The Mother Wound: Healing From Loss

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I'd love to help you get vulnerable.

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Let's get naked.

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Hey everyone, I'm Ann.

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Welcome to the let's Get Naked podcast, where we dive deep into vulnerability.

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In this space, we'll explore what triggers us, uncover the patterns holding us back and discover how to take charge of our own growth.

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If you're ready to dig in, be vulnerable and face the tough stuff, then buckle up.

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It's time to get naked.

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Today, our guest has inspired me to open up Pandora's box on something that if you had asked me a few years ago, I would have told you I would never be ready to tackle.

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But those who know me, they know that I take my own advice.

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So let's fix our shit.

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Let's talk about our moms and the lasting damage this complex relationship causes.

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I'm going to warn everybody this is going to be a tough one for me today, and that's okay.

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Mother wounds are one of those deep, often unspoken scars that shape who we are, without us even realizing it.

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They don't always look the same for everyone.

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They don't always come from the textbook abusive or neglectful mothers.

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Sometimes the wound is created by a mother who is emotionally unavailable, overly critical or just simply trying to survive herself and unintentionally passes on her pain.

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It can come from a mother who couldn't see or understand you for who you were because she was too consumed with her own struggles, or from a mother who, in her attempt to protect you, smothered you in such a way that you lost your sense of self.

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The damage can happen when a mother withholds affection or praise, or maybe she was overly controlling and never let you feel like you could make a decision on your own.

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It can come from the loss of a mother at an early age.

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It's subtle in some cases and obvious in others, but regardless of how it manifests, the wound is real and it hurts.

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Mother wounds don't just affect childhood.

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They linger, they grow with you.

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They can show up in how you handle relationships, your own parenting, your self-worth and your mental and emotional health.

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For years you might not even be aware that the reason that you can't seem to set healthy boundaries or why you always feel like you're never enough, is because of those deeply ingrained patterns that you unknowingly learned from her.

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And let's be clear no one is perfect.

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Mothers are human and sometimes they wound us without intent, simply because they were wounded themselves.

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But just because a mother may have been flawed or struggling doesn't mean we should ignore the effects of those wounds.

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The impact of mother wounds can range from deep insecurities, fear of abandonment, fear of failure, trust issues, codependency or the chronic need for validation, to name just a few.

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The reality is, many of us are walking around with these scars and yet we don't even acknowledge the source or the depth of the pain.

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Healing these wounds is absolutely necessary for us to be our healthiest, most authentic selves.

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You can't move forward in life if you keep carrying the baggage of someone else's hurtful behaviors.

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You can't keep repeating the same patterns that you didn't even choose.

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But those patterns were ingrained in you and until you heal, you're bound to pass them along.

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Healing these wounds isn't easy.

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It's often painful.

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It takes a willingness to confront the feelings we might have buried for years.

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It takes self-compassion, patience and sometimes a lot of therapy.

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It involves learning to mother yourself, to give yourself the love and nurturing you might not have received when you were younger.

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To heal these wounds is to reclaim your power.

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It's to free yourself from the belief that you're broken or not enough.

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It's about not letting someone else's inability to give you what you needed define your entire future.

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It's about looking at the woman who raised you, acknowledging her limitations and her own wounds and then finding the courage to let go of the things she wasn't able to give you.

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It's about learning to be whole not perfect and stepping into your own power.

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Healing your mother wounds is one of the most important things you can do in this lifetime.

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Don't avoid it, don't pretend it's not there.

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Don't let your past determine your future.

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Do the work, confront the hurt and rise above.

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You deserve to be the best, healthiest version of yourself, and you can't get there without acknowledging the impact of those wounds and taking the steps to heal them.

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Today, we're stripping it off with Hanifa.

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I met Hanifa recently at one of Mel June's amazing and powerful women's supper clubs dinners and I'm super happy to have you.

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Welcome, hanifa.

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Thank you for having me Absolutely absolutely to have you.

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Welcome, hanifa.

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Thank you for having me, absolutely absolutely.

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So I would love for you to just start by maybe giving a little bit of a background on kind of a little bit of your story or, you know, just kind of an overview of your childhood.

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I think we've talked about previously that your childhood is where all of the ingredients come from for your recipe and that's what's fascinating and kind of we can break it down from there, so maybe you can tell us a little bit about that sure, um.

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So I was born in Uganda, which is eastern Africa, um, and from what I remember, I had an amazing childhood, um, and that all kind of changed when I was five years old, when my mother passed away and I was sick, so I had to move to the States for, you know, just better health care, and I left my two sisters behind.

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Like my dad was traveling between Africa and here, so I lived with like my aunt and uncle and, um, yeah, everything just kind of went from like okay, like I have like a happy family, to just like I'm in a new country with like people I don't necessarily know, um, and that's how I got here, um, that's pretty pretty wild to think about, at five years old, that that would be yeah.

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May I ask how your mother passed?

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Yeah.

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So, um, I don't really know the details because my family doesn't really ever talk about it.

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I have a typical, like African family who just kind of are like they're very professional and just never talk about emotions ever.

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But from what I know, she had, um an immune issue, that um, and she was actually approved for her visa to come here and she passed away like a month before we were both scheduled to come to the states.

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So it was very it was it was unexpected, um, even though, like we knew she was sick, we just weren't expecting her to pass like right before you have two sisters, you said yeah, so I have, um, one biological sister and then I have a step sister, but, um, my two, um older sisters also passed away when I was younger.

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So, yeah, yeah, yeah.

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So there's been a lot of loss I've gone through in my life.

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Um, yeah, like one of my sisters like I remember it clearly, even though I was so young um, we were at recess and we're just playing like ring around the rosies and she had asthma and she fell and had an asthma attack and like I don't remember like feeling any emotion about it at the time, just because I was just like I don't know what happened, like one day she's here and one day she's not.

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And then my other sister just got like really, really sick.

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I think she had pneumonia.

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My dad like took her to the hospital like overnight and like the next morning he had.

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I was like oh, where's you know where's my sister, and he was like, oh, she passed away.

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And that was kind of the last time we ever spoke about her.

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I'm speechless.

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It takes a lot to make me speechless.

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How old were you when that, when those things, when, when those occurrences happened?

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um, probably like three, from what I remember.

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I was like really, really young and they, okay, they were older than you.

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How old were they?

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um, they were like a couple years older than me, so I was the youngest Wow.

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Yeah, are you still close with your dad?

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He's in the United States now.

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Okay.

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Yeah, I talk to him every single day.

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He gets sick of me sometimes.

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Well, that's okay, that's okay.

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But you have the family that doesn't speak about anything either.

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Yeah, and I mean my dad still doesn't really talk about things.

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He's gone through a lot and I think I've pushed him to talk about things so he's improved tremendously.

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Like, I give him all the credit, but it's still really tough for him.

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I can't even imagine, yeah, the loss of a child is.

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I just can't even get my head around that.

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And then for you to have lost two of your sisters and your mom on top of that, yeah.

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And then, when you came to the States, you lived with an aunt, yeah, an uncle.

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Yeah, did you know them prior to coming here.

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I didn't think I did, but I guess, like I like went to their house for like a sleepover with like my cousins when I was little, so but when I came here I didn't know them.

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Yeah, but it's my dad's brother and his wife.

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Did your dad stay with them as well?

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He was back and forth, and so it was just you that was staying there.

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Yeah, I, he stayed for a little bit but then he, you know, had to travel back home to Uganda to like kind of take care of the rest of the family, because he had left my older sister there and he was just kind of scrambling to figure out, like, which country to be in.

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And yeah, there was a lot of back and forth, um traveling, and like years without seeing him sometimes wow, that's incredible to me.

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Are you close with your sisters still?

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that's excellent.

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Yeah, tell me about kind of your process with that.

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That's a big life event to unpack.

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Yeah.

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I'm assuming you obviously are aware of how that has affected your entire life as a child, as a woman, as all of the things.

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What does that look like, to be able to kind of unpack that and heal yourself from that?

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yeah, so overall, like years and years of therapy to be honest with you, no, absolutely um, and I've always like when I was younger, I used to be like a very like lively child.

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Um, I just like I got everything I wanted, kind of because I was the youngest, but then also like I was very sick so my parents would just give me everything because they truly didn't know if I would like live long enough.

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So, like um, it just like, basically like when I came to the states, I was just I became like very quiet and withdrawn and just like didn't want to bother anyone with anything and like I didn't know it for probably like two decades.

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That um, that was just like the trauma of everything I had gone through in such a short period of time.

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So I just kind of like kept myself a lot really quiet, um, until I think I think it was my elementary school teacher who was like you know, she should probably like see someone like she seems like she's a good kid, but she's very, very quiet.

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And that's when I started therapy and I was just like, oh, this is just showed up that I was like huh, maybe I should address that and like maybe like dig into why I feel the way I feel and why I'm sad.

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I was just kind of like this is who I am, like it's fine, but it was all just like me packing down my emotions over the years.

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Yeah, yeah.

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Did you have a point where you came to where it was like for me?

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I did the same thing, right, I pushed everything down.

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It's fine, I'm fine, everything's fine Until it wasn't.

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You know, did you have something similar where you kind of realized like I really need to deal with this, or was it?

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just kind of more of an ongoing process for you.

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Yeah, it was probably like junior year of college where I was just like really stressed out about school, just like my relationship with my father wasn't the best at that time, just because I was frustrated that he wouldn't talk about anything ever and I just became like really depressed and anxious and like it just it took me, like self-admitting myself, to like a mental hospital.

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It wasn't for a long period of time, only like a week, sure, but then you know, that's when they were like oh, you might be like depressed and, you know, offered medications.

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I don't, I'm not a medicine person, so I was like no, I just need to like really dig into this through therapy yeah, is that when you really started doing therapy kind?

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of more heavily and and unpacking that yeah, yeah, definitely.

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just because it it was like a few like dark um years, I was just like really really depressed and like borderline suicidal and I just couldn't figure out why.

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Who was your support during that time?

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Or did you feel like you were by yourself?

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Right, If you?

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Have family that doesn't want to talk about things, right, I think about that with any topic, when you have families that aren't really interested in being the warriors of, like, let's unpack the emotions, let's unpack things, you kind of feel like you're on an island by yourself which is also isolating and scary right who was there for you during that time, or what do you remember as far?

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as your tools that you used that's probably like the lonely loneliest I've ever felt, ever and like I've always talked to my friends about my feelings but I wouldn't say that I had like one person that I went to, which made it even tougher.

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Yeah, yeah.

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When you're feeling so depressed and suicidal and like just hopeless, that's a that's a really terrible place to be.

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Yeah.

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Okay, so you started going through therapy and unpacking all of the things Okay so you started going through therapy and unpacking all of the things.

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What does that look like?

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As far as just, I feel like a lot of the things that happen, like that or other traumatic losses that you have a lot of grief to unpack with.

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I think we go through a lot of like.

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This isn't fair right.

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Why did I get dealt this hand?

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Right, exactly Right.

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Yeah, that's exactly what it felt like.

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It just like felt like okay, like some people like lose their mother, you know, but it's like it just felt like one thing after the other where it was like, okay, I have these health issues I have to deal with, I have the loss of my mom, I have like your everyday like mid, mid-teen, mid-20s, like life issues where it was just like overwhelming and I felt like, okay, I'm the only one who like goes through these issues.

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But then I started reading certain books, like the subtle art of not giving up.

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Yes, yes, really good one, yeah, I love that one um, and then the obstacle is the way and the body keeps score.

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That's a great one, yes, yeah.

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So just like just a lot of reading and just like, okay, yeah, this is not the best hand, like I've.

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Definitely I give myself credit for like being where I am today, yes, but also those comfort and like, okay, other people have gone through similar things and I can use their stories as inspiration right, that's what drives the podcast, because I think we do get into these isolating places where it's oh, my god, you know what is this hand that I'm playing right now?

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you know, and it does it seems like this is so tough and this is so unfair because you're, like you said, you're trying to navigate your mid 20s and early 20s, and what does that look like?

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on top of processing all of this loss so that you're not dragging that around like a wrecking ball, right, you know, for our listeners I was.

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I was telling Hanifa before we started that she inspired me to really kind of have this conversation.

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Hanifa has a big story and so there's lots of different components that we could have talked about, but the mother wound being something that I think is so important, and I had said in the beginning, this is something that I never really felt like I was going to navigate.

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And when I was reading your questionnaire and your answers to things and I and it just felt so selfish of me to not be willing to unpack mine when you didn't even have your mom since you were five, you know, I look at some of the stuff that I had with my mom and it's like, okay, I was dealt that or that.

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And again, if you really show someone grace and know that she just did the best that she could, she was just bringing in her pain and her hurt and her trauma that she hadn't processed right and passing that down, which I've then in turn passed down to my daughters, which is terrible, right.

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So I'm trying I'm in this middle place of trying to heal that in myself as well.

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As if you come from a family that doesn't really speak about emotions or other things, you know, and also you can't force other people to heal, right, you know that's on their time or if that's something that they choose.

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But I just felt in reading that that like how could I not be willing to talk about that or look at that?

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Right.

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Because you didn't have that.

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So you obviously have a different mother wound, right from her not being around.

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Mine, you know, stems from different things, but I just don't think I realized how much of the hurt and the pain and the trauma comes from our mom, or lack thereof, or maybe someone that filled a mom role for you, right?

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You know, you mentioned something about, you know, having being in a place where, yes, it was your aunt and your uncle, but you didn't know them.

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You know, I can't even imagine at five, like, okay, here you go.

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Now these people are going to take care of you.

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You know, did they have kids as well?

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What did that look like growing up?

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Yeah, so they had four kids, so all boys, which was, yeah, I went from being you know.

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People ask me like are you the youngest or are you the oldest?

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And it's like I'm kind of both, like I went from being the youngest, you know, out of all girls to being the oldest out of all boys.

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So, like I just to this day like they're still my brothers, like I talk to them and care about them like they're my brothers.

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But I think, similarly, like my aunt kind of had her own issues and you know I had mentioned that they weren't necessarily thrilled to have me there, sure, just because I don't think they were expecting that I would live with them and they would be caring for this sick child.

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So in a way, yeah, I see the things they were going through, but like it wasn't.

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I didn't have the best relationship with her really until probably like when I was 28, and she apologized for how she treated me and just like you know, you have to know that someone's trying their best, like you said, but at the same time, like it just it left me with like a lot of like lack of self-confidence.

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Yes, and that's why I realized, like that's why I never spoke up, because, like, if I was sad, it was just like oh, stop being sad.

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You know it was never like oh, why are you sad?

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And the one time I did say like really like sad about like losing my mom, it was just kind of like dismissed.

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So yeah, it's like.

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So there's someone that filled the role, but it wasn't the best person, right?

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Well, and, like you said, like how incredible that is that she was able to apologize to you and take accountability for that.

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But when you look at that in that you know the mother role of they're just doing the best that they can.

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I try to explain that to my daughters because I'm trying to at this point kind of bridge this gap during my healing journey of I want them to be able to heal mostly from the trauma that I caused because I didn't know better.

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If we know better we can do better.

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if we know better, we can do better.

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But being able to just show my mom grace right to her and in myself, in just my dealings and my thoughts and how I'm processing anything that she kind of brought to the table.

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Just being able to show her grace that she was just doing the best that she could is pretty powerful stuff, and so for your aunt to be able to apologize to you, that has to be a huge feeling of awesomeness to be able to just have that.

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Yeah, it was, but it was still like.

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You know you can go through all these things, but to like treat a child that way, you know you still have to kind of give yourself grace and you know you can understand.

00:21:30.316 --> 00:22:05.592
But also, like, your points are still valid too no doubt, no doubt, it doesn't take away the pain that happened during that time right, it doesn't like okay, now we're just going to brush this under the rug because you apologized, it's still all there right um, tell me about your kind of your healing journey in general, just for um kind of where you are in that you know, I think I think for those of us kind of on this path of being willing to unpack and look at the things that are not great you know, I look at some of the stuff and now I'm getting more intimately familiar with where did that come from?

00:22:05.652 --> 00:22:06.755
why do I feel that way?

00:22:06.755 --> 00:22:09.701
For me, I'm a very visual person and I really want to know.

00:22:09.701 --> 00:22:10.366
Why do I feel that way?

00:22:10.366 --> 00:22:11.035
You know, and I I'm a very visual person and I really want to know.

00:22:11.035 --> 00:22:11.511
Why do I feel that way?

00:22:11.511 --> 00:22:24.614
You know, and I had had some, some really big struggles with trying to figure out some of the, some of the validation things that I felt like I needed, you know, and it when I was a child I didn't get praise for things.

00:22:24.614 --> 00:22:42.074
I didn't have my parents tell me that they were proud of me, and I and I have gone back since, in more recent years, just in the last couple of years, and just had that conversation about do you guys remember telling me that you were proud of me, and my mom said to me no, we didn't, because we didn't want to give you a big head Like didn't.

00:22:42.134 --> 00:22:44.278
And I'm thinking it's terrible.

00:22:44.278 --> 00:22:46.022
Again, not on.

00:22:46.022 --> 00:22:47.290
She's just doing the best that she can.

00:22:47.290 --> 00:22:49.573
But I look at that for a child in the same way of like as she's just doing the best that she can.

00:22:49.573 --> 00:23:01.484
But I look at that for a child in the same way of like as a child not hearing from your parents, who really that's who you're wanting validation from Like look what I did, look what I did, and for them to not really acknowledge that or to make you feel that they're proud of you.

00:23:01.484 --> 00:23:03.007
It makes perfect sense.

00:23:03.007 --> 00:23:08.877
So when I listen to that, it makes perfect sense to hear that for how that affected me.

00:23:08.877 --> 00:23:22.308
But it also makes perfect sense to explain some of the things about my mom and kind of her upbringing and that that was something that wasn't offered to her either by her parents, um, and that she thought that she was doing the right thing by doing that.

00:23:22.349 --> 00:23:45.080
Right, we're just passing down all of this trauma, right, which is outrageous to me right um, but you know, during your along your healing journey for things, what are some of the things that you've found that kind of came from, you know, not having your mom around or having your aunt kind of be this fill in, that really wasn't all that invested in really loving on you and helping you heal from this traumatic thing that happened.

00:23:45.201 --> 00:23:48.836
Yeah, honestly, now that you say that it's like, did we have the same childhood?

00:23:48.836 --> 00:23:51.826
It's true, though, right, it's crazy.

00:23:52.530 --> 00:23:58.618
It is, and it's crazy because it's like you know, we talk about this mother wound and we talk about okay, my mom was there the whole time.

00:23:58.618 --> 00:24:12.564
But my mom was someone that I did not get along well with from early on, right, she just had very different views on things that went against everything that I believed in my, in my core.

00:24:12.564 --> 00:24:20.621
Nothing wrong with that, but as a child it felt very confusing to me because it was like, well, this is what I feel like and this is what you're trying to push on me and that doesn't feel right.

00:24:21.109 --> 00:24:29.615
But then when you look at all of these things where you don't feel good enough, like you're, you know, like you're enough, you don't feel like the validation component of it.

00:24:29.615 --> 00:24:43.260
You don't feel, and for me I'm finding that as a common thread between women, as we're talking about stuff Right, and this mother wound for me is a new concept that again just hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday.

00:24:43.260 --> 00:24:46.491
So welcome to the shit show, because I'm like, oh my God, are we unpacking this on today's episode?

00:24:46.893 --> 00:24:47.773
But I guess we are.

00:24:47.894 --> 00:24:59.614
So, but I want to because for me, you know, part of what was in my intro was talking about if you don't heal from that, you're not going to be able to be in your most authentic power.

00:24:59.773 --> 00:25:11.585
And that's the mission that I'm on, and being able to do that for myself, for my daughters, for my mother, for my friends, for people that I come across, and so it makes me eager to do the work, even though I'm like, oh my God, I don't want to.

00:25:11.585 --> 00:25:15.436
But what are the things that you said Like, did we have the same childhood?

00:25:15.436 --> 00:25:16.776
What resonated with you in that?

00:25:16.776 --> 00:25:17.673
Or what do you feel like?

00:25:17.673 --> 00:25:19.439
Was issues that you had to deal with.

00:25:19.769 --> 00:25:20.071
Yeah.

00:25:20.071 --> 00:25:39.990
So it's like I went from being a child to being an adult like very, very, very quickly and like at home, growing up, like I would do the chores, like I would help take care of the kids, like I would basically be a second mother, and it just never felt like I had a childhood.

00:25:39.990 --> 00:26:07.978
And even though I was doing well in school, like excelling and, you know, helping out at home, it's just I never got a thank you, ever and like ever so, and it just it left me with this feeling of like not feeling like I'm good enough, or maybe like I'm always doing something wrong, which has manifested into, like, my relationships, my professional life, like my relationship with other people.

00:26:07.978 --> 00:26:09.201
For the longest time.

00:26:09.201 --> 00:26:11.252
I just felt like I was never good enough.

00:26:11.252 --> 00:26:12.796
No, how hard I tried.

00:26:14.338 --> 00:26:22.553
So that's still something I'm working on, yeah yeah, because it's not just like oh, I realize that now I'm going to throw that out it's like right those things are deep-rooted.

00:26:22.553 --> 00:26:36.965
I mean they really if you picture roots that just go into all the areas of your life those are kind of wounds that really spider into everything, which is terrible to try to then bring out because it comes up in the most inopportune times.

00:26:36.965 --> 00:26:40.536
I find right when something hits me like a ton of bricks, where I'm like where the hell?

00:26:40.556 --> 00:26:41.920
did that come from.

00:26:41.920 --> 00:26:42.801
You know, and for me.

00:26:42.910 --> 00:26:49.491
I've made this commitment to stay open, which means for me, when emotions come up, I'm going to feel them.

00:26:49.732 --> 00:27:03.753
You know, I don't know how what your relationship with your emotions has been, but mine has been a later in life thing where it hit me like a ton of bricks eight years ago where I decided it was time to kind of unpack that I had a life event that changed things for me.

00:27:03.753 --> 00:27:10.454
I also lost a sister, but that really sent me over the edge with my drinking and all of the things that happened.

00:27:10.454 --> 00:27:15.624
And so for me I had to start having a relationship with my emotions instead of just pushing them down.

00:27:15.784 --> 00:27:23.080
Exactly, and I hate it and I love it, and so it's one of the things where it's like this is the best, worst thing ever.

00:27:23.080 --> 00:27:23.702
Right.

00:27:24.090 --> 00:27:32.593
Because you do start unpacking some of those things where it does manifest into other ways, and for me, I want to be the best version of myself that I can.

00:27:32.593 --> 00:27:39.133
And I can't do that if I'm dragging this whole wrecking ball of unprocessed emotions around behind me.

00:27:39.413 --> 00:27:39.714
Right.

00:27:40.154 --> 00:27:41.919
And a lot of that does stem from my mom.

00:27:42.200 --> 00:27:43.742
Yeah, exactly so.

00:27:43.742 --> 00:28:05.290
Like I think for me that was therapy and I hated my therapist when I initially I was like you know, she would just ask me questions that just seemed like they came out of left field, like I like, and looking back it was just like my defense mechanism like, oh, I don't want to talk about that, we're not.

00:28:05.290 --> 00:28:08.499
You know, that's in the way back right part of my memory.

00:28:08.598 --> 00:28:10.330
Like what, why are you even bringing it up?

00:28:10.330 --> 00:28:10.652
And I was.

00:28:10.652 --> 00:28:15.691
I would almost get angry at her for asking these things, but then she would say you know just why?

00:28:15.691 --> 00:28:16.673
Don't you just sit with that?

00:28:16.673 --> 00:28:18.836
You don't have to answer me now, just sit with it.

00:28:19.839 --> 00:28:37.998
And um, I would literally sit with it for a week until our next appointment, if I didn't cancel to avoid talking about it, and it just took a lot of reflecting, um, also in my mid-20s, just sitting down and thinking like okay, why do I feel like this?

00:28:37.998 --> 00:28:55.537
Like stiff pit in my stomach of, like I don't even know how to describe it like it just felt like I was always uncomfortable, like always like unhappy, and or it would just be like in a relationship like why did I, you know, react that way?

00:28:55.537 --> 00:28:57.141
Why did I not speak up for myself?

00:28:57.141 --> 00:29:06.103
Or you know, just like trying literally sitting down and thinking like why do I feel this way, instead of just like pushing it off?

00:29:06.103 --> 00:29:22.212
Um, so it really like was probably in my relationship where I'm like huh, like okay, I'm always willing to like be a good person to this person and like do everything, but I don't necessarily like feel respected.

00:29:22.212 --> 00:29:32.623
Why is that and it literally took just me sitting down and like over a year I meant to break up with this person but like it literally took that long for me to figure that out.

00:29:33.250 --> 00:29:36.240
And then, after that point, like everything almost changed.

00:29:36.240 --> 00:29:43.000
I was like, oh, I'm like I'm actually happier now that I've addressed that feeling and I know where it's coming from now, right.

00:29:43.000 --> 00:29:54.295
And I just kind of started doing that with everything, like with my career, my relationship with my dad, um, my relationship with my friends, and just kind of like asking.

00:29:54.295 --> 00:29:57.727
I used to ask like, oh, is this person, am I good enough for this person?

00:29:57.727 --> 00:30:00.554
But I started asking like is this person good enough for me?

00:30:00.634 --> 00:30:06.394
yes, yes, that's a huge perspective shift yeah and I think, so many people.

00:30:06.394 --> 00:30:15.737
If you actually really get curious about which way they see things because I was talking with someone else a couple of days ago that was doing the same thing it was am I good enough for this person?

00:30:15.737 --> 00:30:18.449
It's like why would that be the way that you came from?

00:30:18.449 --> 00:30:21.037
And I'm not coming at you in judgment because I did the same thing to you.

00:30:21.057 --> 00:30:28.955
You know it was like we all do that, but it's like when you, when you say it out loud or when you talk about it, it's like, well, well, of course you should be asking if that person is good enough for you.

00:30:29.036 --> 00:30:29.675
But when you?

00:30:29.715 --> 00:30:32.378
have this trauma, this unhealed trauma that you're dragging around.

00:30:32.378 --> 00:30:42.106
You come from this other place and you do manifest this into relationships that aren't healthy for you, that your body is telling you this isn't right, this isn't right, this isn't right but we'll stay in.

00:30:42.106 --> 00:30:48.515
You had a year of your life of just this doesn't feel right.

00:30:48.515 --> 00:30:49.178
This is why you have the anxiety.

00:30:49.178 --> 00:30:57.800
This is why you have the pit in your stomach, but you're not at a place where you can speak your truth and really kind of take care of Hanifa, which is the only person on this planet that you've been given to take care of.

00:30:58.351 --> 00:31:00.798
We always consider other people's feelings first of like.

00:31:00.798 --> 00:31:04.616
Well, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do that, and instead we disappoint ourselves.

00:31:04.616 --> 00:31:13.280
And to me, I understand the other side of that coin now and I I understand the other side of that coin now and I just want to tell everybody like no we're not supposed to do this.

00:31:13.701 --> 00:31:16.786
People pleasing, like staying in something that doesn't feel right.

00:31:16.786 --> 00:31:22.092
Sit with it, listen.

00:31:22.092 --> 00:31:22.615
Listen to your body.

00:31:22.615 --> 00:31:26.412
You know we've gotten so far away from sitting with it when you say that I'm so proud of you for doing that work because sitting with it is not comfortable.

00:31:26.593 --> 00:31:27.455
No, it's not.

00:31:27.477 --> 00:31:31.731
It's not, it's like, yeah, again the worst, best thing that you could possibly do.

00:31:31.731 --> 00:31:37.519
But when you realize that the awesome sauce lives on the other side of doing that work for me, it's like all right, we're sitting.

00:31:37.519 --> 00:31:46.873
Well, now we're talking about my mom today you know, and I dive into it because I I don't want those things that hold me back because I wasn't willing to do the work.

00:31:46.993 --> 00:31:48.496
Now I understand what the work is.

00:31:48.895 --> 00:31:56.791
Now I understand that when my body speaks, and listen right, I can hear it at a whisper Now, I don't have to sit with it to see what it's trying to tell me.

00:31:56.791 --> 00:32:00.521
I know instantly what it's trying to tell me and I react because I know that.

00:32:00.521 --> 00:32:16.189
Like you said, when you were able to speak your truth, when you were able to change that perspective, when you were able to say not is this person or am I good enough for this person, but is this person or am I good enough for this person, but is this person good enough for me, and make your decisions accordingly how much better you feel in your body, right like.

00:32:16.209 --> 00:32:17.853
Didn't that open everything up for you as?

00:32:17.893 --> 00:32:26.077
far as a hundred percent, yeah, and it almost like felt like I was going back to like that little girl I used to be before everything happened.

00:32:26.077 --> 00:32:29.353
So it's, it was the best thing ever.

00:32:29.574 --> 00:32:45.294
I'm so happy you said that because I feel the exact same right I have some stuff that happened in my life that I I call it like the innocence of of Ann right you lost your innocence when you started losing sisters and your mom and like that's to me, that's an early age to lose your innocence.

00:32:45.294 --> 00:32:54.656
But when you can go back to that from this age and and like heal, some of that damage, heal some of that be there for that three or five year old Hanifa.

00:32:54.676 --> 00:32:56.401
That really had such a huge loss.

00:32:56.401 --> 00:33:12.233
That left a gaping hole in your life, right, but when you're able to heal that and go forward with your work, I think that's powerful stuff you know, and for people to realize you're sitting here saying like I was not happy obviously before I was able, happy obviously before I was able to make that perspective shift.

00:33:12.896 --> 00:33:19.984
I was able to do that and, yes, it was work, but now I feel more in tune with myself and I don't have all of these things that kind of go into that.

00:33:19.984 --> 00:33:27.593
Yeah, the other thing that I hear you say is you know, when you did that first thing, it makes the second thing easier and the next thing easier, right?

00:33:27.593 --> 00:33:29.057
Because then you have have some data points.

00:33:29.057 --> 00:33:33.445
I call those data points where you're like, okay, I did that and I feel, so much better.

00:33:33.967 --> 00:33:38.397
You don't have to necessarily listen into that brain that's telling you like you're not enough or is right.

00:33:38.397 --> 00:33:38.838
That's a.

00:33:38.838 --> 00:33:46.894
That's a not a good tool when we let our minds get completely out of control and I believe that the majority of people have let their minds run amok.

00:33:46.894 --> 00:33:56.490
No, no judging, because I was in the same place where it was like why can I?

00:33:56.510 --> 00:33:58.077
not get this thing to shut up, where it would tell me you're not good enough.

00:33:58.077 --> 00:33:59.202
You're all of those nasty, horrible things it's like.

00:33:59.202 --> 00:34:01.612
Why would I do that you wouldn't allow someone else to talk to you?

00:34:01.612 --> 00:34:01.833
That?

00:34:01.853 --> 00:34:02.816
way Exactly Right.

00:34:02.816 --> 00:34:03.257
So why?

00:34:03.277 --> 00:34:05.692
in the world would you let that girl live rent free?

00:34:05.952 --> 00:34:06.354
in your head.

00:34:06.354 --> 00:34:09.581
Yeah, and I think something that really helped me was a quote.

00:34:09.581 --> 00:34:12.914
That's like you know, would you talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself?

00:34:12.914 --> 00:34:26.242
And that really just changed everything for me, because you know I would do, I would make like a minor mistake and be like, oh my god, you're so dumb and like, well, it's like I would never say that to one of my best friends ever like you tried your best, you know.

00:34:26.242 --> 00:34:30.621
And I began talking to myself like that and I felt like a crazy person.

00:34:34.389 --> 00:34:35.534
I'm so glad you said that, because I'm the same way.

00:34:35.554 --> 00:34:37.503
I was like I literally feel like a lunatic because I'm like it's okay and that was okay.

00:34:37.523 --> 00:34:44.710
But we are, we're the hardest people in ourselves and when you can actually change the narrative of how you speak to yourself, because words have weight.

00:34:44.710 --> 00:34:45.150
Right.

00:34:45.150 --> 00:34:57.862
Thoughts have weight, and so if you're constantly doing that to yourself, instead of saying you've got this, we can get through this you know, speaking positive to yourself and showing yourself grace for all of the different things that you've made it through.

00:34:57.862 --> 00:34:59.530
It's a powerful shift.

00:34:59.530 --> 00:35:00.170
It is.

00:35:00.472 --> 00:35:07.733
Yes, it makes me want to scream it from the rooftops because I want other people to know you can have the other side of that.

00:35:07.914 --> 00:35:08.235
Right.

00:35:08.614 --> 00:35:10.597
And it does take work and figuring out.

00:35:10.597 --> 00:35:15.485
You can have the other side of that Right and it does take work and figuring out sitting with things.

00:35:15.985 --> 00:35:17.847
You know we're in a society now of so much numbing.

00:35:17.847 --> 00:35:23.751
We have all of these things that we can numb with and not be present with our feelings and our emotions, Right when it just turns us kind of into zombies a little bit, where it's.

00:35:23.751 --> 00:35:33.693
You know, you're in this rinse lather repeat cycle of just not being good to yourself, mentally, not taking care of yourself, but just kind of gritting through everything.

00:35:33.693 --> 00:35:36.675
And I'm here to tell everyone it doesn't have to be like that.

00:35:36.735 --> 00:35:37.974
Right, it doesn't.

00:35:37.974 --> 00:35:40.836
And I think the biggest thing now is social media.

00:35:40.836 --> 00:35:48.280
Right, it's just like it's so easy to distract and just like scroll for hours and I used to meditate a ton.

00:35:48.280 --> 00:35:51.621
I don't, I say I don't have time for it, but I have to make time.

00:35:51.641 --> 00:35:53.603
Yes, yes, I understand, it's a struggle.

00:35:54.063 --> 00:35:57.465
Yeah, but I follow this guy and I bought his book.

00:35:57.465 --> 00:36:03.547
I can't remember the title, but he was like so you scroll and he's like, hey, why don't you just take a moment?

00:36:03.547 --> 00:36:09.500
And he literally forces you to meditate for three minutes or however long the clip is and just sit with it.

00:36:09.521 --> 00:36:11.228
Yeah, meditate for three minutes or however long the clip is and just sit with it.

00:36:11.228 --> 00:36:11.730
Yeah, yeah, it's powerful.

00:36:11.730 --> 00:36:16.637
What other tools do you feel like you've used or that have been impactful for you?

00:36:16.637 --> 00:36:23.440
Kind of, as you've started doing this, you know you get to the point of is that person good enough for me and that feels good?

00:36:23.440 --> 00:36:24.856
You throw up a data point for that.

00:36:24.856 --> 00:36:30.820
What are some of the other things that you were able to kind of say oh, that doesn't make sense for me, I'm throwing that out yeah.

00:36:31.179 --> 00:36:45.876
So basically having the hard discussions, um like having the difficult conversation with my dad, like I remember I like one day I was just like sitting there and I was just like so mad and I was like why does he ever talk about it?

00:36:45.876 --> 00:36:50.514
Like this was like his wife and you know these were his daughters, and like I'm upset about it.

00:36:50.514 --> 00:36:51.277
Why isn't he?

00:36:51.277 --> 00:37:01.925
So I literally just called him and it was almost like a confrontation of like you know, do you really like do you realize what impact this has had on our lives?

00:37:01.925 --> 00:37:09.364
And I remember it like it was yesterday and he just like broke down in tears and he's like you know, that was the love of my life.

00:37:09.364 --> 00:37:14.518
I'll never, he's like, remarried, but he's like I'll never love anyone as much as I loved your mother.

00:37:14.619 --> 00:37:15.661
She was my soulmate.

00:37:15.661 --> 00:37:17.233
She was always there for me.

00:37:17.233 --> 00:37:25.938
Like you remind me so much of her and she was just like very patient and loving and like and your sister's like you can't.

00:37:25.938 --> 00:37:29.965
You know heal from losing your children.

00:37:29.965 --> 00:37:34.273
You know heal from losing your children.

00:37:34.273 --> 00:37:34.574
You just can't.

00:37:34.574 --> 00:37:36.822
And I'm like I understand that and he's like I just I have to be the mother and the father.

00:37:36.822 --> 00:37:37.605
I have to provide.

00:37:37.605 --> 00:37:38.789
I have to be the strong person.

00:37:38.789 --> 00:37:49.557
That's why I never talked about it and that just opened up like this gate of communication between him and I and I was always waiting for him to have that conversation.

00:37:49.557 --> 00:37:50.780
My therapist is like you know.

00:37:50.780 --> 00:37:57.936
You might have to be the one to have that, but I was upset because I was like I'm the child, like why should I have that conversation?

00:37:57.998 --> 00:37:58.157
Right.

00:37:58.157 --> 00:37:59.474
Why should I have to initiate?

00:37:59.574 --> 00:38:00.739
Right, exactly.

00:38:01.130 --> 00:38:03.059
But looking back, you're so happy that you did.

00:38:03.139 --> 00:38:04.304
Oh, absolutely yeah.

00:38:04.931 --> 00:38:26.728
I think that's a really huge lesson is being willing to have the hard conversations, because if you have expectations that someone else is going to do that, you're just wasting your life away, just waiting for something to happen that he's probably would have gone his whole entire life without doing that, because he thought he was doing the right thing by not talking about it by not bringing it up right and him.

00:38:26.728 --> 00:38:34.860
Having that extra layer of that's really hard for him because you remind him of your mom yeah, that's a huge yeah, that's a huge thing.

00:38:34.880 --> 00:38:41.451
But also when you can understand that, that gives you a whole different perspective where you can say, like I hadn't thought about that before.

00:38:41.472 --> 00:39:07.478
Yeah, it really like allowed me to reflect, like I remember one time I was just like playing around with a wig, I found and I put it on and I was like daddy look, and he just, you know, sobbed and I don't know why and he was like that day you put that on, you literally looked exactly like her and it was difficult and um, yeah, but I think there's power in like how can someone know you feel that way if you don't let them know that you feel that way?

00:39:07.478 --> 00:39:10.311
So all this time he thought I was fine, you know he's like you.

00:39:10.311 --> 00:39:19.617
Always you did well in school, you're a good child, like you always seemed fine to me and I just never knew that you felt this way isn't that crazy.

00:39:20.038 --> 00:39:45.637
We're all going through this life and everyone's just like trying to hold it together and be fine and not be a burden on anyone else and so we don't connect right right and you being vulnerable enough to say, hey, really sparked and opened something, because I I'm assuming you would tell me, if I asked you, that you wouldn't have the relationship with your dad, that you do today a hundred percent been strong enough to have that conversation because it does really open the doors.

00:39:46.840 --> 00:39:57.630
I've recently, in the last year, started asking my parents some questions about kind of how they were raised and listening to their answers for things it was really powerful.

00:40:01.809 --> 00:40:16.259
You know, my mom had written me a letter that I found within the last couple of weeks because I moved and at my first marriage she had purchased the wedding dress that I used.

00:40:16.259 --> 00:40:27.427
So my first marriage I was like who knows, I married some guy, that's not the important part.

00:40:27.427 --> 00:40:47.936
There's some dude, there's two of them I mean it's not a big long list, but, um, there was the first one and then there's the one, but, uh, but she had the wedding dress and she sold it and she didn't ask me about it and she didn't tell me about it and I remember having so much anger in my heart for her about doing that and I look back now and it seems like such a silly thing.

00:40:47.936 --> 00:40:57.007
But I read this letter that I had even forgotten that she had sent me, however, many years ago, and it talked about how she was so sorry for doing that but she needed the money.

00:40:57.088 --> 00:41:08.550
So bad like they were just in such a bad way and it made me feel like an asshole for ever being mad at her but if we had been vulnerable enough to have those conversations, obviously we didn't have that relationship back then.

00:41:08.570 --> 00:41:15.853
Yeah, but, I, just thought wow like if we can connect in vulnerability, of saying this is where I'm at.

00:41:15.853 --> 00:41:17.476
I'm really struggling like I need.

00:41:17.476 --> 00:41:23.175
I need to do this because if I didn't have the money to give her, I would have been able to say, like I totally understand, sell it.

00:41:23.175 --> 00:41:24.657
I'm sorry that you're in that position, or?

00:41:24.657 --> 00:41:27.373
Or whatever, but you would have been able to show some grace.

00:41:27.413 --> 00:41:49.373
So it's interesting to me that we're all just trying to be strong hold it together, but really where the, the awesome sauce, lives is in the connections right in the vulnerability in the saying the hard things and saying like this is how I feel, crying with each other, or really showing each other the underside, or so that you could see the other perspective.

00:41:49.594 --> 00:41:51.592
Right, I just think that's so powerful.

00:41:51.592 --> 00:41:53.811
A hundred percent like letting people in.

00:41:53.811 --> 00:42:02.574
Yeah, and that's like a conversation I had with my boyfriend after our probably like second date, it's like listen.

00:42:03.014 --> 00:42:03.777
I love that.

00:42:03.777 --> 00:42:07.996
I love that Now Hanifa has found her voice and she is not messing around.

00:42:07.996 --> 00:42:09.771
Here's how it's going to go down like that.

00:42:10.786 --> 00:42:19.855
Yeah, I was like this is what I'm expecting, like and I'm not trying to be harsh, I just like, if you're not what I'm looking for, like I'd rather know now.

00:42:19.855 --> 00:42:23.429
I love that yeah, just like, if you're not what I'm looking for, like I'd rather know.

00:42:23.429 --> 00:42:23.750
Now I love that.

00:42:23.750 --> 00:42:30.952
Yeah, and he was just like he appreciated it and I was like, okay, it really I had to sit there and say, you know, if he doesn't, then he's not the one, absolutely he's not the one for me.

00:42:31.112 --> 00:42:40.632
Speak your truth right because then at least you know, and it doesn't matter if you're single or with somebody or whatever, but your truth is spoken and you're able to say like are, are you good enough for me?

00:42:41.072 --> 00:42:43.237
Right, exactly that's powerful.

00:42:43.726 --> 00:42:53.911
I had that same conversation with my husband a lot of years ago, decades ago because my first marriage was such a complete shit show that I went into that with.

00:42:53.911 --> 00:42:55.175
I'm not messing around.

00:42:55.175 --> 00:42:56.905
Here are the things that I will not accept.

00:42:56.905 --> 00:43:23.869
Here are the things that I will accept, and it's like that's important stuff, to be able to speak our truths in that right, yeah, but like you said, it involves, you know, being open and letting that person in, yeah, so yeah, what is something that like an unexpected maybe, if you can think of an unexpected result of you being vulnerable, because I will say that for me, I used to think vulnerability was weakness.

00:43:24.532 --> 00:43:36.576
As I've gotten further in my journey and in more recent years, really understanding how important emotions are and that they're supposed to be used like a compass, you know, and you're supposed to be listening to them.

00:43:36.576 --> 00:43:40.690
I've never been disappointed when I lead with vulnerability, which is lovely.

00:43:40.690 --> 00:43:46.980
Have you ever had kind of an unexpected result of you leading with vulnerability, or have you?

00:43:46.980 --> 00:43:50.052
What is your experience kind of with vulnerability in general?

00:43:50.291 --> 00:44:06.096
Yeah, I've always thought that, you know, if I tell someone how I feel or if I say, hey, I'm like a little sad, today they're they're it's going to push them away and they're not going to want to be around me or like see me as being weak.

00:44:06.096 --> 00:44:08.172
But it's been quite the opposite.

00:44:08.172 --> 00:44:23.733
You know, like it's made me kind of like weed out people that shouldn't be in my life, because it's made me realize, okay, I care more about this person than they care about me and it's made my connections with the people who are in my life even stronger.

00:44:23.733 --> 00:44:25.217
Yes, yeah.

00:44:25.344 --> 00:44:29.134
So it's done quite the opposite of what I initially thought it would do, right.

00:44:29.454 --> 00:44:39.306
Which is crazy, right, and I think that that's part of what holds a lot of people back is they think that they're going to put themselves out there and they're either going to be rejected or not received well or whatever.

00:44:39.306 --> 00:44:42.851
And again, I will say, 100% of the times that I have led with vulnerability.

00:44:43.271 --> 00:45:06.797
I've been pleasantly surprised by what I get back, because when you do that, you give other people permission to do the same, and then they're able to feel better and process things and things that they felt that they had to keep everything held together with they realize I don't have to do that I also can feel my emotions and share this vulnerability and the connections that you have with people that you're able to share with.

00:45:06.797 --> 00:45:08.387
Yeah, To me that's huge.

00:45:08.387 --> 00:45:09.309
Yeah, that's.

00:45:09.309 --> 00:45:11.556
That's way better than just the surface level.

00:45:11.596 --> 00:45:17.547
Like I'm going to keep it together and not tell someone that I'm sad because I don't want them to think I'm a burden or you know that I'm not good enough for them.

00:45:17.547 --> 00:45:21.313
Like step into your authentic power right, yeah, yeah.

00:45:21.333 --> 00:45:32.360
So that's been the strong like the biggest thing for me, um is it's helped my relationships with people in my life and even strangers like it's true yeah, yeah.

00:45:32.360 --> 00:45:35.251
Like when I tell you I was terrified to like come on here.

00:45:35.251 --> 00:45:47.706
Initially I was like, oh my god, like I'm telling, like everyone like my business, but you know my boyfriend like yeah, but you know my boyfriend was like well, you know you might help someone else who had gone through the same exact thing.

00:45:47.766 --> 00:46:01.885
Yeah, and you know I'm like okay, like that, that makes sense yeah, it's interesting to me because, as I've started doing this podcast, which again very interesting how the universe works and the big guy works and getting you queued up to do whatever.

00:46:01.925 --> 00:46:12.188
But as I've started doing this and episodes are going out, people reach out to me every day and tell me what a big impact something had that they heard from a guest or that something that I said that was able to.

00:46:12.188 --> 00:46:33.809
They were able to get curious about their own issues, and so I look at that and I think, if this affects one person, if, if somebody is able to say like wow, maybe I should get you know, go all in on figuring out what that looks like or hearing us talk about how amazing it is when you wake up and you say you switch that perspective of is somebody good enough for me, rather than the opposite.

00:46:34.710 --> 00:46:43.492
Just listening to us talk about this stuff is like okay get curious about those things for yourself, because you can be on the other side of that and, yes, it's always work.

00:46:43.492 --> 00:46:53.347
But I think we get to this place where we kind of are able to get through the biggest pile of stuff, and then it's, you know, kind of residual or whatever is coming up.

00:46:53.467 --> 00:47:05.708
Life is always going to be hard, there's always going to be things that come up, but just being able to not have a wrecking ball that kind of follows around behind you, leaving havoc in your wake right which is what it does.

00:47:05.708 --> 00:47:23.869
I think, or what I've found in my life, that it did because I wasn't willing to be vulnerable, I wasn't willing to share emotions, and now I just share them, and I do share them with strangers or whoever it comes up with and I always thought, God, that's so messy and it's like maybe, but it's where I feel my most authentic.

00:47:23.929 --> 00:47:37.298
It's where I feel my authentic power is being able to really be the person that says this is what I'm feeling, this is what I'm going through and the connections that come from that is that's powerful yeah as humans.

00:47:37.298 --> 00:47:38.181
We just want that.

00:47:38.221 --> 00:47:50.396
We want that connection exactly, and I will say, like one of the main drivers was, I did listen to an episode where you talked about losing your sister, so that helped me feel closer to you.

00:47:50.396 --> 00:47:57.070
I'm like, okay, she has also lost a close one, so yeah, you never know what someone's dealing with.

00:47:57.070 --> 00:47:57.552
You don't.

00:47:57.552 --> 00:47:58.318
You never know.

00:47:58.864 --> 00:48:07.769
It's like someone would look at you and you're like this beautiful, amazing woman they don't know that you're suffering on the inside right and knowing that we're meant to help each other and that.

00:48:07.769 --> 00:48:09.914
So I think it's interesting.

00:48:09.914 --> 00:48:19.331
I have younger daughters and they talk about or even a niece that I had and she's talking about people on social media and how everyone looks put together and it makes her feel less than.

00:48:19.331 --> 00:48:24.704
And I told her, I said honey, everyone is struggling with their own things.

00:48:24.784 --> 00:48:28.233
Right you can't look from the outside and say like, yes, of course she looks beautiful.

00:48:28.233 --> 00:49:06.099
How lovely is that you look at somebody and you realize some of the pieces of their story if they're willing to share those and all of the suffering that goes into that makes you totally see that person with a different lens, instead of saying like, oh, look at her amazing life because she's beautiful, as she's posting things like yeah, no, we're all in the trenches dealing with yeah, garbage right and no one's going to post about like a bad day or things that they've gone like there's a trend out there where people are like crying in front of a camera, but it's all like it's exactly Like no real person is going to sit there and tell you everything that's going wrong with their lives.

00:49:06.304 --> 00:49:08.530
Sure, also, I, you know, I don't know that that's the right.

00:49:08.530 --> 00:49:20.391
I don't want to judge anybody, but connecting in person and being able to have that conversation of things, or being able to listen to other people being vulnerable, I think is super important.

00:49:20.391 --> 00:49:29.422
Right, I have a niece who cries in front of the mirror, and when you said that, that's what it made me think about because, I also cried in front of the mirror when I was younger, probably just because I wanted to see myself cry in front of the mirror.

00:49:29.442 --> 00:49:30.402
I feel like we all have.

00:49:30.402 --> 00:49:31.523
Honestly, I've done that.

00:49:34.829 --> 00:49:36.952
I know, and then I realized you're a horrible crier.

00:49:36.952 --> 00:49:38.215
Stop doing awesome.

00:49:38.215 --> 00:49:40.137
Tell me more about Hanifa.

00:49:40.137 --> 00:49:41.865
Tell me about what you do in life.

00:49:41.865 --> 00:49:45.856
I know that you can tell our listeners, but I know that you're in the finance space.

00:49:45.856 --> 00:49:50.173
Yeah, tell me about, kind of what drives you to do that and what you do in that space.

00:49:51.945 --> 00:50:03.257
Yeah, so I'm a financial planner and one of the things that drove me to do that was really my relationship with my father, like when we first moved here.

00:50:03.257 --> 00:50:14.971
He he owned like a few businesses in Uganda, but he didn't really know a lot about American businesses, um, so I remember in again college.

00:50:15.050 --> 00:50:17.893
College was a lot threw a lot at you.

00:50:18.034 --> 00:50:27.652
It was a lot, yeah, but I had a 1999 Corolla that just like shit the bed Like it just wasn't working anymore.

00:50:28.286 --> 00:50:29.592
We had replaced everything.

00:50:29.592 --> 00:50:35.657
And one day, like I was in class and he calls me, and he was like oh, like, come outside.

00:50:35.657 --> 00:50:37.728
I'm like I'm in class, like what do you mean?

00:50:37.728 --> 00:50:38.251
Come outside.

00:50:38.251 --> 00:50:40.824
And he's like I have a surprise for you, class.

00:50:40.824 --> 00:50:41.507
Like what do you mean?

00:50:41.507 --> 00:50:42.929
Come outside.

00:50:42.929 --> 00:50:45.132
And he's like I have a surprise for you.

00:50:45.132 --> 00:50:51.164
And he had gotten me a car, but it was a loan for a car in my name that I did not ask for um with a 15 interest rate.

00:50:53.849 --> 00:51:08.119
Um, yeah, yeah, thanks dad yeah, and I believe that know he was doing his best, like he didn't know any better and he really thought he was helping by getting me this.

00:51:08.119 --> 00:51:13.697
But then, you know, as I got older, I was like, okay, this car is underwater.

00:51:13.697 --> 00:51:17.896
I was like on Google, like trying to figure out, like what does underwater mean?

00:51:17.896 --> 00:51:21.293
Because I tried to trade it in and in and like that's what I was told.

00:51:21.293 --> 00:51:38.469
So I really had to like figure everything out on my own and figure out how to turn this car like from being underwater and how to reduce this 15 interest rate, um, and just learn about finance on my own and like student loans.

00:51:39.072 --> 00:51:42.137
So, um, I believe these things should be taught in school.

00:51:42.137 --> 00:51:53.661
They're not agreed, but like having gone through that, I was like there must be people out there who feel similarly to me and you know, as women you're not taught to learn about finance.

00:51:53.661 --> 00:51:59.869
So that was really my biggest influence into the financial planning world.

00:51:59.869 --> 00:52:11.539
Yeah, like I used to think I wanted to work for the big corporations and I did for a while worked for like Putnam, but then I was like, no, I want to help like your everyday person.

00:52:11.539 --> 00:52:13.380
Yeah, you want to have an impact.

00:52:13.460 --> 00:52:16.525
Yeah, exactly, I think that's huge.

00:52:16.525 --> 00:52:29.490
I think there are so many women, my daughters, and then also kind of I see all of their friends and it's the same thing where I feel like we're ill-equipped to be able to kind of navigate life in a meaningful way, because they don't really understand that.

00:52:29.490 --> 00:52:32.076
Um, what do you know of?

00:52:32.076 --> 00:52:42.719
Maybe and we can put it up on the show notes after but, um, maybe resources for young women, like, yes, financial planning, but then like, what you were talking about with education you don't have that in schools.

00:52:42.778 --> 00:52:43.121
That should.

00:52:43.121 --> 00:52:45.550
Personal finance should be something we learned in high school.

00:52:45.550 --> 00:52:54.447
Yeah we still teach calculus and history, but we don't teach anything about emotional intelligence or personal finances like right, come on people, let's do better right yeah.

00:52:54.467 --> 00:52:56.672
So there's like vivian, you're rich bff.

00:52:56.672 --> 00:53:01.452
Like she's on instagram, um, she teaches a lot about like just your day-to-day things.

00:53:01.452 --> 00:53:03.951
Um, and Google's your best friend.

00:53:03.951 --> 00:53:06.617
Like if you don't know something, always Google it and ask.

00:53:06.617 --> 00:53:14.251
Like I was so embarrassed to always ask about things and I would like call my bank and you know what does this interest rate mean?

00:53:14.251 --> 00:53:15.655
Like, when will I pay it off?

00:53:15.655 --> 00:53:21.534
And um, it goes back to like being vulnerable and like being like okay, I'm gonna ask this question.

00:53:21.534 --> 00:53:22.668
I don't, you know.

00:53:22.668 --> 00:53:29.893
I care if I sound dumb, but I'm gonna try not to care sure, sure, exactly yeah yeah, um, and just like, um.

00:53:29.952 --> 00:53:43.019
A lot of books like poor dad, rich dad, um, just like your everyday finance books are what helped me yeah um, yeah, and like a lot of the information that I have like from my professional life is available.

00:53:43.019 --> 00:53:44.730
You just have to like look for it.

00:53:44.730 --> 00:53:45.632
Yeah, yeah.

00:53:46.672 --> 00:53:57.880
No, that's powerful and, I think, for our young people really understanding that your relationship with money is going to dictate how you do life.

00:53:58.179 --> 00:53:58.621
Right, right.

00:54:02.684 --> 00:54:04.333
So, if you are in debt, get in debt, stay in debt your whole life, your whole life.

00:54:04.333 --> 00:54:04.876
Know that you're, you know.

00:54:04.876 --> 00:54:06.161
It's like the game life that we played when we were kids.

00:54:06.161 --> 00:54:08.534
It's like are you going to go to college and set yourself up for success?

00:54:08.594 --> 00:54:38.967
not necessarily that college has to be that path, but right definitely a healthy relationship with money, I think is really important, because I see people that are in much later in life and they've lived the entire thing in debt and it just feels like a noose around your neck you know, and so to be able to really have the knowledge and be knowledgeable, be willing to ask the questions that maybe you know, take some vulnerability to ask a dumb question so that you can come from this place of of knowledge and, and you know, making good choices instead of just well, whatever anybody will give me.

00:54:39.007 --> 00:54:45.960
I think it kind of goes back to that same perspective of is something good enough for you or are you good enough for somebody else, and being able to switch that.

00:54:46.184 --> 00:54:48.594
Yeah, and also being open with yourself.

00:54:48.594 --> 00:54:55.105
Like finance is very, very personal, like our spending habits are personal.

00:54:55.105 --> 00:55:01.117
So, just like being open with like okay, like I am not where I need to be right now.

00:55:01.117 --> 00:55:11.677
Being open with like okay, like I am not where I need to be right now, like I had to do that just because, um, I noticed that I was bearing a lot of my emotions with, just like shopping, yes we're really good at numbing with shop yeah exactly.

00:55:11.757 --> 00:55:18.326
I would have a bad day and I would just like go to Sephora and pick up a new mascara, and it'd be fine sure everything's fine, push it down yeah.

00:55:18.326 --> 00:55:26.193
So there was a lot of um, like internal, like therapy, for that too, which like I didn't think there would be.

00:55:26.193 --> 00:55:32.472
But I was just like oh, it's just numbers, but it's like no, like every time I'm sad, I like buy something and I feel happy again.

00:55:32.472 --> 00:55:35.253
So just like being open with yourself.

00:55:35.634 --> 00:55:44.588
Right the self-awareness component of that and really being able to look at that with a open eye of okay, why am I doing this?

00:55:44.588 --> 00:55:45.590
What does this feel like?

00:55:45.590 --> 00:55:49.528
You know, I hammer on this podcast about just getting curious about things.

00:55:49.528 --> 00:55:59.543
So, when people are doing things where, if you feel like it's making you numb, if you feel like it's helping you not feel something, open your eyes to that.

00:55:59.543 --> 00:56:01.559
Get curious about why we're doing that.00:56:01.559 --> 00:56:04.472


Shopping is one of the big ones as far as numbing is concerned.00:56:04.972 --> 00:56:19.771


And I know lots of people that did it and I went through a whole phase of that also, and I can feel myself like sliding back into numbing all the time, right, like obviously my biggest problem was with alcohol, but I can feel myself doing it with all sorts of other things I can feel myself when I'm numbing with TV.00:56:19.771 --> 00:56:21.896


I can feel myself when I'm numbing with scrolling.00:56:22.195 --> 00:56:22.797


And sometimes.00:56:22.856 --> 00:56:23.978


I say I'm going to numb.00:56:24.159 --> 00:56:25.047


This is what I want to do.00:56:25.108 --> 00:56:27.619


Right, but being aware of it and being intentional with it.00:56:28.001 --> 00:56:29.106


I think, is super important.00:56:29.106 --> 00:56:41.817


I think we don't want to be these zombies that are just going through making horrible life choices, one after another after another, and then wondering why we feel like shit and we have these terrible pits in the gut, you know, on our stomach and all this anxiety.00:56:41.817 --> 00:56:45.927


I mean, you look around, everybody is anxious, everyone is depressed, everyone is whatever.00:56:45.927 --> 00:56:48.635


Is anyone wondering, like, what the fix is?00:56:48.635 --> 00:57:02.007


Because it is literally just sitting with yourself and getting curious and figuring out and being, you know, willing enough to be vulnerable with yourself and with other people to ask those questions and say is this the best thing for me?00:57:02.047 --> 00:57:06.076


Right and hard, you know making hard choices and knowing that you're worth doing that right, exactly.00:57:06.257 --> 00:57:07.318


Yeah, like I.00:57:07.318 --> 00:57:20.733


It took a friend asking me like I came home with like a few bags and he was like is everything okay and like I laugh about it now but like looking back, I I was like, wow, like that.00:57:20.733 --> 00:57:25.380


That is the first time I realized like I'm connecting my emotions to this thing.00:57:25.420 --> 00:57:36.217


Yes, yeah, as you've gone in on, you know, figuring out your fixing your shit is what I call it right, but as you've fixed your shit, isn't it fun to look back at the different things that we did?00:57:36.217 --> 00:57:49.096


For me, that's fascinating, I look back and I'm just like you know, when I change perspectives, when I open my mind to something, everything almost kind of shifts a little bit where it's like well, that's interesting that I thought that that would fix it.00:57:50.456 --> 00:57:53.440


I put my head in the sand for a long time.00:57:53.440 --> 00:58:01.947


You know, I just thought life was about this rinse, lather, repeat.00:58:01.947 --> 00:58:05.380


Just get up and have this mediocre day over and over again, and some days I was sad and some days I was happy and whatever that looked like.00:58:05.380 --> 00:58:08.289


And when you realize, god, there's a whole nother way to do it there's a whole.00:58:08.289 --> 00:58:18.365


Nother way to do it right and and it can be with so much joy and peace and right, just not feeling like you're fighting and swimming upstream all the time.00:58:18.425 --> 00:58:18.806


I feel, like.00:58:18.847 --> 00:58:19.849


That's what it feels like.00:58:19.849 --> 00:58:30.577


Yeah, but you have to be willing to yeah, right, swimming upstream, yeah, instead of just really being able to be willing to do the hard things have those hard conversations so that it's easier later.00:58:31.405 --> 00:58:55.552


Right, right, yeah, and I think the biggest thing for me is like I'm very, like, efficient, and I thought I could apply that efficiency to my personal life of like, oh, I'll go to therapy and I'll be fine, but I didn't realize that it would take years and years and years of looking into myself and sitting with myself, and so I think being patient with yourself is really important too.00:58:55.552 --> 00:59:06.351


There's stuff that I'm still working on, but it took a really really long time to get to where I am now, like, and, yeah, like I'm really proud of the progress I've made.00:59:06.351 --> 00:59:09.445


For sure, but it definitely took doing the work for years.00:59:09.867 --> 00:59:13.096


Do you feel like, as you've gone, that it's picked up steam, like for me?00:59:13.155 --> 00:59:25.318


I feel, like, as I'm learning these tools, yeah, I'm, I'm better at processing things as they come up maybe something that at the beginning, when I started doing the work, took a couple of weeks to sit with and chew on and whatever.00:59:25.318 --> 00:59:32.159


Now I have it down to sometimes a matter of minutes where I'm like, okay, okay, I can see this pattern happening.00:59:32.159 --> 00:59:37.672


Let's stop this or let's put an end to this or whatever it is, and to me, I think that feels really powerful.00:59:38.032 --> 00:59:38.454


It does.00:59:38.494 --> 00:59:40.811


yeah, these are muscles that you use them, know you.00:59:40.811 --> 00:59:44.914


You use them, and the more that you use them, the better that you are with them, right?00:59:44.914 --> 00:59:51.188


So there's hope out there to our listeners who are interested in starting to you know do the work and dive into all of that stuff.00:59:51.527 --> 01:00:15.509


Yes, a hundred percent, like now, like if, for example, my father brings up something um or, you know, brushes something off, like I kind of respond like that because I know the impact of waiting years to say what's on my mind, and it might cause a little bit of friction in the moment, but it's, you know, it's better and I'm able to have those conversations a lot quicker with him too.01:00:15.710 --> 01:00:17.155


Yeah, I love that.01:00:17.155 --> 01:00:17.958


I love that.01:00:17.958 --> 01:00:19.945


Well, thank you so much for coming on today.01:00:19.945 --> 01:00:27.492


We're coming to the end of our time, but thank you for coming on and being willing to get vulnerable and naked with me and talk about some tough stuff.01:00:27.492 --> 01:00:39.909


I know that I actually got a lot out of it from my own journey with my mom's stuff and I will be unpacking that in the next couple of weeks as well, just processing that some more and what all of that looks like.01:00:39.909 --> 01:00:40.891


But I appreciate you.01:00:41.152 --> 01:00:42.976


Yeah, thank you for having me, absolutely.01:00:43.505 --> 01:00:48.210


So for our listeners at home, please make sure to do all the things rate, review, share.01:00:48.210 --> 01:00:51.228


If you have questions, comments.01:00:51.228 --> 01:00:55.117


Our email address is ladiesatletsgetnakedpodcastcom.01:00:55.117 --> 01:00:56.951


And that's our time for today.01:00:56.951 --> 01:00:57.813


That's a wrap.01:00:57.813 --> 01:01:08.887


Time for today.01:01:08.887 --> 01:01:09.730


That's a wrap.01:01:09.730 --> 01:01:10.452


I'd love to help you get vulnerable.01:01:10.452 --> 01:01:10.773


Let's get naked.