitty company, but I got value out of it and that's all I cared about.

00:38:28.072 --> 00:38:42.603
And I don't mean monetary value, I mean the fact that now when I went back home and I released the book and the doco, I had 300 friends and family member that didn't even know, didn't know I got punched, didn't know I got bit.

00:38:42.603 --> 00:38:47.717
And it's not that I even wanted them to know, I just wanted them to know that we made it.

00:38:47.717 --> 00:38:49.543
I wanted them to know that.

00:38:50.349 --> 00:38:55.751
Look, there's a lot of tough shit that we all walk and we all go through and we all deal with it differently.

00:38:55.751 --> 00:39:04.614
Like my best friend killed himself over throwing a party and ruining his yard, killed himself over throwing a party and ruining his yard.

00:39:04.614 --> 00:39:06.438
I mean there's no rhyme or reason of why we end the game the way we end the game.

00:39:06.438 --> 00:39:09.447
I just want others to know there's other ways out.

00:39:09.447 --> 00:39:10.771
You don't?

00:39:10.771 --> 00:39:24.476
This knee-jerk end result doesn't have to be the permanent way, you know, and I I felt like there's so many times I hit that wall and it was like gosh, I don't want to be here because I'm not that guy and I've never wanted to think that way.

00:39:24.989 --> 00:39:31.782
But I think with especially men's mental health nowadays, there's not enough talk about it being okay to have that conversation.

00:39:31.782 --> 00:39:35.418
You know, we have to have this bravado and always be the tough guy.

00:39:35.418 --> 00:39:36.641
I was taught that.

00:39:36.641 --> 00:39:38.978
I was taught that that's how you defend yourself.

00:39:38.978 --> 00:39:43.994
There's nothing better.

00:39:43.994 --> 00:39:48.630
Now, when I'm in a confrontation and I can walk away shaking that guy's hand and I didn't know that before oh, it's powerful shit.

00:39:48.630 --> 00:39:51.559
I didn't even feel like that was a good feeling before.

00:39:51.559 --> 00:39:59.518
I felt like that was the pussy way out and I feel so guilty For the people I hurt, for the people I affected.

00:39:59.579 --> 00:40:03.478
For myself I thought that was about being a man.

00:40:03.478 --> 00:40:04.996
I didn't know any better.

00:40:04.996 --> 00:40:17.282
And now I have little men, little men who are professional fighters that know how to walk away and why, that prefer to walk away and teach a lesson versus teach a lesson.

00:40:17.282 --> 00:40:22.400
And I couldn't be prouder because I never got showed any of that.00:40:22.400 --> 00:40:24.411


I thought the man thing was you know what?00:40:24.411 --> 00:40:26.896


No, you shut your mouth, I take your teeth.00:40:26.896 --> 00:40:29.242


That that's, and it's sad.00:40:29.242 --> 00:40:32.356


It's really sad because I was proud of that.00:40:32.356 --> 00:40:33.237


Yeah, I was I.00:40:33.237 --> 00:40:35.690


It was something I could wear around because I was.00:40:35.690 --> 00:40:39.637


I was taught that when you release that energy and you let it go, it's a good thing.00:40:39.637 --> 00:40:43.510


Holy moly, yeah were you wrong, holy moly.00:40:43.530 --> 00:40:54.472


Yeah, and felonies suck and they're expensive and you're always that guy at the party that nobody wants to ever talk to, unless they need someone beat up like, no, that's not fun, that's, it's just it's.00:40:54.893 --> 00:41:02.911


It's nice to be able to admit that now, right when you didn't before well, the way that we were raised is the vulnerability is a weakness for sure, right.00:41:02.911 --> 00:41:10.155


And boys were not encouraged to show their emotions, and so anytime emotions came up for men, we taught them to turn it into anger and rage.00:41:10.155 --> 00:41:15.139


And when you look at that, it's like no wonder all of the violence, no wonder, right.00:41:15.139 --> 00:41:17.246


That's how you were culture it is.00:41:17.347 --> 00:41:22.882


It is a dangerous culture because some of us took that stuff real serious, especially as kids who fight for your life.00:41:22.882 --> 00:41:32.398


When you live in a group home and you sleep on top of your tennis shoes because they will come stab you with number two pencils to take them, you take that tough guy role very, very serious.00:41:32.398 --> 00:41:53.414


So when I would walk into a group home, even as the smallest, youngest guy, my first response would be to run across the room, jump off the coffee table and kick the biggest guy in the face, not because he did anything, not because I wasn't scared out of my mind, because I wanted to set that tone that I'm the psychopath, I am the lunatic, I'm the crazy one and I'm not the one to mess with.00:41:53.414 --> 00:41:55.039


Uh, it's, it's.00:41:55.039 --> 00:42:13.980


When you look back at it now and you see how many more people and more boys not because there's women too, girls too, but guys in that situation now than there were in my time, that just scares me, because those are the guys that are going to be roaming the streets at some point with zero understanding of how this goes and how it works.00:42:13.980 --> 00:42:21.018


That's why I feel like it's my duty not just my honor, but it's my duty to go back and speak.00:42:21.451 --> 00:42:28.019


Go back and talk to CASA and the people who support CASA and the kids involved with it, because no one ever did that.00:42:28.019 --> 00:42:35.681


If it wasn't for Dave and the gentleman who worked for CASA, I don't think that we'd be having this conversation.00:42:35.681 --> 00:42:39.157


I'd probably be getting interviewed in a prison cell.00:42:39.157 --> 00:42:43.489


You know, for other reasons and I mean that with all due respect.00:42:43.489 --> 00:42:51.110


Just because it's hard to be a young guy in the state custody, you don't have those people walking around.00:42:51.110 --> 00:42:52.396


Oh, you should talk about your feelings.00:42:52.396 --> 00:42:56.965


You should sit down and just let that out, and if they are, they're probably trying to touch you weird.00:42:57.126 --> 00:42:59.237


Sure, exactly, at least back then, absolutely.00:42:59.469 --> 00:43:01.297


We had that happen in foster homes too.00:43:08.769 --> 00:43:09.934


It's a ton of that right more than is ever known.00:43:09.934 --> 00:43:17.362


The more that we have this, the more that we record these podcasts, the more that you find and and I've had these conversations with my husband because he doesn't realize, uh, how big of a deal that is.00:43:17.362 --> 00:43:32.461


And I've told him specifically to women, because I don't generally get opportunities to speak with men about this, but I know two women, of all of the women that I know, that have not been either raped, molested, you know, sexually assaulted in some way, and it's like how, how?00:43:33.202 --> 00:43:34.211


why is this normal?00:43:34.391 --> 00:43:36.742


absolutely like we have to have these conversations.00:43:36.742 --> 00:43:37.847


To me it's the.00:43:37.847 --> 00:43:42.000


You were talking earlier about your family not wanting to talk about certain things, and it wasn't like that.00:43:42.000 --> 00:43:42.601


And it wasn't like that.00:43:42.601 --> 00:43:45.324


It's like okay, I realized that that's how it was before.00:43:45.324 --> 00:43:47.393


Is that we're going to be tucking stuff under the rug?00:43:47.393 --> 00:43:48.657


And it's shame, and it's whatever.00:43:48.657 --> 00:43:49.974


That time is over.00:43:50.389 --> 00:43:58.219


I'm speaking at fucking full volume and I and I commend you for coming here and speaking at full volume about this stuff, because that's how we make a difference with our young kiddos.00:43:58.278 --> 00:44:15.099


It's not about me anymore, it's not you know what I mean and I feel like, if I keep all of it inside, that's just mental health growing, yeah, and the wrong directions anyway, and and there's so many other people that are just waiting to hear the right sentence the right comment and I remember the days when I had dave.00:44:15.722 --> 00:44:18.112


You know, like dave's still alive, we go visit him.00:44:18.112 --> 00:44:19.193


We're getting ready to go see him again.00:44:19.193 --> 00:44:20.195


I love him with all my heart.00:44:20.195 --> 00:44:21.297


But it was the.00:44:21.297 --> 00:44:26.565


I think back to all the dumb, goofy letters he used to send me and the jokes and the.00:44:26.565 --> 00:44:32.170


You know, just the goofy stuff that I thought was so menial and just almost annoying as a teenager.00:44:32.170 --> 00:44:38.463


I am so thankful for today because those were those little five second blips and moments of.00:44:38.463 --> 00:44:39.793


This is normalcy.00:44:39.793 --> 00:44:45.043


This is what a real, honest, supportive relationship looks like.00:44:45.043 --> 00:44:48.780


This is what a man being in your life is supposed to look like.00:44:49.030 --> 00:44:55.456


He would come to my football games Now I'm out in the middle of nowhere, kansas, throwing multiple touchdowns, doing very well.00:44:55.456 --> 00:44:59.940


No one knew about it, and Dave would show up and video these games and send them to colleges.00:44:59.940 --> 00:45:03.420


He's why I came to Arizona to play college at Yavapai.00:45:03.420 --> 00:45:07.481


I had no clue what a Yavapai even was, never heard of it.00:45:07.481 --> 00:45:14.780


Couldn't tell you where Prescott was, and this guy gets a hold of the coach and says I got a kid, you should have walk on and just let him throw the ball.00:45:14.780 --> 00:45:16.175


Just see what he can do.00:45:16.175 --> 00:45:22.682


It's men like that that need to be celebrated, that need to be put out there and not hidden.00:45:23.411 --> 00:45:26.000


Dave was so selfless.00:45:26.000 --> 00:45:29.219


It was never about anything to do with him.00:45:29.219 --> 00:45:34.641


He would give up his time to drive three hours to pick me up at the boys' home to go drive.00:45:34.641 --> 00:45:38.960


I'll never forget the one time that him and I ever had a disagreement.00:45:38.960 --> 00:45:46.217


It was because I was having those negative thoughts of like I'm not going to get out of this hole, I'm always going to be a boy's home kid, I'm never going to be anything.00:45:46.217 --> 00:45:54.759


And that guy and I hate to get you in trouble nowadays but he literally put me against the window and said I am done with you talking about yourself that way.00:45:54.759 --> 00:45:59.811


I can't do it anymore Like you make me miserable hearing how bummed out you are about you.00:45:59.811 --> 00:46:03.313


This is what you are, this is what you will do and this is how you're going to do it.00:46:03.313 --> 00:46:03.914


And just all.00:46:03.914 --> 00:46:06.514


He was never about pointing out the problem.00:46:06.514 --> 00:46:12.858


It was about an answer Like here's the fix, this is what we're going to do, this is how we're going to move forward.00:46:12.858 --> 00:46:18.221


And back then you know you want to hate him and you want to be angry Like I don't want to hear what the adult has to say.00:46:19.021 --> 00:46:30.385


But if he hadn't done that, if he hadn't taken that moment to scare the shit out of me honestly, because no man had ever had the balls to get in my face, honestly, even my stepdads, they wanted smoke until they didn't.00:46:30.385 --> 00:46:33.648


Until I hit that age, until I get that size of you know, I'm done.00:46:33.648 --> 00:46:34.427


I'm done.00:46:34.427 --> 00:46:35.489


No one's going to hit me anymore.00:46:35.489 --> 00:46:38.152


No one's going to hit her anymore.00:46:38.170 --> 00:46:40.072


And and for once, when this happened, I was scared to death.00:46:40.072 --> 00:46:41.574


Like, oh my God, he doesn't even get mad.00:46:41.574 --> 00:46:43.815


This guy doesn't even get mad at me ever.00:46:43.815 --> 00:46:46.398


Like I could say whatever and I'm usually okay.00:46:46.398 --> 00:46:49.400


Now he's like scaring me.00:46:49.400 --> 00:46:52.923


Like I didn't think he was going to like kill me or anything, but I just like I made him mad.00:46:52.923 --> 00:46:58.293


I was more afraid and upset that I had upset him, yeah, and I listened.00:46:58.293 --> 00:46:59.554


It made me listen.00:46:59.554 --> 00:47:06.764


It made me realize, like you know, I'm hurting the one man that's willing to put up with my shit and I need him.00:47:06.764 --> 00:47:10.221


And from that point on we have been best friends.00:47:10.971 --> 00:47:22.985


Like I actually hired him to come out and be my edible chef who infused my cannabis brand, which to me, is like the complete, full circle part of this story.00:47:22.985 --> 00:47:33.447


He was the guy that would always tell me you know, don't play with your food as a kid, you're never going to get anything out of selling drugs and and and weed and food don't go together.00:47:33.447 --> 00:47:42.119


And I got to prove him wrong on all three levels, so much so that when we had the conversation, he said I want to learn like can I come see what you do?00:47:42.119 --> 00:47:55.282


So I flew him out to Arizona and I found out during the time we were searching for him to put him on the doco, he had become a chocolatier for Russell Stovers and worked for them for years.00:47:55.282 --> 00:48:03.851


He actually had been accredited for some neat things that they had invented and it just fit that now I'm doing chocolate.00:48:04.192 --> 00:48:06.717


He was the chocolatier for a company.00:48:06.717 --> 00:48:13.199


Now he's learning how to infuse cannabis into it and launched my brand in 2018 in arizona.00:48:13.199 --> 00:48:18.112


So he's since moved back and got back into selling insurance and all the stuff that dave does.00:48:18.112 --> 00:48:31.260


But just the fact that I could bring him into my world and not feel threatened and not feel like, oh, this is a bad thing or you know, it's open, it's public, it's part of my story and we got to put him in the doco.00:48:31.260 --> 00:48:35.820


I mean, it's just those things we spoke about that you can't write.00:48:35.820 --> 00:48:37.876


I can't make this stuff up.00:48:37.876 --> 00:48:39.235


I wish I was that intelligent.00:48:46.989 --> 00:48:50.525


I'm just honored that I get to walk it out now, because the first 15 years sure felt like quite a struggle and, yeah, no doubt, didn't know where you were going to go with it.00:48:50.545 --> 00:48:59.193


So where, um where do you feel like the biggest switch happened for you as far as just understanding emotional intelligence and that there was more out there than just turning everything into anger and rage?00:48:59.193 --> 00:49:00.594


Like what did that look like for you?00:49:00.594 --> 00:49:00.815


I?00:49:00.835 --> 00:49:06.523


know when I decided that I wanted to spend my life with my wife.00:49:06.523 --> 00:49:09.425


Um, she knew both sides of me.00:49:09.425 --> 00:49:17.976


She knew the me in college, where, when we first met, yeah, she was beautiful but a little young, but we were really close friends for a long time.00:49:17.976 --> 00:49:25.478


But I, I always had these feelings, but she also knew that I wasn't ready, like she knew that she, the maturity wasn't there.00:49:25.478 --> 00:49:30.494


Had we chose to maybe be together back then, I probably would have destroyed it.00:49:30.494 --> 00:49:35.110


I wasn't able to get out of my own ego and out of my own way.00:49:35.110 --> 00:49:38.597


I felt like the world owed me something because of these struggles.00:49:38.597 --> 00:49:45.315


Um, I felt like, because of all the things I had lost, that I didn't deserve good things.00:49:45.315 --> 00:49:48.762


I felt like that at some point she's gonna wake up and go.00:49:49.490 --> 00:49:54.380


I'm gone I'm not sticking this out, yeah um, and who had stuck it out anyway.00:49:54.942 --> 00:49:56.351


You know, no one's stayed.00:49:56.351 --> 00:50:01.018


I mean, you mentioned it in the opening like we're kind of programmed that way.00:50:01.018 --> 00:50:06.306


So I even told her like I made her wait 10 years to get married, which is rare.00:50:06.306 --> 00:50:10.155


The guy's usually not the one making anybody wait, it's the other way around.00:50:10.155 --> 00:50:20.097


And I literally made her wait 10 years and it was because I said you know, if you wake up tomorrow and you don't want to do this, you don't have to take half of everything and be mad or angry.00:50:20.097 --> 00:50:23.733


We can just take what's yours and mine and we can be friends like we started.00:50:23.733 --> 00:50:26.159


And then there's no love lost, no feelings.00:50:26.159 --> 00:50:30.019


And that was my true belief, that was my real thought process.00:50:30.101 --> 00:50:36.376


And in the meantime I didn't realize what I was taking from my wife, what I was preventing my wife from having.00:50:36.376 --> 00:50:38.762


You know, it was all again about me.00:50:38.762 --> 00:50:45.478


And I stopped at that very moment when she told me you know, if you don't want to do this, then I'm going to go.00:50:45.478 --> 00:50:51.139


And I stopped like wait, that wasn't the plan, like what am I doing wrong here?00:50:51.139 --> 00:51:00.132


And when she told me and what she wanted and what she believed and how it felt, then I realized right away that I've got so much more growing and maturing to do.00:51:00.132 --> 00:51:03.416


It was time.00:51:03.416 --> 00:51:15.050


You know, like I, I can't just keep going through these motions of acting like the man and pretending like the man but not being the man.00:51:15.070 --> 00:51:17.179


And even you know like when we first got together, I was in a motorcycle club.00:51:17.179 --> 00:51:17.981


I was the president of a club.00:51:17.981 --> 00:51:19.005


I was horrible to my family.00:51:19.005 --> 00:51:24.914


I was horrible to my wife because I thought that was the excuse I was allowed to have by being in that role.00:51:24.914 --> 00:51:28.543


My dad was in the club, so I thought that was my destiny.00:51:28.543 --> 00:51:30.112


I used that as a crutch.00:51:30.112 --> 00:51:35.771


I used that as an excuse to shit on everyone around me and not grow up and learn how to be a man.00:51:37.235 --> 00:51:37.836


And it was sad.00:51:37.836 --> 00:51:44.376


I wasted a lot of time with that bullshit and I learned through the whole experience that there is no brotherhood.00:51:44.376 --> 00:51:52.802


If I have to write a rule book about a man being a man to me and respecting me as one, I'm already in a bad spot.00:51:52.802 --> 00:51:55.389


It's sad that I didn't see that before.00:51:55.389 --> 00:51:57.235


I looked at it as well.00:51:57.235 --> 00:51:57.574


You know what?00:51:57.574 --> 00:51:58.778


Now I've got a checklist.00:51:58.778 --> 00:52:03.489


If you don't hit the mark, I can just act you out and there's no question.00:52:03.489 --> 00:52:04.492


There's no.00:52:04.492 --> 00:52:06.077


Oh, I didn't know that, you know?00:52:06.077 --> 00:52:06.840


Look, there's rules.00:52:06.840 --> 00:52:08.958


If you don't want to follow them, there's the doorway.00:52:10.070 --> 00:52:23.681


It's sad that, because of the upbringing that that's what it resulted in, of how I felt I needed to build friends and relationships, and I think those are the moments when I realized like I don't need any of that shit.00:52:23.681 --> 00:52:31.253


My wife's my VP, my family is my brotherhood and that's what I need.00:52:31.253 --> 00:52:43.458


And it's sad that it took losing a club or going through those experiences and the raid and going to prison and all of that to single my wife and kids out and realize that those are the only ones that are left.00:52:43.458 --> 00:52:46.398


They're the only ones that give a shit, whether you're here or not.00:52:46.398 --> 00:52:52.759


None of those other people that put you on this pedestal or what you thought was on a pedestal, none of it was real.00:52:52.759 --> 00:52:53.742


That doesn't matter.00:52:53.742 --> 00:52:55.817


I mean, I started as a prospect.00:52:55.817 --> 00:52:58.780


I didn't come in and start a club and put my own patches on me.00:52:58.780 --> 00:53:00.577


I walked in as a grunt.00:53:00.577 --> 00:53:01.322


I earned it.00:53:01.322 --> 00:53:07.519


I got voted into president, which I wore very proudly because I thought I was supposed to.00:53:08.161 --> 00:53:09.510


But none of it means anything.00:53:09.510 --> 00:53:09.771


What does?00:53:09.791 --> 00:53:12.577


that mean President of what Great.00:53:12.577 --> 00:53:15.753


A bunch of other broken men that don't know the direction they're going.00:53:15.753 --> 00:53:20.943


The only thing I did good for them was show them how to treat their wives, and that was after the fact.00:53:20.943 --> 00:53:24.416


That was well after the club, because none of that happened during the club.00:53:24.416 --> 00:53:25.739


Because I was an asshole.00:53:25.739 --> 00:53:30.981


I I honestly was, and that's why I do talks like this today, because it makes me feel good to admit it.00:53:30.981 --> 00:53:40.478


It makes me feel awesome to be able to say man, I'm past all that shit and I love my family more than anything today, and you wouldn't know it from the pictures.00:53:40.478 --> 00:53:47.965


Back then you'd think I was the best man and the best president and the best club and the best family, and none of it was true.00:53:47.965 --> 00:53:52.956


I I tried to force it to be true because I thought that was my destiny.00:53:52.956 --> 00:54:01.514


I thought that's what my dad did, this is what my dad's life was, this is what and I didn't know him very well, but this is probably what I should have been doing and man.00:54:02.076 --> 00:54:03.960


I was farthest from the truth.00:54:03.960 --> 00:54:04.961


I really, really was.00:54:04.961 --> 00:54:06.003


I wasn't a man.00:54:06.003 --> 00:54:07.518


I didn't act like a man.00:54:07.518 --> 00:54:08.909


I mean, I was a coward.00:54:08.909 --> 00:54:13.302


I put my hands on people over what?00:54:13.302 --> 00:54:18.061


Over club rules, over you know, stepping out of line or disrespecting my family.00:54:18.061 --> 00:54:21.293


I'm just I don't want to put my hands on anything ever again.00:54:21.293 --> 00:54:23.454


Ever, ever.00:54:23.454 --> 00:54:27.378


My grandkid gets in trouble and it's like come here, son, let's have a talk.00:54:27.378 --> 00:54:28.601


You know what I mean.00:54:28.601 --> 00:54:30.722


I've turned into that proverbial granddad.00:54:30.722 --> 00:54:31.744


I thought I should have.00:54:31.764 --> 00:54:33.545


That's awesome, though Doesn't that feel so good?00:54:33.846 --> 00:54:34.586


I feel thankful.00:54:34.586 --> 00:54:40.961


I feel thankful that I didn't turn into what the end game probably was going to be.00:54:40.961 --> 00:54:42.523


I'm just thankful.00:54:42.969 --> 00:54:49.958


What did the work look like for you as far as kind of unpacking all of this stuff for yourself, like did you do therapy?00:54:49.958 --> 00:54:53.050


Did you like what were some of the steps that got you to where you are?00:54:53.050 --> 00:54:58.775


Because I'll tell you, you're one of the most emotionally intelligent men I've sat across from, like it's pretty impressive.00:54:59.096 --> 00:55:07.753


I started in therapy, therapy so I felt like I don't know if you've ever seen the movie goodwill hunting, but I felt, like somebody followed me with a camera and then put the movie out.00:55:07.833 --> 00:55:09.018


Because I was that kid.00:55:09.018 --> 00:55:12.532


I I'd go in there and lay on the couch and tell the guy yeah, I found my inner child.00:55:12.532 --> 00:55:15.800


We went fishing and we're better, and it was a game.00:55:15.800 --> 00:55:27.800


It was, you know, and I really didn't feel like someone in a college class that read something in a book was going to come and tell me about what I learned, defending myself in the shower against three guys trying to take something that's not theirs.00:55:27.800 --> 00:55:38.170


You know, like I just I didn't know how that and that's also my naivety as a teenager, as a child, not understanding life, experience and learning.00:55:38.170 --> 00:55:39.612


But I don't know.00:55:39.773 --> 00:55:44.831


For me it was more about looking internally and and making those changes.00:55:44.831 --> 00:55:56.032


Like you've heard the definition of insanity and I lived it, I walked it, I wore that as a, as a badge of honor, like, yeah, I'm going to continue to walk this path and do the same shit and think I'm going to be different.00:55:56.032 --> 00:56:06.737


And once I stopped everything from smoking to cigarettes, to beer to uh, you know, staying up late and watching crazy movies, you name it I changed everything.00:56:06.737 --> 00:56:09.177


We have a whole other lifestyle now.00:56:09.177 --> 00:56:10.574


We get up, we work out.00:56:10.574 --> 00:56:11.739


We do things together.00:56:11.739 --> 00:56:15.856


My life was always telling her on the weekends this is where I'm going to be, for how many miles?00:56:15.856 --> 00:56:18.396


That's just not what we're about.00:56:20.094 --> 00:56:25.239


I really had to look internally and be able to look in the mirror every day and understand that I was a different person.00:56:25.239 --> 00:56:27.237


It's because I wanted that.00:56:27.237 --> 00:56:29.097


I really wanted to be a different person.00:56:29.097 --> 00:56:31.237


I didn't think it was going to be that easy.00:56:31.237 --> 00:56:36.594


Now I say it's easy, obviously because I feel like I've accomplished something, but I do it every day.00:56:36.594 --> 00:56:38.971


Still, every day is a challenge.00:56:38.971 --> 00:56:41.994


Every day there's times I catch myself don't respond that way.00:56:41.994 --> 00:56:43.817


You can't respond that way.00:56:43.817 --> 00:56:45.599


I have to go back and apologize.00:56:45.599 --> 00:56:46.641


Still to this day.00:56:46.641 --> 00:56:47.260


Grab my wife.00:56:47.260 --> 00:56:49.884


I am sorry, I shouldn't have said it that way.00:56:49.884 --> 00:56:51.385


I totally feel like an ass.00:56:56.217 --> 00:56:57.161


And I know she's over there going.00:56:57.161 --> 00:56:58.605


She's like when exactly did that happen?00:57:02.349 --> 00:57:02.992


What did you do with my husband?00:57:02.992 --> 00:57:06.722


Husband, like, I'm sure it's a a change for her too, and by no means do I want to sound like I'm better or I'm I'm fixed or none of that it's.00:57:06.722 --> 00:57:17.835


This is a walk, this is something that we do daily, and you know I have a motto that I live by every day that those who want to be in your life will be, but that means for me too.00:57:17.835 --> 00:57:22.922


So all those people that I want to be in my life, I have to reach out.00:57:22.922 --> 00:57:24.871


I can't sit back and wait.00:57:24.871 --> 00:57:29.025


You know the challenges with my mom, one of those things.00:57:29.025 --> 00:57:32.215


I don't know if I'll be the one reaching out in that circumstance.00:57:32.215 --> 00:57:35.748


Do I think the door's closed all the way?00:57:35.748 --> 00:57:36.030


Never.00:57:36.030 --> 00:57:36.931


It's your mom, you know.00:57:36.931 --> 00:57:38.936


I think that door would always be cracked for something.00:57:38.936 --> 00:57:52.260


But she's got her work to do too, you know, and until she recognizes addiction and just the things she's been through, there's not much of an opportunity there, because we're always going to be at the impasse of.00:57:52.260 --> 00:57:57.501


You're better than me and you know there's just lots of things she's got to work on.00:57:59.052 --> 00:58:02.387


I just realized that every day I've got work to do.00:58:02.387 --> 00:58:03.572


I wake up every day and go.00:58:03.572 --> 00:58:05.139


You know what make me better than yesterday.00:58:05.139 --> 00:58:14.132


Let me do this thing a little bit better, because there are steps I take backwards, there are days where it's like man, I just I don't know why things are the way they are.00:58:14.653 --> 00:58:30.951


I just have to understand that there's a lot bigger things in motion than me and raising my grandkids is part of that and we talk, we laugh, we joke a lot about we sound like our parents like I know my wife says that a lot like I man.00:58:30.951 --> 00:58:37.896


I sound like my mom talking to my kids, that my my grandkids now, and I love that because I don't know what that was like.00:58:37.896 --> 00:58:48.659


You know, I didn't have grandma and grandpa, I didn't have that guidance and being able to be a papa and learn that from her experience with hers and her family, it's probably the biggest learning I've ever had.00:58:48.659 --> 00:58:56.250


Being able to grab that grandkid and just have the patience and have the understanding and have the wherewithal and the bandwidth.00:58:56.250 --> 00:59:03.864


That to me, is worth its weight in gold, more so than anything I learned in my own childhood.00:59:03.864 --> 00:59:06.717


To me it just made it all worth it.00:59:07.010 --> 00:59:24.344


Well, and the way that you say it too, like it's a walk and understanding that, like I'm just trying to be a better version of who I was yesterday, whatever that looks like, and we're going to stumble and we're going to make mistakes and we're going to do all the things, but when you have the family and the partner and all of the things in your life that push you to be the best version of you that you can be, that's it.00:59:24.550 --> 00:59:26.074


We always say that How'd you get here?00:59:26.074 --> 00:59:26.356


And I?00:59:26.356 --> 00:59:27.579


To me that feels like final.00:59:27.579 --> 00:59:29.052


I'm not here.00:59:29.052 --> 00:59:32.340


I'm still walking, I'm still getting there.00:59:32.340 --> 00:59:33.623


I don't think I'm there yet.00:59:33.690 --> 00:59:35.072


I don't think you're ever done Right?00:59:35.072 --> 00:59:43.465


I don't think you're ever done with the work, but if you have the tools to be able to realize how to make things better and how to really prioritize what's important to you same thing Family is everything right.00:59:43.465 --> 00:59:50.108


When you realize that the rest of it just kind of falls away or puts itself into perspective in a really beautiful way.00:59:50.811 --> 00:59:53.099


When they put me in prison for cannabis.00:59:53.099 --> 00:59:56.179


For two years I had no visits with my wife, no contact.00:59:56.179 --> 01:00:10.581


Every time we would try to contact, they would charge me with something on the inside of the prison, as I was breaking a rule to have conversations with my wife, making it sound like we're gang members and I'm trying to talk to my gang member wife and all this crazy stuff.01:00:10.581 --> 01:00:17.534


And I think that was the moment that I you know, when you have no choice but to do it on your own, you have no like.01:00:17.534 --> 01:00:22.532


Granted, she's there, she's my wife, she's not leaving my side, side.01:00:22.532 --> 01:00:23.835


But there's no confirmation, there's no.01:00:23.835 --> 01:00:24.416


I love you honey.01:00:24.416 --> 01:00:26.661


Hey, I still love you honey.01:00:26.661 --> 01:00:28.251


Hey, it's a year and a half later.01:00:28.251 --> 01:00:29.293


I haven't even heard your voice.01:00:29.293 --> 01:00:30.135


Honey, I love you honey.01:00:30.637 --> 01:00:35.838


That's a tough deal and I know a lot of people that have been in long relationships could say, oh yeah, no problem, I could do it.01:00:35.838 --> 01:00:38.813


We even need a break and whatever the case might be.01:00:38.813 --> 01:00:43.864


But that's's a challenge, and not just for me, because my role was easy.01:00:43.864 --> 01:00:51.938


I got to sit in a scheduled room and follow the same schedule every single day program day, program day, program day.01:00:51.938 --> 01:00:57.494


She's the one that had the challenges of you know, car needs an oil change, oh, got a flat tire.01:00:57.494 --> 01:00:58.378


I got to pay the bills.01:00:58.378 --> 01:00:59.695


The kids need school clothes.01:00:59.695 --> 01:01:05.914


You know she had to do all of that and the questions that she had to battle is he going to be okay when he gets out?01:01:05.914 --> 01:01:06.898


Is he going to be normal?01:01:06.898 --> 01:01:08.916


Is he going to go back to the person I want?01:01:08.916 --> 01:01:09.820


Is he going to be better?01:01:09.820 --> 01:01:12.818


She had to carry all that and not know.01:01:12.818 --> 01:01:16.954


So to me that was the battle, that was the challenge.01:01:16.954 --> 01:01:17.213


To me.01:01:17.273 --> 01:01:23.400


I had the easy job Just sit there and don't get in more trouble and just pray she's there when you come home.01:01:23.400 --> 01:01:25.081


She's the one that had to make the call.01:01:25.081 --> 01:01:31.047


I'm going to do this and I'm going to stay solid, and she really didn't have to.01:01:31.047 --> 01:01:38.577


I mean, you sit in there with lots of guys who tell you all the stories of the ones who didn't, and all I could do is just sit there and go.01:01:38.577 --> 01:01:46.632


I'm honestly the luckiest guy in this room, and I just tried not to brag about it.01:01:46.632 --> 01:01:47.552


I piss everybody off.01:01:47.592 --> 01:01:51.076


Yeah, well, she sounds like a strong woman and you're lucky to have her.01:01:51.396 --> 01:01:57.222


My nickname in prison was Hollywood, literally by the COs, because I would get so much mail.01:01:57.222 --> 01:02:00.045


She made sure every single day of the month I got a letter.01:02:00.045 --> 01:02:03.393


Every day my birthday month, I got a card.01:02:03.393 --> 01:02:04.697


Single day of the month I got a letter.01:02:04.697 --> 01:02:04.958


Every day.01:02:04.958 --> 01:02:05.681


My birthday month, I got a card.01:02:05.681 --> 01:02:12.239


Every day of the month I got so much mail I would, and our story was out there because we had court support and the brand and so we had other letters coming in too.01:02:12.239 --> 01:02:18.887


But I felt so bad about the gentleman around me I would hand mail out like hey, man, john, read this to me.01:02:18.887 --> 01:02:20.940


Hey, steven, would you read this card to me?01:02:21.001 --> 01:02:39.958


you know, so it'd become like a 20 man thing where we would sit down and just read the mail that's awesome and go through it and you know, that's awesome that's how the non-profit got started is once I got close to these guys and I saw their artwork and their ability and you know, the ones who are really solid, just men that made a bad choice yeah how else can I help you?01:02:40.320 --> 01:02:40.880


what can I do?01:02:40.940 --> 01:02:50.061


to get your stories out there yeah so we sell their artwork, we get their stories told, we put money on their books, which grew into a a really nice um job.01:02:50.061 --> 01:02:55.293


I love doing my job, but then I got offered to be a board member on a bigger non-profit freedom.01:02:55.293 --> 01:02:56.456


Grow foreverorg.01:02:56.456 --> 01:03:03.992


Um, I'm not only a lifetime board member, but I'm an honorary board member, and all because we just chose to give a shit.01:03:03.992 --> 01:03:07.157


Yeah, and I really that's how I feel like it's.01:03:07.157 --> 01:03:09.784


All it takes is to give a shit.01:03:09.909 --> 01:03:17.077


Yeah, you can mean so much in somebody's life, just yeah, plugging in and seeing how you can, how you can serve the collective right, how you can what?01:03:17.077 --> 01:03:20.152


What pulls at your heartstrings and then what are you going to do about it?01:03:20.213 --> 01:03:27.501


I think that's the huge Just like what you do here, exactly so thank you so much for coming and taking time to speak with me today.01:03:27.501 --> 01:03:39.981


I think your story is powerful and I know that a lot will come from this, just from people listening and understanding that there's a different way besides hiding emotions or pushing it down or not feeling it.01:03:39.981 --> 01:03:41.123


So that's awesome.01:03:41.250 --> 01:03:42.215


I appreciate you having me.01:03:42.255 --> 01:03:46.362


I really do thank you, um, okay, so that's our time for today.01:03:46.362 --> 01:03:49.331


Uh, if you have questions or suggestions, send us an email.01:03:49.331 --> 01:03:53.101


Our email address is ladies at let's get naked podcastcom.01:03:53.101 --> 01:03:58.721


And then do all the things to support the pod follow, share, rate and review and we will catch you next time.01:03:58.721 --> 01:03:59.530


That's a wrap.01:03:59.530 --> 01:04:08.648


And review and we will catch you next time.01:04:08.648 --> 01:04:09.530


That's a wrap.01:04:09.530 --> 01:04:11.994


I'd love to help you get vulnerable.01:04:11.994 --> 01:04:12.394


Let's get naked.