The Hidden Weight of Unprocessed Pain

WEBVTT

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I'd love to help you get vulnerable.

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Let's get naked.

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Hey everyone, I'm Ann.

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Welcome to the let's Get Naked podcast, where we dive deep into vulnerability.

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In this space, we'll explore what triggers us, uncover the patterns holding us back and discover how to take charge of our own growth.

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If you're ready to dig in, be vulnerable and face the tough stuff, then buckle up.

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It's time to get naked.

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Let's talk about what, as a society, we don't talk about enough Unhealed childhood trauma, the stuff that didn't just happen to us, it stayed with us.

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The things we were too young to process, too scared to name, too confused to even understand the pain that got buried deep because no one ever gave us permission or language or space to deal with it.

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So we did what kids do, we survived.

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But here's the thing about trauma Just because you bury it doesn't mean it dies.

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It just grows in the dark and eventually we grow up, but our pain grows with us.

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We become adults with jobs, kids, bills and responsibilities, all while dragging around a suitcase full of broken pieces from a childhood that never got to heal.

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And because no one ever taught us how to sit with that pain or process it or feel it without shame, we numb.

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We numb with work, with drinking, with food, with TV, with porn, with isolation, with scrolling, with isolation, with scrolling, with rage, with perfectionism.

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We tell ourselves that we're fine until one day we're not.

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Because that weight, that silent, invisible weight we've carried for years.

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It gets heavier and heavier until it's crushing us, and when we finally buckle beneath it, we don't always have a map out, because the world never gave us the tools, it gave us silence, it gave us shame.

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And for some, when the pain becomes too loud and the silence becomes too deafening, suicide starts to look like the only way out.

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And that that is the tragedy Not just the loss of a life, but the explosion of pain that ripples through the people who tried to love that man, the family who stood by helplessly watching someone they cared about slowly fall apart, unable to reach them, the partners who begged them to open up, the kids who are now left asking questions with no answers.

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The trauma that doesn't end with death but multiplies.

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This is the cost of unspoken pain.

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This is what happens when we don't talk about trauma, when we don't prioritize emotional intelligence, when we keep pretending that just toughing it out is a plan.

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We have to stop acting like silence is strength.

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We have to stop stigmatizing therapy, emotional expression, healing.

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We have to stop letting broken boys become broken men who are taught to bleed in the dark.

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We have to speak out about this loudly, bravely, nakedly, because when we shine light on the wounds, that's when healing starts, that's when we say you're not alone, that's when we begin to shift this culture, not just for us, but for the next generation.

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Let's get naked, let's get real, let's get free.

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Today, I'm stripping it all off with Melissa Sue Methven.

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She is a mother, author of the book the Truth Behind the Smiles, registered dental hygienist, breathwork facilitator and speaker.

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Welcome to the show, melissa.

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Wow, thank you very much.

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Absolutely.

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What a beautiful intro.

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I could feel that Thank you.

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It really resonated to every word that you talked about in there.

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It's that introduction.

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It's beautiful, thank you, I appreciate that you know.

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I think when we talk about big topics like we are going to today, it's important to just kind of set the stage that those of us that are not going to be silent about things anymore, we need to say the big things.

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We need to say the things that you know broken boys turning into broken men, kind of stuff because I watch it happen in brothers, fathers, husbands.

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I don't want that to happen with our sons, right, and our daughters.

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And then I know that you feel strongly about the exact same things, and so I'm so happy to have you here today.

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So, if you want to maybe just start by kind of giving us a rundown of the last couple of years.

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It's been a little bit of a wild ride and we can back out of it from that point.

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But maybe tell us about your book that you wrote and what sparked that for you.

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Oh wow.

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Yes, well, I lived in Alaska for 16 years with my husband and he was a dentist at Scott Methman.

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We owned our practice in Wasilla, alaska, and there was definitely a lot of numbing, a lot of numbing and you talk about childhood traumas or abandonments and things that were just kind of tucked away.

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That was definitely my husband and not given the tools for emotional intelligence and unfortunately, that all led to him dying by suicide in March 2022.

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And that is when I truly, truly felt very called to start using my voice, which was not something I was raised to do.

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I was always the people pleaser.

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You ask my grandma, who I was as a young little girl from Quebec City, canada, was very shy, very quiet and often just kind of hid behind a smile all the emotions, because that was the safest emotion to share, and that's why the title of my book is the truth behind the smiles, because, uh, one thing we definitely had in common, my husband and I, was to hide behind our smiles, and we were really good at that.

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So once he passed, I felt a strong calling to use the word suicide.

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I had a lot of people ask me what do you want us to say?

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How he passed, and I said died by suicide.

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And even for my own children at the hospital, with their guidance, they said died by suicide due to his brain illness.

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And also my children were old souls.

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I mean they had seen dad and there was trauma prior to him passing, you know, signs of his opioid addiction, alcohol, and there was just they could see that progression as well.

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Yeah, so I definitely felt called to use my voice and share, and a lot of it was more just with friends, social media.

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We had a dental practice, so I had to kind of, you know, use a social media platform to advise patients and and and use my, my voice.

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And the more that I shared, the more people came back and said, oh, I had a relative die by suicide as well, or I have a child who deals with suicide ideation.

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So I saw it as a safe place where people didn't have to suppress anymore, because that's one thing I realized.

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I started getting really curious as to what happened.

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You know, that progression, that slow progression.

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It was just, you know, overnight, right, and a lot of it.

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I saw suppression both for my husband and I, suppressing his childhood and then, you know, getting married.

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Well, he had never dealt with childhood, and neither have I.

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Right, you know, it's the same same with me.

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I just kind of suppress that right.

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And then now we go into a relationship and how that led for him to get a numbing.

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You know the he was a dentist, so it's a very much a back-breaking work.

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So the introduction of opioids are very much a uh, a norm in dentistry is very common, and so it's just once in a while.

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And then, of course, if you never take care of yourself and your own body, that inflammation just keeps building up, and I'm a firm believer of energy exchange.

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And as a dentist and dental professional, you're dealing with patients that carry a lot of fear and anxiety and you take that on, and if you never release it, then as a practitioner you just hold all of that Just more weight.

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Yeah, more and more weight.

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I saw something that was so powerful to me and it was just a clip that it was talking about all of this weight that we carry across the course of our lives, right?

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And so we pick these weights up, and maybe it was a five pound weight or a you know, whatever it is and this man is showing this as a visual as he's walking across the stage and by the time he gets to the other side of the stage, he's got, you know, a barbell over his shoulders and he's got all of these weights that are hooked to his belt and hooks to his whatever.

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And it's like what you're describing to me as far as your husband, kind of taking that, if he's not taking care of himself, where he is releasing that, he's just adding more weight and more weight and more weight, and with no tools to deal with it.

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Right, it's funny because when I talk about childhood trauma, a lot of people think that that must mean getting the shit kicked out of you or sexual trauma or whatever.

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It doesn't have to mean those things, right, having a mother who's, you know, or parents, either one who are emotionally unavailable for you, you know, abandonment, rejection, there's all of these different things, that kind of come in that don't have to look like these big things where you say, well, I didn't have, you know, I didn't have sexual abuse, or I didn't have this or that.

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If you don't process your childhood and you just start piling on top of that, that's how we get to this place of all of us numbing.

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And I hear so much people saying well, I didn't have it as bad as this person, so my stress is not.

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I said no, your body reacts just the same way and you have to really recognize that and then finding ways to the tools to express all the time.

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Think about it Dentists will see 30 to 40 patients a day back to back, and if you're never taking any time, so this becomes this heavy, heavy weight on top of owning practice.

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There's, you know, I have a chapter the dark, you know the dark side of dentistry, and I do speak a lot about that because there's just not enough awareness for dentists.

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And I know I'm trying to introduce breath work for the dental community as well.

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I'm even saying, oh, you know, we wash our hands in between each patient, so why don't you incorporate a breath, a breathing technique when you're washing your hands, yes, and then cutting that line of that last patient and moving on before you move on to the next one?

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You know just those little tools.

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It doesn't have to be very long, right, and but unfortunately for my husband, yeah, it's just one wait after another.

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You know it was also.

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Then he got into a litigation, you know a lawsuit for seven years and that was so heavy for him and for him a lot of it was he wanted.

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He, you know, wanted to be right and you know, sometimes we're like we want justice, we know we're right, but now I saw who won was the two lawyers.

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Wow, they did really well.

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Of course they did really well and but it was seven years where both sides it was so much darkness and so much weight, instead of leaving it out and letting it go and surrendering to wanting to be right, because sometimes this is going to cause you to have so many chronic illnesses and and deepen you know, his depression and numbing it just progressed, you know.

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And then he gets news that his dad is terminally ill and he he's just so saddened so it's almost you have to release these weights because you're gonna constantly have challenges in life and so you got to prep your body and and that's where I really got curious in my own healing, because I read so many books of people that went through, you know, dark times and what did they do to get out?

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Because I was also when I traveled back to Wasilla, Alaska, I go how did I not fall as well?

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I mean, I was starting to.

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People said I started to change, not doing some of the things I used to.

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That light was starting to dim, but I was still.

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You know, I've always exercised, I ate really well and had a fantastic community up there that kept me okay.

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Yeah, you know, but I was starting.

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My body was starting to speak.

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I went through.

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Uh, it started all in the gut.

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I truly believe that that's your first signals.

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You know the gut brain uh connection is real because for me, that's where it spoke.

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First, acid reflux and not being able to eat just bone, just bone broth and crackers, and then it's the hormones, you know, and losing my hair and not sleeping well and just wondering what's going on.

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You know, know, even periods changing and but you go see all these specialists and like, oh, you have GERD.

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Oh, well, take 800 milligrams of ibuprofen and this and that.

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And I'm like, well, it didn't make sense to me.

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This is a terrible plan, right.

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Yeah, it didn't.

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And I started asking more and more questions, seeing more functional medicine and naturopath and that I was the stress the stress, adrenal fatigue, and so I dove into breath work and meditation because I wanted to take care of myself, because I said I I can't fall too right.

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My kids saw the pain yeah, I saw the pain that my kids endured losing their father and that as a parent, you can, you try and keep them so safe.

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Right, that was so me.

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I tried to hide so much from them and I thought that was good.

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You know, I was gonna hide everything and keep them so safe.

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And now I couldn't keep them safe from this pain, this immense pain.

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I said I better do everything possible so I don't fall, so I could show up for them and and also give them the tools, because unfortunately, suicide was also from generations on Scott's side.

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You know both sides of the family and I truly believe that when we are born we're also already carrying generational curses or things that are passed down.

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Even the toxic load is passed down.

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I agree with you a thousand.

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You know.

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I, I more that I dive into the gut health and everything.

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I know that the mom's gut biome transfers to the baby you, and then that's the toxic load that they start with.

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You know from generations, and so I'm a firm believer in all of that.

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Now, because I've seen it right, seen it with my own kids, and my own kids and myself, I'm like, oh, my own science experiment, almost because I'm getting curious.

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I've got brought my children to Dr Amon's clinic for brain scan because I know there's there's something and I couldn't get to the root cause of it.

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I've done gut tests now, um mold testing, and in a lot of it has is in the gut for them.

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There's mold, uh, heavy metals and it's all affecting the brain.

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So I'm seeing correlation as well for mental health, anxiety, depression, and it all starts there.

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And probably with my husband.

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You know he never ate very well, didn't exercise and, you know, took time to take care of himself.

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You know he was really good dentist though, yeah, and perfectionist and loved his patient.

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He gave so much like he was such a generous man, but as much as he was generous he almost had to give back to himself, right?

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well, you have to be able to give from your overflow and when you're not doing that right because you don't know better, because we're not taught what the tools to do that, which I totally got in the same exact trap, right you end up at this place where it's like it comes out sideways, where you're numbing with, you know, the opioids and the alcohol and the you know whatever else your numb of choice is and you're just literally triaging.

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It almost feels like you know you go to work and you put the coins in the back of somebody and they come to life and it's like do, do, do, do, do, and he goes and he smiles and he does all the things and then comes home at the end of the day and just literally triages with whatever numb of choice he is so that he can get back up the next day and do, do, do, do, do, put another couple of quarters in and off.

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We go again, never dealing with any of that.

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Like, of course, we get to these places where we break and for some of us it's we drink our lives into oblivion.

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Some of us it's suicide.

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Some of us it's, you know, completely numbing, to the point where you're just a zombie in your own life and when you realize, you know, for me, my purpose with this podcast is, yes, talk about all the things, but then also share with people.

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It doesn't have to be like that.

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You know, we've come where.

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We just support that whole concept of, okay, I have acid reflux, well, great, let's give you this pill or that pill.

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And then you're just compounding on top of that, on top of that, until you don't even know where it started.

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So it's like when you say, get curious.

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Yes, that's what I'm peddling is get curious about yourself, figure out, pull back the layers of why do I feel like that?

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Why do I believe that let's unpack that, you know, and that's just literally getting quiet with yourself.

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That doesn't have to cost anything.

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That doesn't have to anything.

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Take a blanket, go sit at a park with a journal.

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Don't take your phone, just go sit.

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You know how powerful that is to be able to figure out that stuff, right, and then being able to talk about it with other people.

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Where it's not, there's not this shame associated with it.

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Right, with any of the things that we talk about.

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No shame I have.

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There's no shame on any of that.

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Being able to grieve in front of your children so that they can see that right.

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The stuff that you talk about in your book is so powerful to me because it's like is that the popular answer?

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What you did, no, is that the right one?

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I 1000% agree with you right.

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Like I healed from my stuff in front of my children, not being ashamed of it.

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You know, we went out to dinner last night.

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We were talking about I've been sober for eight years talking with my son about what that was.

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He just turned 18, so he was 10 when I got sober and he wasn't like I wasn't shy about, you know, going through all of that in front of him.

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But he was asking me different questions last night about things and just saying to him like, but I was at the place where I was abusing prescription meds that I was not supposed to be drinking with and then drinking a lot on top of it, like I was drinking to blackout a couple of times a week.

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Saying that to that young man was hard to do, but I'm not going to sugarcoat it.

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I'm not going to let him not see the gross side of that, because that's where it leads if you just let the numbing get out of hand because it feels so good to numb, because you don't have to address any of the shit that's in that messed up bag that you carry forward from stuff you know.

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But when we realize, like, do the work, the work feels so good to be able to get it out, is it painful.

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A thousand percent right, you know if you've done the work, but like you look at that and you're talking about you and your husband.

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You didn't do the work, he didn't do the work, not on any fault of your guys.

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You didn't even know it was a thing.

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Same thing with my husband and I right.

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You just get together and then it's like, well, what does that look like?

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And and you can see as it unfolds in front of you of like, numbing, not being there for each other, just literally trying to triage yourself so that you can get up and give the best parts of your day to your work and then come home and give shit to your family, right, because that's where you feel like you can just unplug and numb.

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It's like, shouldn't it be the opposite?

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Right, our families are the most important things to us, right, but we do, we're so conditioned to like have everyone think that what the perfect right you're saying put the smile on hiding behind the smile, all the thing right, it is the ego's the worst.

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Yeah, I think for my husband, every time I'd say let's just let it go, let's downsize, let's sell the practice, let's become a, so like it had become such an identity the house, the office, the, you know, and for him also, being that superman, you know, six foot four, handsome, he's like wow, you know, coming removing that mask, he thought there'd be so much shame and people wouldn't think of him as higher.

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but I feel when you do remove, people are like wow, that was so courageous and it allows other men you know for him, if he did to do the same yes, you know, I find the exact same thing right when I have men on this podcast and they're able to share their stories and the different things and and not be ashamed about the past that they have and the healing that they've done.

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It shows other men that they can have permission to do the exact same thing.

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When you said something about him needing to be right with the lawsuit, it definitely resonates with me.

00:21:04.212 --> 00:21:10.412
As far as just men in life Most specifically, I see it in women too resonates with me as far as just men in life most specifically, I see it in women too, but most specifically in men.

00:21:10.412 --> 00:21:21.852
There's this thing where it's like they don't know how to deal with whatever the emotion is that happened when they were wronged right and they literally turn that back into where they dig their heels in, and I've watched men destroy their lives for needing to be right.

00:21:21.852 --> 00:21:26.292
You know, and I always used to joke around with my husband about like I would rather be be happy than right.

00:21:26.834 --> 00:21:28.759
He would rather be right than happy, right.

00:21:28.759 --> 00:21:32.029
I'm trying to change him slowly because it's like what is the cost?

00:21:32.069 --> 00:21:32.411
Right.

00:21:33.243 --> 00:21:33.806
Like right.

00:21:33.806 --> 00:21:35.384
What was the cost for your husband?

00:21:35.664 --> 00:21:36.446
He destroyed his life.

00:21:36.446 --> 00:21:37.750
It did it destroyed his life.

00:21:38.059 --> 00:21:43.661
And so if it's like, if you realize, if you put these things into your hands, okay, I can be right, but then what does that?

00:21:43.661 --> 00:21:53.415
Where's the value in?

00:21:53.435 --> 00:21:53.557
that.

00:21:53.557 --> 00:21:57.576
Oh yeah, he was ready to spend all his money to be right, he was ready all his time.

00:21:57.670 --> 00:21:58.935
Yeah, he gets obsessed with it.

00:21:59.309 --> 00:22:00.775
Yeah, he became really.

00:22:00.775 --> 00:22:03.000
It was an obsession, absolutely.

00:22:03.000 --> 00:22:19.236
It took, I remember, you know, because we'd work together he'd be late for patients because he was on the phone with lawyers or, you know, the police department, things like that, and he was just so, he was like, oh, so close, and then it was always when we win, then all these happen, and I saw the opposite.

00:22:19.430 --> 00:22:20.714
You're like you're destroying our life.

00:22:20.776 --> 00:22:30.395
Yes, it was just over consuming every night and, like you painted such a great picture with going to work Because, yes, we would go to work together He'd have this smile.

00:22:30.395 --> 00:22:34.616
He's got a great sense of humor with each patient, so he was really great.

00:22:34.616 --> 00:22:42.839
But the minute he walked home, he would go walk to his own room, very dark, and unplug yeah, with phone, we would not see him.

00:22:42.839 --> 00:22:45.351
Yeah, he'd actually get up when we go to sleep.

00:22:45.351 --> 00:22:47.237
Yeah, because he wouldn't sleep very well.

00:22:47.237 --> 00:22:52.311
And um, so much numbing, the numbing of, uh, yeah, the opioids.

00:22:52.311 --> 00:22:54.596
At this point had, you know, muscle relaxer.

00:22:54.596 --> 00:23:09.069
He was on some antidepressants, but again, they're just, you know, just a variety of things, a pornography addiction as well just all these dopamine hits that he was looking from the outside so he wouldn't have to feel what was really going on.

00:23:09.090 --> 00:23:15.500
The root cause of a feeling wrong there were abandonment and and you, or even going back to childhood.

00:23:15.500 --> 00:23:21.359
For him, therapy was scary and I don't know, I don't know why.

00:23:21.359 --> 00:23:27.058
I mean, when I talked to you know family members, a lot of it was from past generations.

00:23:27.058 --> 00:23:28.814
You know when they would go to therapy.

00:23:28.814 --> 00:23:31.741
You know the shock therapy and all that Like that was scary, right?

00:23:31.930 --> 00:23:36.638
And so that's what they may associate some of that with, where it isn't like okay, we're actually going to get better here.

00:23:36.638 --> 00:23:38.142
It's scary from that standpoint.

00:23:38.201 --> 00:23:42.601
It's scary for them and I know family history, you know bipolar and whatnot.

00:23:42.601 --> 00:23:50.597
And maybe he was afraid of a diagnosis or anything and lose his license, I don't know, but it was definitely not something he wanted to step in.

00:23:50.597 --> 00:23:56.000
So then I would go and see a therapist and hopefully they give me tools I could bring back home.

00:23:56.000 --> 00:24:01.567
And uh, you know, I had found a rehab center, was mostly doctors there was only six of them.

00:24:01.567 --> 00:24:03.092
I was like maybe you could fly and take a month.

00:24:03.092 --> 00:24:08.993
But he'd always be like, well, I, well, I'm, I'm not addicted and all you know, I got full control of everything.

00:24:09.535 --> 00:24:18.557
So and when he would talk about these antidepressants he was on he's like, well, no, this is only it's an antidepressant, but I use it for nerve damage because he was in a lot of pain.

00:24:18.557 --> 00:24:24.796
So it was just so hard for him to remove that mask and really to see himself.

00:24:24.796 --> 00:24:28.531
And I love that you say you don't need a lot of money to go through therapy.

00:24:28.531 --> 00:24:30.941
Honestly, it's that quiet, stillness, space.

00:24:30.941 --> 00:24:34.814
I know when I finally moved to Arizona is all I remember saying.

00:24:34.814 --> 00:24:44.114
It's like I just feel like I need space, like I just needed I disconnected from social media.

00:24:44.114 --> 00:24:44.756
I even I so many people.

00:24:44.756 --> 00:24:45.198
It was so wonderful.

00:24:45.198 --> 00:24:46.884
I had a wonderful community checking in on us and my family.

00:24:46.884 --> 00:24:51.276
We had meals delivered to us for three months, we had cleaning services.

00:24:51.276 --> 00:24:57.915
We had so many like donations and really take it like, lift it up, you know, know and.

00:24:57.915 --> 00:25:05.122
But at one point I was like I can't answer any more phone calls I just needed quietness and I really did find that.

00:25:05.202 --> 00:25:15.939
I actually started going to a place called reconnect mind, body and it's an hour of just cold plunging, sauna, red light therapy, and I would do breath work as well.

00:25:15.939 --> 00:25:29.030
And through breath work is where I did profound healing from generational, you know, and also PTSD from me finding my husband, that vision.

00:25:29.030 --> 00:25:36.355
I would go to the gym, I go grocery shopping and all of a sudden I would see that vision and I'm about to break and cry.

00:25:36.355 --> 00:25:46.121
But I've had programmed myself since a five-year-old girl to not cry in public, so I'd just run and I would hide, you know.

00:25:46.121 --> 00:26:00.916
But breathwork allowed me to just completely unload after breathwork session and just cry in somebody's arms and it was just that safe container and being able to process the PTSD vision.

00:26:00.916 --> 00:26:03.583
I still remember it came at a breathwork session.

00:26:03.583 --> 00:26:13.458
It came right in my face and I was like whoa, really caught off guard, and but then it was just like you know, god was saying let it go, let it go, we're not meant to carry that stuff around.

00:26:14.359 --> 00:26:17.477
I am I am a huge proponent of breathwork.

00:26:17.477 --> 00:26:27.292
I found that when I went to rehab eight years ago was when I was first introduced to it, and what it revealed for me during that session was just mind boggling.

00:26:27.292 --> 00:26:31.541
And I've started doing it very regularly over the last year.

00:26:31.541 --> 00:26:42.611
I kind of came back to my life and was just trying to put the pieces of my life back together and so, you know, didn't really follow up with that until about a year ago where I was like why haven't I gotten back into that, you know?

00:26:42.611 --> 00:26:44.417
And so I found somebody locally that I see.

00:26:45.131 --> 00:27:03.460
And now I've gotten to the point over the last year where I host events at my house where I just want people to be able to come experience that, because the healing that comes out of the breath work and the intensity that the gal that I and she's been on the podcast but to me the breath work is huge.

00:27:03.460 --> 00:27:15.041
For all of that, my husband now does it with me and he's, you know, realizing kind of the benefits of really being able to do that, because I don't need a tough man who doesn't talk about stuff until something breaks right.

00:27:15.041 --> 00:27:16.914
Let's do the work now yeah, right.

00:27:17.256 --> 00:27:17.979
And does it look pretty?

00:27:17.979 --> 00:27:25.597
No, but I'll hold space for any man that wants to be able to do that Because I think you know, we've spent all of this time focusing on women, which I love.

00:27:25.597 --> 00:27:27.852
Women and women in Paramount, all the things right.

00:27:27.852 --> 00:27:36.836
I'm going to always be supportive, but I look at our men, because I have a dad and brothers and my husband, my son, and it's like we need to be able to help them as well.

00:27:36.836 --> 00:27:39.619
So I was talking with the breathwork gal about.

00:27:39.619 --> 00:27:41.080
All right, I'm starting a men's group.

00:27:41.121 --> 00:27:44.144
I don't know why the hell, I'm doing that, but the universe told me I'm doing that now.

00:27:44.184 --> 00:27:48.695
So I asked a couple of people about like these men, would you come over and do breathwork?

00:27:48.695 --> 00:27:53.843
If I put this together and I have a half a dozen men that are like I couldn't be more proud, right?

00:27:53.843 --> 00:28:08.474
So I'm like I don't know where this is going to go, but I'm happy to hold space for these men because I've always had more of a masculine energy anyways, and so to be able to be approachable where it's like I can hold space for men, I don't have any problem with that.

00:28:08.474 --> 00:28:12.318
Like I'm there's not a demon that you have that's going to scare me.

00:28:12.378 --> 00:28:13.359
I've seen it all.

00:28:13.359 --> 00:28:19.586
Do you know the visualization that I talked about at the beginning of the podcast, where you're carrying all of this weight and you don't even realize it?

00:28:19.586 --> 00:28:21.753
It's like you want to live your life like that.

00:28:21.753 --> 00:28:25.201
Yeah, this human experience is freaking Disneyland.

00:28:25.201 --> 00:28:27.013
We've literally been put in Disneyland.

00:28:27.013 --> 00:28:31.291
There's all of these things that you can come from, this place of awe and wonder and exploring your life.

00:28:31.291 --> 00:28:32.834
Right To me, I'm like get back to that eight-year-old kid, you know.

00:28:32.834 --> 00:28:35.357
I'm like get back to that eight-year-old kid, you know.

00:28:35.397 --> 00:28:47.280
I was talking to my husband about all of these things where it's like all of these grown men who are 40, 50, 60 years old, who are doing all of the things that you're talking about your husband was doing just to try to get a hit any hit doesn't matter, right?

00:28:47.280 --> 00:28:49.638
All of the things where it's like I just want to feel something.

00:28:49.638 --> 00:29:03.343
How are you going to feel something when you're numbing out with all of those things?

00:29:03.343 --> 00:29:03.733
I'm not coming from a place of judgment.

00:29:03.733 --> 00:29:04.163
We all do it, we all have done that right.

00:29:04.163 --> 00:29:13.925
But when you realize we don't have to do that, you can really get rid of all of that shit and get down to who you are at your core, because it's not about adding more, it's about taking away, it's about finding out and remembering who you were right, and to me, the breath work has done that, for me, it reconnects you to your heart.

00:29:14.086 --> 00:29:20.259
Oh my God, it totally does, and it helps you like, clean out all of that gunk that we've stored on top of it for whatever reason.

00:29:20.259 --> 00:29:27.337
Right, you were taught to smile and to be a people pleaser and to be silent, and you be uncomfortable so that someone else isn't uncomfortable.

00:29:27.829 --> 00:29:35.813
That's where we are in this game where I'm like absolutely not, don't you dare be uncomfortable, I don't give a fuck who's uncomfortable, right, let everybody else be uncomfortable.

00:29:35.813 --> 00:29:38.734
You're the only one who you're supposed to take care of, right?

00:29:38.734 --> 00:29:47.941
So, being able to really understand that and say I'm going to go all in on me, I'm going to figure out what, in my knowing, in my nectar, in my core, who am I?

00:29:47.941 --> 00:29:48.721
Right?

00:29:48.721 --> 00:29:57.968
Because the rest of it doesn't matter, the rest of the programming, either from society or organized religion, or your upbringing or whatever those things look like, tear all that shit away.

00:29:57.968 --> 00:29:58.932
Tear it all away.

00:29:58.932 --> 00:30:01.336
Right, what's left underneath there?

00:30:01.336 --> 00:30:11.362
Because I believe not saying that I'm done with my work, but I believe that I've found that little eight-year-old girl and I go through life with this sense of awe and wonder that is magical.

00:30:11.362 --> 00:30:15.237
Every day is the best day of my life, and that doesn't mean shit doesn't happen.

00:30:15.237 --> 00:30:21.974
That doesn't mean things don't fall apart.

00:30:21.974 --> 00:30:22.557
That doesn't mean whatever.

00:30:22.557 --> 00:30:22.979
I'm not numbing out.

00:30:22.979 --> 00:30:23.863
I'm feeling things right, which sucks right.

00:30:23.883 --> 00:30:25.188
I'm in my office yesterday, my son's graduating from high school.

00:30:25.188 --> 00:30:32.934
I used to not cry, but apparently when you stay open, you have to feel your emotions when they come up, not push them down, which is not pretty or popular, but it doesn't matter.

00:30:32.934 --> 00:30:35.638
I've agreed to do that because that's the mission that I'm on, you know.

00:30:35.638 --> 00:30:40.526
So my right-hand gal comes in and I'm crying in my office and she's like are you okay?

00:30:40.526 --> 00:30:44.821
I'm like no, I just saw my son in his you know, in his cap and gown and whatever.

00:30:44.821 --> 00:30:45.352
It's just like.

00:30:45.352 --> 00:30:46.917
I hate it, love it.

00:30:47.089 --> 00:30:49.997
It's amazing you know, you almost want to pat yourself on the back, exactly.

00:30:49.997 --> 00:30:57.471
Oh, I just did that.

00:30:57.471 --> 00:30:57.951
A couple of weeks ago.

00:30:57.951 --> 00:30:59.174
I took the RV for Easter and I was like, oh, let's go camping.

00:30:59.174 --> 00:31:05.335
And I was just going through some stuff and and and I show up at the check-in at the RV place and I just start bawling.

00:31:05.335 --> 00:31:09.791
I was like, I was like, oh, I guess I was like I'm sorry, I'm going through so much.

00:31:09.791 --> 00:31:13.538
She's like oh, let it out, go to the Creek and let it all out there.

00:31:13.538 --> 00:31:14.599
You, the perfect place.

00:31:14.599 --> 00:31:19.276
And she just held space for me and I was like I came out, I was like, oh, I just did that.

00:31:19.276 --> 00:31:20.479
I'm like oh, right on, you're like.

00:31:20.558 --> 00:31:23.914
I am healing, you know, because I'm able to just cry in front.

00:31:23.914 --> 00:31:34.730
You know my kids too, and and I truly just apologize when I know I'm in the wrong with my kids, but showing that these emotions are normal and and asking the question as to why are they coming.

00:31:34.730 --> 00:31:36.251
You, you know where are they coming from.

00:31:36.251 --> 00:31:39.653
You know, ultimately, we don't want to sit in the fear and the shame.

00:31:39.653 --> 00:31:40.874
We want to feel peace.

00:31:40.874 --> 00:31:42.434
How do we get there?

00:31:42.434 --> 00:31:43.015
How do we?

00:31:43.015 --> 00:31:44.576
All of us want to feel peace.

00:31:44.576 --> 00:31:49.038
Yes, and that's really getting in the deep dark.

00:31:49.038 --> 00:31:49.598
It is.

00:31:49.598 --> 00:31:56.501
You have to get the real deep dark and ask the question, sit alone and feel it.

00:31:56.501 --> 00:32:00.584
See that two year old, five year old, eight year old, and what does?

00:32:00.584 --> 00:32:02.005
What does she need?

00:32:02.025 --> 00:32:04.605
Yeah, right, right, and letting her know that it's okay.

00:32:04.605 --> 00:32:08.228
Right, like it was wrong that you had to suppress that.

00:32:08.228 --> 00:32:17.449
Right, when your specific story about, like smiling and just making other people comfortable, it was wrong that people did that, did.

00:32:17.449 --> 00:32:18.632
Were they giving you the best that they could?

00:32:18.632 --> 00:32:20.115
Yes, right, your grandma didn't know better, your mom didn't know better.

00:32:20.115 --> 00:32:23.102
Right, they're not psychopaths, they're just doing the best that they can with what they had.

00:32:23.102 --> 00:32:30.532
You know, in passing that down to you but really realizing that's not the right thing, our emotions are actually our superpower, right, that's what.

00:32:30.532 --> 00:32:34.597
That's what you're knowing is right, you're supposed to be able to be in tune with those things.

00:32:34.979 --> 00:32:40.506
And for me, I just feel silly that I spent 40 years of my life pushing that shit down and like no one's gonna see me.

00:32:40.506 --> 00:32:41.105
I'm so tough.

00:32:41.105 --> 00:32:42.775
Look at all of this weight that I can carry.

00:32:42.775 --> 00:32:44.500
I didn't even realize I was doing it.

00:32:44.500 --> 00:32:48.959
But I look back now and I'm like silly, silly woman, silly, silly woman.

00:32:48.959 --> 00:32:50.041
I didn't know any better.

00:32:50.041 --> 00:32:53.117
You know, I saw my mom being very emotional when I was growing up.

00:32:53.117 --> 00:33:00.657
It looked so messy to me because she was just the, you know, like she didn't have a lot of a good example either.

00:33:00.657 --> 00:33:07.240
I mean, she was just dealing, you know, playing the hand, that she was dealt as well, but it's like I looked at that and I thought that seems horrible.

00:33:07.240 --> 00:33:08.570
I'm not going to do that, you know.

00:33:08.570 --> 00:33:14.280
So I would be the masculine side of things and, okay, I've got all of this, it's no problems, I can handle all of the things.

00:33:15.261 --> 00:33:20.961
For what you get a gold star at the end yes, right, we feel like oh, I'm so strong, I can do everything on my own.

00:33:20.961 --> 00:33:22.875
It's like for what Right?

00:33:22.894 --> 00:33:23.938
We're not meant to do that.

00:33:23.938 --> 00:33:25.280
We're meant to be in connection.

00:33:25.280 --> 00:33:30.635
We're meant to be able to share stuff with people and be able to really say here's the messy shit I went through.

00:33:30.635 --> 00:33:33.118
Let me give you some tips and tricks to what worked for me.

00:33:33.118 --> 00:33:34.279
Obviously, you're you know.

00:33:34.279 --> 00:33:40.207
What you're going to do is going to be different and support each other from a place of non-judgment, hold space for each other.

00:33:40.207 --> 00:33:43.336
As a society, we've gotten so far away from that.

00:33:43.336 --> 00:33:46.613
How does anybody feel comfortable to even come from this place of like?

00:33:46.613 --> 00:33:50.611
Here's the mess that I'm going through, because everyone is so quick to judge.

00:33:50.671 --> 00:33:55.819
But, when you realize that those people that are judging they haven't done any of their own inner work.

00:33:55.819 --> 00:33:58.724
And when you're judging other people, you're judging yourself first.

00:33:58.724 --> 00:34:02.740
I didn't realize that concept until the last couple of years, where I'm just like it blew my mind.

00:34:02.740 --> 00:34:09.282
I'm like all of those things that I was judging other people for are things in myself that I needed to look at, you know.

00:34:09.282 --> 00:34:17.659
So when I started to do that, I was like this is powerful, because when you talk about the fear and the shame, I don't want to live in either of those things.

00:34:17.659 --> 00:34:26.750
Right, and to me it's either you're living in the fear or love, and it's just that's.

00:34:26.750 --> 00:34:27.492
Which bucket do you want to be in?

00:34:27.492 --> 00:34:28.813
Because everything that we have in our society is rooted in fear.

00:34:28.813 --> 00:34:29.155
Am I good enough?

00:34:29.155 --> 00:34:29.255
Am I?

00:34:29.275 --> 00:34:32.521
You know, we're dividing each other with political parties, and who believes this?

00:34:32.521 --> 00:34:33.563
Who gives a shit?

00:34:33.563 --> 00:34:34.864
Who gives a shit?

00:34:34.864 --> 00:34:35.365
Right?

00:34:35.365 --> 00:34:36.268
Who gives a shit?

00:34:36.268 --> 00:34:36.889
What you think?

00:34:36.889 --> 00:34:39.416
I don't care what you think, I don't care what I think Right, like.

00:34:39.416 --> 00:34:46.969
Let's figure out how to get down to who we are at our core, who our light is, who our energy is right, and then just have fun in this world.

00:34:46.969 --> 00:34:49.211
Be good people, be of service to other people.

00:34:49.211 --> 00:34:53.153
When you figure all of that out, like, you get to this place where it's like how can I help?

00:34:53.153 --> 00:34:55.135
How can I do my part right?

00:34:55.135 --> 00:34:55.974
What is my part?

00:34:55.974 --> 00:35:02.918
I read something in a book the other day and it said something about get in the flow, do your part and enjoy the ride.

00:35:02.918 --> 00:35:07.021
And if you can figure out how to do that, god, that's wild.

00:35:07.201 --> 00:35:07.902
Yeah, that's beautiful.

00:35:07.922 --> 00:35:15.666
It is beautiful, it's like the rest of the shit doesn't matter and it's like but I was this and I was that and I was whatever.

00:35:15.666 --> 00:35:16.867
And then what happened?

00:35:16.867 --> 00:35:26.471
And I don't mean to downplay anybody's stuff, but it's like, let it go.

00:35:26.471 --> 00:35:28.840
You're going to let shit that happened to you 30 years ago dictate today.

00:35:28.840 --> 00:35:29.603
Do you know how beautiful today is?

00:35:29.603 --> 00:35:31.028
Do you know the amazing things that are happening today?

00:35:31.028 --> 00:35:40.043
Right, Like, it's like going to a restaurant, getting food poisoning and then asking for a to-go container so that you can fucking bring that home and eat it every day for the rest of your life, right?

00:35:40.123 --> 00:35:42.552
it's like no, thank you, no, thank you.

00:35:42.552 --> 00:35:47.070
That's the worst plan on the planet, by the way, but that's what we're down yeah, that's what we do.

00:35:47.170 --> 00:35:50.059
yeah, that's kind of big part of my healing, like letting go.

00:35:50.059 --> 00:35:52.911
Writing my book was completely letting it go.

00:35:52.911 --> 00:35:56.898
It doesn't define me, I don't carry it with me, it's actually I see it as a gift.

00:35:56.898 --> 00:36:09.061
I wouldn't be where I am sitting with you now sharing a story if that didn't happen right, and if, for me, being of service every day, I say, okay, how can I be of service?

00:36:09.061 --> 00:36:19.916
And if it is just sharing my story and, um, helping others be able to share theirs and not, or also, I like to just plant that seed, like, where are you sitting in our timeline?

00:36:19.916 --> 00:36:40.440
I think people can find themselves either in my story or my husband's story, you know, and or even my kids, you know I had taught them to hide behind the smiles but and nudging you to be like, okay, maybe I need to start digging and seeing what's out there to giving resources as to where to go, where to start.

00:36:40.701 --> 00:36:46.277
You know, I mean, nowadays we've got a great platform with podcasts, where I love podcasts.

00:36:46.277 --> 00:36:50.271
I listen to them all the time and I love yours because it is so raw, thank you.

00:36:50.271 --> 00:36:52.416
It's authentic and it's real stories.

00:36:52.878 --> 00:36:54.581
You know it is and it's just a.

00:36:54.581 --> 00:36:54.922
It's a.

00:36:54.922 --> 00:37:01.619
I believe that my mission is just to hold space right for other people as they heal, as they talk about things.

00:37:01.619 --> 00:37:02.099
That's all.

00:37:02.099 --> 00:37:02.782
That's all I want to do.

00:37:02.782 --> 00:37:04.474
I told my husband it's giving me full body chills.

00:37:04.474 --> 00:37:06.260
I just want to hold space for other people.

00:37:06.260 --> 00:37:08.911
You know, in a non, people don't even understand.

00:37:08.931 --> 00:37:22.818
Sometimes when I say hold space, it's like you don't have to say anything, right, if that's not what's called for, that situation, but just to really meet someone where they are in their journey, in their healing, so that they don't feel judged, so that they don't feel like they're doing the wrong thing.

00:37:22.818 --> 00:37:25.190
There's a lot of messy stuff that's out there, right.

00:37:25.190 --> 00:37:27.197
So it's like being able to do that.

00:37:27.197 --> 00:37:28.663
It feels like the honor of my life.

00:37:28.663 --> 00:37:32.753
You know, when people realize like, fix your shit, I don't.

00:37:32.753 --> 00:37:35.097
We don't have to pussyfoot around stuff, we don't have to sugar, sugarcoat it.

00:37:35.097 --> 00:37:36.701
There's gross stuff that happens, right.

00:37:36.701 --> 00:37:44.318
All the things that we're talking about fucking, suicide and numbing and being people pleasing and hiding behind smiles and carrying all this weight.

00:37:44.318 --> 00:37:46.838
We're suffering in silence, right.

00:37:46.838 --> 00:37:54.454
There was a line in what I read where it's talking about broken men that are bleeding in the dark and when you look at that it's like God.

00:37:54.494 --> 00:38:06.722
That hurts my soul to say, but that's what we're doing yeah, it really is, because if you, they, they hide it so well, they've learned to hide it so well, like, for example, the day before my husband died by suicide.

00:38:06.722 --> 00:38:08.389
We were in, we were in maui.

00:38:08.389 --> 00:38:09.411
This all happened in maui.

00:38:09.411 --> 00:38:12.300
We were snorkeling in lanai with friends.

00:38:12.300 --> 00:38:16.867
He's smiling, he's happy, he's talking, we're holding hands, we're talking about when we get home.

00:38:16.867 --> 00:38:18.715
He was never open to therapy, but he's smiling, he's happy, he's talking, we're holding hands, we're talking about when we get home.

00:38:18.715 --> 00:38:23.485
He was never open to therapy, but he's like let's buy some books, let's read a chapter every night.

00:38:23.485 --> 00:38:35.880
I said love to, yes, you know, and we, I, we get back to our condo, make a nice steak dinner, like it was, honestly, there was so much hope, yes, and and in the next day takes his life.

00:38:35.880 --> 00:38:41.534
So, yes, there's bleeding, I, I, there's so many men out there hurting, like that's actually.

00:38:41.635 --> 00:38:49.458
Yesterday I met with Tyler Hall locally and he showed me this video about the soccer uh video.

00:38:49.458 --> 00:38:52.443
And it showed uh, they're at a soccer game, they're cheering.

00:38:52.443 --> 00:38:57.501
There's two men and there's one guy that's a little bit subdued when he's cheering on for the team.

00:38:57.501 --> 00:39:01.079
So you're thinking he's the depressed one.

00:39:01.079 --> 00:39:03.559
And I thought so I'm watching this video.

00:39:03.559 --> 00:39:16.320
I'm like, oh, this guy's a little subdued when there's like a goal and his friend's like, yeah, but the next clip is the friend who was subdued putting a little that he's no longer has.

00:39:16.320 --> 00:39:20.677
His friend who was so enthusiastic loved the game and he passed.

00:39:20.838 --> 00:39:25.235
You don't even realize that like what that last straw is going to be for people.

00:39:25.235 --> 00:39:26.983
You don't realize how bad they're suffering.

00:39:27.003 --> 00:39:36.619
Like you realized, yes, something was wrong with your husband right, obviously, you see the numbing, you see all these things, but you didn't know, right, like you said, there was hope, there was all of this stuff.

00:39:36.619 --> 00:39:39.166
So it's like you just never know what somebody is going through.

00:39:39.166 --> 00:39:50.135
So being able to say I'm done, I'm done perpetuating and being silent so that our broken men are bleeding in the dark, I'm just, I'm not doing it anymore, like I.

00:39:50.135 --> 00:39:54.338
I want to be the one that is standing up and saying we don't have to do this.

00:39:54.338 --> 00:39:56.498
Hey, hey, you guys, we can go a different way.

00:39:56.818 --> 00:40:19.052
Because I watch as the men in my life my brother, right, who's doing the work, my husband who's doing the work I watch as the awe and the wonder come back into these men, not from trying to get a dopamine hit because they've numbed enough, right, not from enough booze, not from enough food, not from enough porn, not from enough whatever, but from getting all of that shit away and feeling like an eight-year-old boy.

00:40:19.052 --> 00:40:27.385
Because what I'll tell you is my favorite thing on this planet is to look at a grown man and see the eight-year-old boy inside of him smile.

00:40:27.385 --> 00:40:32.822
We were at a baseball game and I was watching as the security guard who stands watching out at the stands.

00:40:32.822 --> 00:40:43.690
The players were going by him and he was fist-pumping them and that players were going by him and he was fist pumping them and I could see his little eight eight-year-old boy inside this 50-year-old man just smiling.

00:40:43.639 --> 00:40:46.083
He wasn't really smiling, but you could see him smiling underneath and I'm like, yes, how do we get more of that shit?

00:40:46.083 --> 00:40:49.429
Right, because that's the stuff where it's like we should be cultivating that right.

00:40:49.429 --> 00:41:02.018
When I'm out looking at something or doing something that makes me feel like a kid as a 47 year old woman, I'm like, yes, yes, more of that, more of that and less of the shit that I was dealt that I don't have to carry around.

00:41:02.018 --> 00:41:22.081
Right, when you're not carrying all that stuff around that you don't even realize that you're carrying around, you get to plug in with life in a way that's actually like amazing, so true it is amazing, so true, going back to what you really love as a child to do being creative, and I love, love men that now are getting curious and wanting to go dig deeper.

00:41:22.242 --> 00:41:23.989
Okay, why am I having these patterns?

00:41:23.989 --> 00:41:24.952
Like that's sexy.

00:41:24.972 --> 00:41:26.978
Yeah, I agree with you a thousand percent.

00:41:26.978 --> 00:41:31.061
I've never found my husband more sexy than when he's like let's fucking dig into why I'm like this.

00:41:31.081 --> 00:41:52.650
I'm like oh, my God, I know, I'm like oh yeah, the way they start processing and asking, being open to you know, uh, breathwork, being open to hypnotherapy, being open to just going, journaling, journaling men that are journaling every day now, you know, and journaling is such a great way to release.

00:41:52.650 --> 00:41:54.275
It's everything I've been telling everybody.

00:41:54.275 --> 00:41:57.306
Everybody should write a book, yeah well, exactly because it is it's?

00:41:57.326 --> 00:42:01.041
so therapeutic to be able to look at that and say, like, what is my, is my story?

00:42:01.041 --> 00:42:01.463
What?

00:42:01.463 --> 00:42:02.425
What does you know?

00:42:02.425 --> 00:42:03.286
What is my nectar?

00:42:03.286 --> 00:42:04.759
What is that knowing inside of me?

00:42:04.759 --> 00:42:08.481
Where's that eight year old girl can be a different age for everybody, right, for me it just happens to be eight.

00:42:08.481 --> 00:42:12.858
But I look at that and I remember when we were eight we didn't have all this bullshit.

00:42:12.858 --> 00:42:17.003
If I saw you on the playground, melissa, I would have run over and be like hey, you want to be friends?

00:42:17.643 --> 00:42:18.626
Do we do that anymore?

00:42:18.626 --> 00:42:19.146
Right Like.

00:42:19.387 --> 00:42:22.451
I look at that and I think we've so divided each other with these.

00:42:22.451 --> 00:42:29.429
We're all trying to be this person that isn't even really a person that's all put together and don't let anybody see the mess.

00:42:29.429 --> 00:42:31.237
Put all that shit under the rug, keep it in the family, keep it behind.

00:42:31.257 --> 00:42:40.199
We don't want to show that and it's like how's that working out for everybody just out of curiosity I was so good at that absolutely like the cover of my picture.

00:42:40.199 --> 00:42:53.123
I grabbed that because that was our advertisement for the dental office but, I, remember where we were at, where my husband was at in that picture, and, yeah, we, we look picture perfect on there, you know but we were not.

00:42:53.163 --> 00:43:00.867
Yeah, and when you, when you understand that you're hiding all of that, right, which, again, no judgment, we all do that, but that's why I'm saying, like, let's shatter that.

00:43:00.867 --> 00:43:06.646
And you're in the same position, right Of like, no, I'm not going to be soft for everybody else so that you can remain comfortable.

00:43:06.646 --> 00:43:09.494
I'm not going to use different words other than the word suicide.

00:43:09.494 --> 00:43:10.606
This is what happened.

00:43:10.606 --> 00:43:12.481
This is what happened in my life.

00:43:12.481 --> 00:43:15.945
Right, this is what happened to my family, family and my kids, and you know why.

00:43:15.945 --> 00:43:25.771
Right, when you, especially when you explain the whole weight thing, you know, when I see this, this man in a business suit, and he's dragging a ball in a chain behind him, it just breaks my heart for him, it's like who said you had to do that?

00:43:25.771 --> 00:43:28.300
But as society, we did be strong.

00:43:28.300 --> 00:43:29.643
Keep it all together.

00:43:29.643 --> 00:43:31.990
For the family, I say, or not?

00:43:31.990 --> 00:43:36.581
Let's, let's try the other way, because we know what it looks like when all of the men are trying to keep it together.

00:43:36.581 --> 00:43:40.429
Right, which is to me, I think, school shootings right.

00:43:40.855 --> 00:43:43.523
You know all of that stuff where it just comes out in anger and rage.

00:43:43.523 --> 00:43:44.286
That's the break.

00:43:44.286 --> 00:43:50.440
For some men it's suicide, for some men it's these other things, but it's like yeah violence right Because that's what we've taught them to do.

00:43:50.835 --> 00:43:54.503
We haven't given them any tools, we haven't given them any outlets, outlets, right.

00:43:54.503 --> 00:43:59.666
And then we just expect that they carry all of this shit and you don't get to be the eight-year-old boy anymore now.

00:43:59.666 --> 00:44:09.559
You have all of these crappy responsibilities and shit on top of you know childhood trauma that you never were able to unpack, or encouraged to unpack, or any of that, and so I say let's unpack it all.

00:44:09.559 --> 00:44:12.775
You know I'll hold space for anybody that wants to unpack their shit.

00:44:12.775 --> 00:44:14.797
How, um when did you get into breathwork?

00:44:14.797 --> 00:44:16.521
I'm curious, because I find that so powerful.

00:44:16.701 --> 00:44:23.210
After I moved here in July 2022, I started my journey of healing.

00:44:23.210 --> 00:44:32.927
You know I invested a lot of money, a lot of time, because I knew I needed it, Because I said I can't live, continue living in fight and flight.

00:44:32.927 --> 00:44:34.541
I you know, then I'll get sick.

00:44:34.541 --> 00:44:50.302
And so after a year of doing breath work for myself or my own healing, I, I was just, I was in awe of how much I was able to process, so I said I need to learn more about it and I want to become a breath, breath work facilitator.

00:44:50.322 --> 00:45:00.289
I actually went and took um a course in Austin with uh, jaggers and Fitch they own Somatic IQ and, oh my gosh, it was such a profound.

00:45:00.289 --> 00:45:04.427
We were 52 students, oh wow, and all over the world.

00:45:04.427 --> 00:45:13.324
There were some people that flew in from Oman, panama, like all Mexico, and the diversity of the group was incredible.

00:45:13.324 --> 00:45:27.706
I met some that were doctors, some addicts you know past addicts, and this is what helped them cancer survivors and I mean everybody's story was so incredible as to why they wanted to become a breathwork facilitator.

00:45:28.614 --> 00:45:36.166
And as our last day, you know, we're now having to guide our own one-hour journey with somebody else we partner up.

00:45:36.166 --> 00:45:51.954
Oh my gosh, I felt this intense energy as I'm doing this for this person and she had a remarkable you know session and I said, okay, I'm supposed to be doing this and sharing this gift to others and that's how I got into it.

00:45:51.954 --> 00:45:56.483
And now I was doing, you know, virtual and one-on-one and really, really like that.

00:45:56.483 --> 00:46:01.960
But one of my favorite ones I did recently was for a group of dentists.

00:46:01.960 --> 00:46:24.985
Actually, we did it in Sedona and Dr Delphine had asked me to co-facilitate with her in Sedona and she's a fantastic Reiki energy healer and she talks about her own story as well, and so I felt honored and we went for a three-day and guided these dentists through back to their heart and oh gosh, it was so profound.

00:46:25.005 --> 00:46:38.021
we're still connecting now and so I do feel there's something an integration time that is really good to have as well afterwards to kind of process what just happened and the journaling.

00:46:38.021 --> 00:46:48.445
So I really, really love hosting, like co-facilitating with retreats, because I think there's so much I never come back the same myself when, I go to like a two, three day retreat, right?

00:46:49.054 --> 00:46:52.985
So it's fun to be part of that process for somebody else, right?

00:46:52.985 --> 00:46:55.523
And so that's how I got into it.

00:46:55.523 --> 00:46:58.581
And then also now I'm my mentor as well.

00:46:58.581 --> 00:47:12.130
A breathwork here is Jeremy Mudik, and so I took his course as well because he's got a different style, and so I just, yeah, I'm really passionate about breathwork and being able to give that.

00:47:12.715 --> 00:47:16.907
Yeah, it's amazing to me because I really believe that that is.

00:47:16.907 --> 00:47:27.864
I love all of the healing modalities that people explore, but for me breath work is the most powerful and I think just being able to realize that you don't have to do years and years of therapy for stuff.

00:47:27.864 --> 00:47:36.858
You know, I've watched it happen in my brother who we always used to joke when we were younger and until recently that we were dead inside, right because we didn't process our emotions.

00:47:36.858 --> 00:47:47.402
To watch him go through that, to watch my husband go through that, and I think each time that you do it it's always a different experience depending on kind of how you show up and there's all of the different things for that.

00:47:47.402 --> 00:47:50.731
But after a good breathwork session sometimes that feels like about a year of therapy.

00:47:50.793 --> 00:47:51.494
Yes, yes, you know.

00:47:51.534 --> 00:47:54.518
I've just talked like traditional talk therapy.

00:47:54.518 --> 00:48:06.418
So it's like, if you're interested to get down to business, finding a really intense or a powerful breathwork facilitator and there are all of those different kind of styles that people have, which I think is fascinating.

00:48:06.440 --> 00:48:06.943
Yes, like for me the style.00:48:06.943 --> 00:48:11.945


We definitely start the first 30 minutes where it's actually moving through the sympathetic nervous system.00:48:11.945 --> 00:48:18.628


I'm actually trying to activate that because every memory of your lifetime is stored, just like the book.00:48:18.628 --> 00:48:24.425


The body keeps the score right and so we're really trying to move through that, stress the body.00:48:24.425 --> 00:48:35.936


And so that's the first 30 minutes, and sometimes I even like to press, because a lot of it is stored in the gut, so just kind of slight pressure in there, because a lot of time though, there's a resistance, yes, you know.00:48:35.936 --> 00:48:42.958


And and then the last half is definitely reconnecting to the gratitude and allowing love back in.00:48:42.958 --> 00:48:57.079


So often we've our self-talk, that shame, critic is so negative to ourselves, and we just gotta allow more love in, and that's kind of what I try and bring that in more for the next half.00:48:57.079 --> 00:49:01.179


It's more the parasympathetic nervous system and a lot of it is.00:49:01.179 --> 00:49:09.106


Just when's the last time you've sat an hour and given yourself that space, that time to connect to your heart and get out of your ego, yeah.00:49:09.365 --> 00:49:10.449


You know Ego's the worst.00:49:10.574 --> 00:49:13.885


People don't realize you actually don't have to keep that on a steady diet.00:49:13.885 --> 00:49:15.199


You know what I mean.00:49:15.199 --> 00:49:16.820


You can kind of dig into other things.00:49:16.820 --> 00:49:17.141


Diet Like.00:49:17.141 --> 00:49:19.108


You know what I mean, you can kind of dig into other things.00:49:19.108 --> 00:49:23.155


It's not about that right being more.00:49:23.155 --> 00:49:24.298


You know, soul forward and letting your ego.00:49:24.298 --> 00:49:26.724


Be drug around instead of your ego, dragging your soul around, which is what 95% of us.00:49:26.764 --> 00:49:31.003


You know, do I just move so much more now in intuition and what feels right and guiding me?00:49:31.003 --> 00:49:35.039


You know, sometimes people are like, oh, did you get a PR after your book or anything?00:49:35.039 --> 00:49:44.576


And I was like I didn't, because I really wanted a natural flow of where the connection and it has it has been this organic flow and moving intuition and removing fear.00:49:44.576 --> 00:49:54.291


Yeah, Sometimes I'm like, oh, who am I, you know, to want a podcast now, to want this and write another book, but at the same time just relieve that fear, that self doubt.00:49:54.291 --> 00:50:02.400


I've already seen the impact of of my book in in, even if it just impacts one person, but I know it's impacted more than one, Of course.00:50:02.481 --> 00:50:02.661


Right.00:50:02.661 --> 00:50:07.422


But, like you said, when you come from that place where it's like, yes, is it scary and is it all of the things?00:50:07.422 --> 00:50:18.106


Yes, but you're doing the right thing, you're, you're being pulled and you're being called, and when you find that you impact, when I get a direct message from somebody, that it makes me sound like 100 when I say direct message or DM for you younger folks.00:50:18.166 --> 00:50:23.894


Jesus, so sorry, but when I get a DM from somebody, that's like you really impacted me right.00:50:23.894 --> 00:50:29.539


Or when I hear from a friend, or when I hear from somebody that I've known, you know previously, it's like you've changed things for me.00:50:29.539 --> 00:50:33.336


You've changed the game because I was able to get curious, and that's literally all I'm peddling.00:50:33.336 --> 00:50:37.403


You know is get curious about yourself, and that doesn't have to cost anything.00:50:37.403 --> 00:50:41.210


So it's like being able to do that is so incredibly powerful.00:50:41.210 --> 00:50:49.740


I want to read something back to you from your book that really stood out to me because I have this whole thing that I say fix your shit, different tactics.00:50:49.795 --> 00:50:56.000


You say it very much more eloquently than I do, but when I read it it was like that's exactly what she's saying.00:50:56.000 --> 00:51:01.266


But it says be the voice that no longer hides the truth behind silence and closed doors.00:51:01.266 --> 00:51:06.601


Be willing to look into the closet of your generations and do the work necessary to clean it up.00:51:06.601 --> 00:51:08.987


Right, equals, fix your shit.00:51:08.987 --> 00:51:19.860


Yeah, right, but it's like, how powerful is that to really go go in, figure out yourself, figure out knowing that, like, if you do that work, your life is going to be so much better, right?00:51:19.860 --> 00:51:22.250


Do you feel like you have to come from a place of numbing?00:51:22.250 --> 00:51:32.784


It's like, no, I've, you know it doesn't mean you're not still going to get triggered by things or whatever's going to come up, but when you really work through the bulk of that and whatever healing modality you choose, it's like life just gets so much better after that.00:51:32.784 --> 00:51:35.018


Well, now, when I do get, still get triggered After that point.00:51:35.038 --> 00:51:38.327


Well, now, when I do get, still get triggered, you're still going to, you know, forever grow.00:51:38.327 --> 00:51:41.222


I ask those questions like, oh, where did that come from?00:51:41.222 --> 00:51:43.378


Yes, as to why and when, I couldn't figure it out.00:51:43.378 --> 00:51:46.987


Actually, there was a few things I was like I couldn't figure it out, I couldn't pinpoint it.00:51:46.987 --> 00:51:51.896


So then, you know, I was like, okay, what kind of therapy will get me to really finding the root cause?00:51:51.896 --> 00:51:56.608


So intrigued by plant medicine and therapies, and whatnot.00:51:56.688 --> 00:52:05.969


So I found a fantastic trauma counselor here and she put me through a journey with plant medicine and you talk about a six hour session.00:52:05.969 --> 00:52:07.920


I pretty much did 10 years of therapy.00:52:08.362 --> 00:52:08.963


I believe it.00:52:08.963 --> 00:52:11.010


I believe it, it's savage.00:52:11.010 --> 00:52:14.284


But for people that are like I don't want to spend four years in therapy.00:52:14.847 --> 00:52:25.637


you don't have to know, and it took me back and in a lot of these things, that root cause actually was taking me back hundreds of years, like of generational patterns, and that's why it didn't make sense to me.00:52:25.637 --> 00:52:33.324


I couldn't remember them or even being, uh, in my mom's womb you're talking about where the eight-year-old was coming in.00:52:33.324 --> 00:52:34.449


Well, for me it was in the womb.00:52:34.449 --> 00:52:38.202


My mom got a really really bad car crash in a woman.00:52:38.202 --> 00:52:43.181


She I had, um, I had a twin, a brother, and he passed during that time.00:52:43.181 --> 00:53:01.856


So I saw that loss, so that's all the stuff that I saw and and so, from a very young age, never that safety and wanting to be a parent role was what I was born into, you know, and so that, so that one, you know, saying feeling so strong, that was safety for me.00:53:02.478 --> 00:53:16.289


I don't need anybody Cause you know uh, you know uh, when I was born, both my parents were not at a place where they were just a lot of trauma, you know, on both sides.00:53:16.289 --> 00:53:19.684


So then for me, I went into the parent role from birth.00:53:20.358 --> 00:53:23.733


For your parents right For my parents, which is crazy as a child to have to do that.00:53:23.733 --> 00:53:25.521


So I realized that through that.00:53:25.675 --> 00:53:26.699


But I didn't remember.00:53:26.699 --> 00:53:30.795


Actually, a lot of the times people will ask me oh, do you remember much in your childhood?00:53:30.795 --> 00:53:34.706


I actually had blocked off, probably five years old and under.00:53:34.706 --> 00:53:36.260


And now I know why.00:53:36.260 --> 00:53:45.675


Because of these modalities and therapies, you might be like oh, why am I on edge or why am I holding on that a little bit to that anxiety or anger?00:53:45.675 --> 00:53:55.940


Well, it came from that safe place and generational, so it was so profound to be able to work and understand these patterns.00:53:55.940 --> 00:53:59.940


So now I always ask okay, I got a little triggered, where is it coming from?00:53:59.940 --> 00:54:02.943


And have the tools right.00:54:02.943 --> 00:54:05.463


And I'm trying to teach that to my kids too.00:54:05.775 --> 00:54:18.648


Talk about my son, you know, teaching him to feel the emotion because he's definitely so hard on himself and perfectionism and that guilt and shame that comes with survivors of suicide is real.00:54:18.648 --> 00:54:22.286


Like my son was only six and he thought it's his fault.00:54:22.286 --> 00:54:26.699


He would say it's my fault, I didn't love dad enough, I didn't you know.00:54:26.699 --> 00:54:34.184


And I was like, oh my gosh, it was not your fault so much weight and for him drawing was a big thing.00:54:34.295 --> 00:54:36.824


He'd draw a lot, but he would hold a lot in.00:54:36.824 --> 00:54:38.420


So I've been teaching him.00:54:38.420 --> 00:54:40.576


No, let's feel it and he'd have.00:54:40.576 --> 00:54:41.659


There was the anger.00:54:41.659 --> 00:54:43.103


Yeah, there you know I'm.00:54:43.103 --> 00:54:54.519


I've talked very openly about his anger and but that's because he was storing so much and like, and also anger is a healthy emotion, but there's healthy ways to release it and express it.00:54:54.519 --> 00:54:57.565


So the tools I actually bought a drum.00:54:57.565 --> 00:55:04.045


So I said drum your drum when you're feeling mad, like, just drum it so hard, give it hell.00:55:04.146 --> 00:55:04.726


Absolutely.00:55:05.835 --> 00:55:06.295


Boxing.00:55:06.295 --> 00:55:09.905


I've got boxing too for him, but I said those are healthy ways.00:55:09.905 --> 00:55:18.447


It's okay, you know, but and and my daughter as well just be able to talk and express actually cold plunge is really healing, like water as well.00:55:18.447 --> 00:55:25.155


But trying to figure out what actually cold plunge is really healing like water as well, but trying to figure out what works for them, what are the tools for for them, and it's just trying it all.00:55:25.155 --> 00:55:26.581


You know, breath work too.00:55:26.581 --> 00:55:35.456


Actually, my son a couple weeks ago he had a this concert at school that he was part of and I could tell he was nervous up on the stage and all of a sudden I see him going.00:55:36.398 --> 00:55:40.867


Oh god, I'm so proud, close his eyes and I'm like, oh my gosh, I don't get prouder.00:55:40.867 --> 00:55:41.768


I don't get prouder.00:55:41.768 --> 00:55:44.123


That's what we should be teaching our kids, right.00:55:44.123 --> 00:55:48.726


It's like how are we not teaching our kids in school or otherwise, emotional intelligence?00:55:48.967 --> 00:55:50.641


I know I wish we could go into the schools.00:55:50.641 --> 00:56:06.831


I keep thinking maybe I need to create a program and bring it to school, because when my, when my kids went back to school after their dad passed because they had missed, I think, a couple of three weeks or something I was like they were not prepared for the emotions they were going to go through.00:56:06.831 --> 00:56:27.389


And so I brought this chart, because a friend of mine had given me a chart where emotional had a picture for each emotion and how to describe it and what tools to do and how do you feel afterwards, and they were just kind of like pictures, yeah, and so I thought, well, maybe I'll bring into each classroom they could start incorporating it.00:56:27.409 --> 00:56:30.697


Mateus was only in kindergarten, sophia was in second grade.00:56:30.697 --> 00:56:36.195


So I thought, well, why don't they have this already for these, these age groups?00:56:36.195 --> 00:56:39.824


Start naming it and how does it feel?00:56:39.824 --> 00:56:40.867


What are tools Like?00:56:40.867 --> 00:56:47.947


You know, the tools on the cards is like hug a stuffy or take deep breaths, drink a glass of water, draw.00:56:47.947 --> 00:56:52.266


You know there's different activities on there.00:56:52.266 --> 00:57:00.027


So at least it gives them the tools of what they can do, and I do feel that it needs to be integrated in kindergarten.00:57:00.938 --> 00:57:03.019


I agree with you and I think that that's how we fix stuff.00:57:03.019 --> 00:57:07.623


Right is to talk about okay, we know what it looks like to just keep passing it down and carry it.00:57:07.623 --> 00:57:08.586


We can watch that.00:57:08.586 --> 00:57:12.512


And people in their 40s, 50s, 60s go ahead and just take a look around.00:57:12.512 --> 00:57:16.659


Right, because most of us are numbing out with whatever our numb of choice is right.00:57:16.659 --> 00:57:18.521


And again, I'm not coming from a place of judging.00:57:18.521 --> 00:57:19.362


I've been in the trenches.00:57:19.362 --> 00:57:24.168


But when you realize life is so much better past that, it makes me want to right.00:57:24.188 --> 00:57:31.177


I have my 18-year-old son, who is the most intelligent and, you know, emotionally intelligent man that I've met, and to be able to have a hand in that.00:57:31.177 --> 00:57:43.351


But up until he was 10, it was same like just teaching people to push stuff down, thank god, you know, my life kind of had that whole change where it's like, oh, we're supposed to be using this like a compass, right, our emotions.00:57:43.351 --> 00:57:48.257


Oh, we're supposed to be leaning into that and processing things as they happen instead of pushing stuff down.00:57:48.257 --> 00:58:02.550


So when emotion comes up for him, or when he's feeling things, watching him process that in a healthy way, I'm like, yes, he's not going to be a man who's 40 that's dragging all this stuff around, not able to really plug into life and engage in a way that's meaningful.00:58:02.954 --> 00:58:07.844


And so he'll be able to find, you know, a significant other.00:58:07.844 --> 00:58:09.789


That is good for him.00:58:09.789 --> 00:58:13.606


He's at a good place, right, instead of both trauma.00:58:13.606 --> 00:58:16.434


Right, exactly because you and your husband right you're broken, he's broken.00:58:16.434 --> 00:58:18.081


We both need each other, right.00:58:19.023 --> 00:58:20.112


And then what does that look like?00:58:20.112 --> 00:58:24.505


Right, we can watch it in every household in America, because most people have not.00:58:24.505 --> 00:58:25.407


I think about that.00:58:25.407 --> 00:58:29.496


I was thinking about that this morning from this standpoint of dating or finding a mate.00:58:29.496 --> 00:58:37.262


When you're at this place where, okay, you've maybe done the work to kind of heal that, and for me it's like if you haven't addressed your childhood, I'm out.00:58:37.262 --> 00:58:40.603


That was like manifesting the man.00:58:40.784 --> 00:58:47.168


It was like oh, emotional intelligence and communication, and have done the work, because we all have trauma.00:58:47.168 --> 00:58:50.809


I love that you had mentioned earlier is that sometimes we compare ourselves.00:58:50.809 --> 00:58:53.371


Well, I wasn't abused, I wasn't this, so my trauma is not a bad.00:58:53.371 --> 00:58:56.932


No, your body will react the same, so still work on it.00:59:02.442 --> 00:59:12.157


Yes, you know, there's no judgment you know, everyone processes differently, but I really didn't date for at least two years post my husband, cause I knew I'm like, oh, I'm not.00:59:12.157 --> 00:59:26.684


I knew I didn't want to attract the wrong person and I wanted to be um at a good place, so then I could attract a healthy, emotional man and um and and it works.00:59:26.684 --> 00:59:28.369


So, yeah, I love it.00:59:28.489 --> 00:59:30.614


I love it well, melissa.00:59:30.614 --> 00:59:32.922


Thank you so much for coming and spending time with me today.00:59:32.922 --> 00:59:33.967


I really appreciate it.00:59:33.967 --> 00:59:38.842


Melissa's book is called the truth behind the smiles and highly recommend.00:59:38.842 --> 00:59:44.001


Very insightful of just kind of the struggles that she went through with her.00:59:44.001 --> 00:59:51.835


You know, big event Unfortunately that happens but able to kind of work through that and make your mess be your message and I love that.00:59:51.916 --> 00:59:56.025


So, to wrap up, that's our time.00:59:56.025 --> 01:00:00.003


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